Posted by peddidle on July 11, 2009, at 20:56:21
Hi all. I know I haven't been around in a long time, but I really need help right now...
I had to leave my therapist of over 5 years in May, because I graduated from college. She talked about termination [*cringe* I HATE that word...] many times, about how the relationship we have is special, and it's mine, and I get to take it with me, etc. I always reiterated that I knew I was going to have a hard time with that, because I have a very difficult time feeling a connection to someone when they're not physically there, or when I haven't seen them in a while. That's about the extent that I would get into it, mostly because I was in complete denial, and I was still holding onto the hope that I could at least see her over the summer. She works at the college, but she also has a private practice, and since I was taking summer classes, I was able to see her at that office last summer. I am nearby again this summer, so I asked her if I could still see her, and she said no, because I needed to be finished with "this" [school], and that she's part of that. But, she also said no because she thinks I need more/different kind of therapy than she is able to provide (she thinks I need DBT), so it wouldn't be ethical for her to keep seeing me. I asked her if we could just try it, and then if she still feels that way, I'll have to accept it, but if I could just have through the summer to have more time to at least work on coming to terms with leaving, etc, etc. I told her that I wasn't going to see another therapist, so even if she thinks I need something more, or different, wouldn't seeing her still be better than nothing? She asked why it would be any easier given more time. I said I know it would still be extremely difficult, but maybe I would handle it better if we worked on it more, and I wasn't allowed to completely avoid it.
I saw her several times during the last week before graduation. She wanted to take me out to lunch on that Thursday, and then have another double session after, but I was so depressed that whole week over graduation, and leaving her, and everything else, that I had absolutely no appetite at all, so we ended up just having like a 4 hour session, and she suggested we do lunch before our session the following Monday (after graduation). As we were leaving, she said she would her email tomorrow (Friday). Well, I emailed her Thursday night, and I didn't hear from her, so I called her office and left a voicemail, but I still didn't hear anything. But, it was OK, because I knew I could at least process the weekend with her on Monday. Well, Monday came, and I got an email from her saying that she needed to reschedule for Tuesday because there was something wrong with her car, and her cell phone wouldn't hold a charge, so she was uncomfortable driving 2 hours (roundtrip to the college and back). I told her I understood, which was true, and asked her if we were still having lunch. So Tuesday came, and she said that we could only have like a 40min session, because she had to do all her end of the year paperwork, and she also had her son with her, because he was sick and she knew if she sent him to school they would just send him home. OK, I was a little upset, but it was still better than nothing. I said that was OK, and reminded her that my parents were coming to help me pack that day, and then we were moving out of my apartment tomorrow (Wednesday), but that I could probably cut out for a while if it would be better for her to see me then. She said that would actually be better, because then she wouldn't have to move her son, etc. I emailed her back and said "You'll definitely be here tomorrow, right?" She said, "I'll be here." OK, so I was going to see her Wednesday afternoon. The movers came early in the morning, and my parents drove home to meet them there while I hung around until my appointment. Well, as soon as they left (around 10AM), I checked my email, and saw an email from someone in Counseling Services saying my therapist wouldn't be in, and she would email me later in the day. I burst into tears, and I was just hysterical. Besides the obvious stuff, I had another gift for her, and I was waiting until our last session to give it to her (I ended up leaving it in the office for her before I left). I finally got an email from her saying that she had to take her son to the doctor and she was sorry she wasn't there, and she would email me the list of referrals when she got back to the office the next day or the day after. I asked her if we could at least talk on the phone tomorrow (Thursday). She said we could do that, so I asked her to wait to open the present until I was on the phone with her. So we talked that Thursday for about 40min, maybe a little less, because she had to go to a session at her other office (I hate when she says that, it makes me so sad and jealous). She reminded me that I could still email her, etc. And that was it. I emailed her a few times, and didn't hear anything, which isn't that unusual for her. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was having a really hard time, because I don't know anyone where I'm living right now, and I'm not enjoying my internship, etc, so I started emailing her, and my computer crashed. So I called her office and left a voicemail asking her to call me or email me, and I would try to email her from my office the next day. Just hearing her voice on the machine made me start crying. She emailed me the next morning saying that she had just gotten to her office and heard her voicemail, and that she was about to start a session, but to email her, and she would try to get back to me by the end of the day. Again, I was literally in the middle of writing her a very long email, so I just finished it quickly and sent it. She wrote back later saying that I should look in certain newspapers for things to do. I don't know if I was angry, or hurt, or sad, or what, but it was like that email was written in a different language or something. I mean, it was normal, there wasn't anything even remotely mean, or offensive, or upsetting, but it wasn't what I expected. Actually, I don't know what I expected, but she knows me, and I can't imagine how she could have thought I would be comforted or helped by that brief, one-line email. I wrote back, and I sent her something completely unrelated a few days later, just because I happened to come across it, but I haven't heard from her since. Also, I friended her on facebook, because I saw that a few of my friends who saw her and graduated before me were friends with her, and I thought now that I graduated, it would be OK to do that, but she rejected my request. I'm not sure what to make of that...
I am trying not to email or call her, because I know I need to keep that distance in order to get past this, but I feel like it's getting harder and harder to live with the fact that I can't see her or talk to her anymore. I'm trying not to pick up the phone and call her office just to listen to her voice on the machine, because I know it'll just make me more upset. I'm trying not to email her, because it hurts when she doesn't respond, and it hurts even more when she does respond, because it makes me miss her even more. I just don't know what to do. I mean, I could talk to my friends, but no one can really understand what this feels like unless they've been in therapy, and had a really strong bond with their therapist. I gave in few weeks ago and called one of the therapists on her list. I talked to her for about 20min, and I even made a tentative appointment, but I ended up cancelling it, because I started crying when I was telling her about my therapist, etc. and I was hysterical by the time I hung up, so I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it. Plus, as of now, I'm only going to be in the area for the summer, so it's too much to start and end that quickly. Just the idea of starting over with a new therapist brings me to tears.
One of the things that worries me the most is that this feels like a death. I have Complicated Bereavement issues-- My best friend died a little over 4 years ago, and for a year or two after, I had dreams about her nearly every night. Now, I've noticed that my therapist has often been appearing in my dreams. I don't know what to do. I don't want to cry anymore, but I miss her so much. I kind of want to email her and ask her to respond just so I can prove to my subconscious that she's still alive. That sounds silly. I don't want to put her in an awkward position of giving me the contact I want, but trying to make me keep the distance that I need, or putting her in some weird convoluted ethical dilemma where she knows she shouldn't respond because, technically she's not "my therapist" anymore. And, I also don't want to just hear her say that I need to see another therapist. I know I still need therapy, but just the thought of starting over with someone else is too overwhelming, and makes me miss her even more.
Sorry I wrote so much, but I would really appreciate any advice, or insight, or ANYTHING anyone could give me, because I am completely lost.
Thanks!
poster:peddidle
thread:906311
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090706/msgs/906311.html