Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 9, 2011, at 23:37:57
I am about to have what will be a really hard couple of days and weeks.
I graduate on Friday, and my parents are coming in town on Wednesday. After graduation, I will be home in my hometown for several weeks until June 1. There are so many changes ahead for me. I know that changes can be exciting times, but they can also be overwhelming. I am really worried about how it is going to be spending time at home.
I love my mom so much. This is why this is so hard. I simultaneously want to spend time with her and also want to get very far away and be totally independent. I often feel like I can't get away. That is probably one of the biggest reasons why I felt that I needed to go to Boston. That would really be getting away. Here, I feel like I am still too close to everything to be dangerous-- my parents, my hometown, everything about my past. To have gone to Boston would have fixed a lot of that-- but I wouldn't have my therapist, and there enters despair again.
I couldn't stay and I couldn't go.
With my mom, although I love her, it is so hard to talk to her on the phone. I worry that this may all be in my head and may be my projection. I feel like I am clung to. Maybe this is just "natural" motherly love; or maybe she is trying to live through me and needs me too much. Maybe I need her too much. I am so confused.
All I know, is I don't know how I am going to make it through the next several days.
I looked forward to my session today as my salvation, although I knew going into it that there is just so much time and then I am back to the "real" world. My therapist can't make time stop. So, I left in absolute, utter despair. And I still feel it. I feel nauseated. There is an inarticulable chaos that I can't get out.
I feel like I did the best I could in the session, but encountered my usual problem. I present as helpless and feel simultaneously helpless (and silent or with broken utterances) and yet needing to be in control. My even greater problem is not being able to pick one strand among the many in my head to focus on and talk about. So, I LITERALLY waste our 45 minutes.
Dear God, please help.
I have a problem of being unable to choose and focus on one thing. But when I leave, it is all swimming in my head, but he doesn't know about much of it. This is also a problem in my life in general-- an inability to make choices from the many: from what book to read to what to path to choose in life. I feel like choosing is limiting, but in the end, to not choose is to really lose everything, whereas to choose actually gives through the particular.
I literally feel like I am close to insane. Spinning and spinning. And no one knows.
I won't see my therapist in person until June. This makes me feel despair. We will have a phone session next week, but that seems so far away.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:984975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/984975.html