Posted by Tamar on July 14, 2005, at 16:49:51
In reply to Re: I'm sick » Tamar, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2005, at 11:38:16
> Believe it or not, it's been eighteen years later this month since she died. She's been dead three times longer than she was alive. It seems so hard to believe.
>
> I do blame myself. Since she died, I've been sooo careful, and my dogs almost never fall off my bed. Before she died, it wasn't all that uncommon. In fact, one of my large dogs used to be very jealous of her and "accidentally" flick her off the bed with her paw. My bed wasn't particularly high, and I never worried about it.Eighteen years is a very long time to carry the guilt and self blame for the death of a loved one. Maybe this is a silly question, but have you talked much to your therapist about blaming yourself for Bunty’s death? The extent of your fear of abandonment makes so much sense knowing how you feel about Bunty’s death. It dovetails with never knowing when your mother was going to pick you up from kindergarten and with what you were saying about the fates recently.
> I am so grateful in the end that it wasn't that dog or another person who caused her death. I would never ever have forgiven them, no matter how accidental it was. I guess that means I have never forgiven myself either. But that's better somehow.
Yes, that makes sense. I can imagine it would be impossible to forgive someone else. And yet it seems almost impossible to forgive yourself too.
> I tend to blame myself when all my dogs die. I'm staying up nights with the dog who is dying right now, and I've spent well over a thousand dollars that I don't have at the vets just on her in the last month. But I know that if I had been better about giving her her medication before she got to this stage, she might well have lived longer. I've got a lousy memory, and don't even remember my own meds. :( NOW, it's easy to remember because as it gets close to medication time she gets worse, and I wait with bated breath till it's time to give her her medication again. They are going to check the blood level of it to make sure it's in the therapeutic range, but there's not a whole lot more we can do for her other than make her comfortable.
Poor doggy. And I know how hard it is to remember other people’s medication. I often forget my kids’ medication when they’re ill.
> Maybe that's another reason I'm dwelling on Bunty right now. The anniversary, the poem, Harry's daughter dying. Her breathing reminds me so much of my daddy's in the last few days. Usually a whole day or two at a time can go by without my thinking of Bunty. Well, maybe not a whole day. But hours.
Yes, I can see why Bunty would be so much in your mind at the moment.
> Ick, I'm a mess. Between the poor sleep as I wake up so often to make sure she's still breathing, and PMS (which doesn't ordinarily bother me) I've been having horrible migraines that are actually making me feel sick (which they normally don't). It's no wonder I'm feeling maudlin.
(((((Dinah)))))
> I'll be better in a bit, I'm sure.
I hope so. I’ll be thinking of you.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:526600
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/527615.html