Posted by littleone on November 20, 2005, at 21:01:19
In reply to Details (very long), posted by 10derHeart on November 19, 2005, at 19:10:24
Hi 10der,
Thanks for sharing the details. And don't worry about it being too long - I read every word. And was quite happy to do so.
I'm finding it hard to reply to you because I felt such conflicting things from your post. So I'll apologise in advance in case I don't make sense. A young part keeps coming up today.
> especially like this where I’ve been hurt and upset *by* him.
It does hurt a lot when it's your T who causes the hurt. Understatement of the year. I don't know about you, but I find it really difficult to know what hurt my T has actually caused and what hurt is caused by my own twisted thinking/perceptions/etc. And when the two are knotted up together, I really have a lot of trouble pulling things apart. And I find it hard because when my T hurts me, the only person I can go running back to cry to is him. But my instinct is to withdraw when someone hurts me. I find it all very difficult. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it hurts so much more when it's your trusted special person who hurts you.
> He feels we’ve – or he’s – created two relationships – the email therapy and the session therapy.Wow, he is smart. I can see how that would be, but I also know that it would be hard to see that while you're in the middle of it. And it sounds like you recognise the truth in it too. You mentioned how you can keep things out of your sessions by dealing with them by email instead. And as hard as it is, I do think you need to do what has to be done to stop that from happening. I'm not saying that cutting off all emails was the best answer - I'm just not sure. But I am sure that it's important that you don't use the emails as an avoidance mechanism. And I guess too, by only "talking" about them in emails, your not taking the risks involved in trusting someone else and talking about them face to face out loud. But that's probably just my stuff coming through because I know you do talk a lot more than I do.
> He described it as seeing himself getting all excited (professionally speaking ;-)) when I send a really intense email, looking forward to doing great therapy by email, and helping me by not making me wait (thus, suffer) for input on whatever is troubling me until our next session. And that he realizes now that aspect has become all about him, and not me. And that, of course, is not okay.
You do know, don't you, that what *is* very okay is that he has been able to admit to this and to stop making it about him and to make it about you again. On one hand, it is a very good trust building thing that he has put you first. This *proves* that he has your best interests at heart. Of course, on the other hand, it's a trust destroying thing the way he's suddenly cut you off like he has.
I remember how in "In Session" it talked about how if something the T does feels kind of either specially rewarding or punishing, then it's not right. And the way he's suddenly cut you off has a feel of that punishing aspect. Could he be wanting to punish himself and instead be pushing that punishment on to you? Might be worthwhile asking him.
I think you could both probably come to at least a temporary (or even permanent) sort of compromise. Like maybe cut off all emails, but agree to one or two or whatever phone calls between sessions. With an agreement that anything raised in the calls must also be discussed in your session. That enables you to keep a bit connected and to feel like you have support or back up. It doesn't have that sudden abandonment feel to it.
I'm sorry, but I'm finding it really hard to keep going.
I know I wanted to say that you can also post all you like. It could even be a sort of compromise with jounalling. You could give him print outs of your posts (if he knows about babble that is).
> That he finds himself looking forward to my emails. Expecting them. Enjoying them. Enjoying writing back to me and anticipating I’ll write back, then he’ll write back, etc., etc. That he wonders why if I don’t send him one. That he’s never had email contact with a client like this before – ever
Oh oh oh. Every client's dream (and nightmare). To know you're special to him. I wish... no I don't. I don't know. This is so hard for me. He's put you in a terrible position. I'm glad you can come here for some soothing. Although I'm not much of a soother. But others are.
> “stop emailing me," I said those words felt like he was stabbing me with a knife and scolding me all at once.
See - the scolding does feel like punishment. Maybe you should read that "In Session" part again. I'd go in with copied pages from the book and stuff I'd found off the internet and everything I could to prove that the punishment is wrong. All done in an attempt to get something back (like the phone call compromise or whatever). But then, that's my control issues coming through.
> I wondered if we could continue, if I could get over this.
You can continue. It is hard. But it should help you learn something about yourself if he handles it well going forward. Your trust is rather bruised at the moment, but it's not destroyed. You have a good foundation together.
This must be so hard for you. Why don't we take a little while to pick some flowers together. It's okay if you cry, it just waters the plants a little. There's some real pretty flowers here now. Pink ones and blue ones and white ones and some creamy ones and a couple of little patches of bright red ones. Can you see my kitty napping under that bush?
poster:littleone
thread:579218
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/580721.html