Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 11, 2011, at 2:02:08
In reply to Re: Boundaries and Trouble, posted by Dinah on May 10, 2011, at 7:45:26
Thank you, Dinah, for what you had to say. Your words really helped me. I have appreciated your responses to my posts over the last several weeks. It means a lot to know that someone hears and is there-- and what you have to say really helps me.
I especially connect to what you posted here on this post.
I like your idea of writing about one focused topic-- or at least a focused area-- and bringing that in. I have written out a lot in the past that I intend to share, but don't.
I think I will be liberated when I let go-- as my therapist says, I must surrender and trust. I must become vulnerable and open up to him and eventually to others, to life, and to myself. However, up to this point, I have been controlling. Even when I prepare intensely for sessions, when I get to the session, I don't let go and allow the interaction to unfold, but rather lose all control by trying to remain in control.
I liked what you had to say about maintaining my boundaries. It has already helped me prepare for this week. You are right. I can love my parents and the people at home and accept their feelings and reactions towards me, without incorporating their feelings into me. I can remain separate while attached. That seems to be the key.
My therapist and I discussed splitting in our last session. This related to how I either feel like I am totally helpless or else feel as if I must be completely in control-- and these are felt simultaneously. I told him that in the midst of this, I feel as if I must choose one or the other. I asked him if this is splitting. He nodded, yes. I told him that I think I have to be able to hold and accept both together at the same time-- to sit with it. He nodded yes again, and we sat with it.
This must be the path to liberation: he calls it surrender. and trust. and letting go.
I can practice my tools while home. My therapist suggested that I meditate for 20 minutes each day. I am going to try. I get to talk to him on Tuesday. I felt so distressed earlier that I thought I would have to make an emergency call today-- but things have gotten a little better for the moment. Maybe I am just in a better mood now and it all goes to sh*t in a while.
And one more thing that I appreciated you pointing out. It made me think that maybe it's OK for my parents to be proud of me at my graduation and to even, as I feel like they are doing, live some through me. My dad didn't get to graduate and so I can only expect that he might be graduating through me on Friday. And that's OK. I think it might even be good.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:984975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/985059.html