![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 10 to 34 of 39. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2004, at 20:53:14
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Dinah, posted by Penny on January 15, 2004, at 20:39:15
No need to be embarassed (tho I spent a fair amount of last session with my hands firmly planted over my face - and eye closing is good too). Your description matches me quite a bit.
I wish I had some good advice, but if you find a solution, let me know.
Posted by Joslynn on January 15, 2004, at 21:17:26
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Dinah, posted by Penny on January 15, 2004, at 20:39:15
You know what's so ironic Penny? Here you are, feeling embarrassed about not having sexual experience, and there used to be a time when a woman in her 20s would be embarrassed to admit that she DID have sexual experience.
I mean, I know that your aversion is something real and something to work on, but isn't it weird how as women, we always seems to feel embarrased about having too much sex/too little based on the time period or situation or whatever.
I've had sex and enjoyed it, but you know, I'm actually thinking of not having sex again until I am married. (Whether I could stick to that when tested remains to be seen.) By Cosmo standards, not wanting to have sex with a boyfriend would be considered bizarre.
It's just ironic...
Posted by Penny on January 16, 2004, at 8:45:31
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Penny, posted by Joslynn on January 15, 2004, at 21:17:26
It is quite ironic. You know, though, it's not so much not having experienced the act of sex that I find embarrassing, it's that I haven't experienced anything remotely intimate at all...
When I was in the hospital last summer, I was talking to another patient, and I told him about my lack of experience, and he was so great about it. He said I needed to be with someone who could help me work through my fears. I agree with that - but where would I ever find someone like that?
oh well...
P
Posted by Poet on January 16, 2004, at 10:16:02
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
I admit it- I don't like sex. My therapist and I have talked about it and she thinks its because I don't like to have anyone physicially close to me. She suggested I try massage, because I'd be touched in a nonsexual way. I think the massage therapist would give up after trying to get a concrete statue to relax.
Laughably enough my husband is a massage therapist, but won't work on me. I suppose, living with me is hard enough. I have the name of the woman he goes to, so maybe I'll call, but, I don't know.
Poet the Statue
Posted by justyourlaugh on January 16, 2004, at 10:29:09
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by Poet on January 16, 2004, at 10:16:02
for me i have to feel sexy...beautiful..and drunk(jk)
its hard when i cant even get dressed eveyday..
my husband views me as his "roomie"
maybe this summer ill have some...ha ha
seriously i think it is because of the depression,all things inside have died off..
j
Posted by dragonfly25 on January 16, 2004, at 11:49:17
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by Poet on January 16, 2004, at 10:16:02
massage can really help you learn to relax when stressed/uncomfortable about being touched. it takes some time but after awile you realize that you are not tense anymore when you get the massage and next yopu may notice that yourless tense around others. i really recomend it. and the massage therapist would not at all think it strange to have a statue in the room :) statutes are regular customers, not only for the reason of not enjoying being touched but b/c half the population is so stressed that their bodies can't relax. you may learn to enjoy it (massage :) it isn't a cure but it helps
Posted by Adia on January 16, 2004, at 13:07:54
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
Hi..
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this struggle..My T is away right now..but I was starting to work with her on my sex issues..
I was sexually abused by my father.Now I hate hate hate sex and wish I could live without it all my life. The relationship with my partner is hanging by a thread because now I can´t even stand to be kissed..or to sleep in the same bed. I panic, I feel I won´t be able to handle the consequences, what it makes me feel. I just can´t. The moment we are alone I feel I want to cry and curl up and be held safely as a child.
It´s really hard. He tells me he wants to see some progress, now it´s been months since I was able to let him do something..We argue all the time. I can´t even be strong and get through it, I haven´t let him touch me for a long time now.
I´ve talked with him a lot and he knows i hate sex and I told him I need professional help and now with my T away it´s really hard...we´ve talked a lot but still he feels really tired.
I too feel a bit hopeless about whether T can help with this..I do hate sex and if I could I would never ever do it, but I want to have kids and I would like to work this out but I feel I will never like that, I just want to be able to get through it at least once a month so I don´t lose my boyfriend.
Still, I do have some hope that with therapy things can improve...
I hang on to that......Just wanted to share...
I hope you can share with your therapist...
Maybe if it is too difficult , you can write it down..I´ve done that...Have you talked about it with your husband?
Is he patient?Just wanted to share and let you know I understand.
Adia.
> I’m generally not so bold – especially with groups of people that are new to me, so here it goes. I’ve noticed a lot of posts that include comments by the poster that he or she has an aversion to sex. I’ve told my therapist that I basically never want sex and that I’m hoping to improve my sex life with my husband. So, I have two questions for you all:
>
> 1. Have you discussed your sexual aversions with your therapist?
>
> 2. Do you believe therapy can change the way you feel about sex?
>
> I have my doubts that therapy can help, so I ask myself why I discuss it at all with him. To me, it would be like me telling him that I don’t like chocolate (Ha! Just an example, of course). How in the world would he be able to help me change that? If I don’t like it, I don’t like it. Know what I mean?
>
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 13:28:16
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » All Done, posted by Adia on January 16, 2004, at 13:07:54
Wow, you are working hard. Hang in there. I have been in your situation--actually I AM still in your situation. I have a husband and three kids. When I wanted to have children, that sex was very easy; the rest is hard. As I work through my own abuse issues I find that I recoil from my husband and just don't want to be touched. Especially at certain times--like in the middle of the night--or in certain ways.
I have to keep reminding myself that my husband is NOT my abuser, he hasn't done anything wrong. It is difficult for him as well. He is a good man with needs of his own that I can certainly understand but not relate to. At their core, our most major fights are over this very issue.
I find that the situation has gotten better over time. Therapy has helped me to separate out my feelings for my husband from the abuse. Like I said, I'm not there yet but I'm working on it.
Good luck,
antigua
Posted by DaisyM on January 16, 2004, at 13:56:40
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Adia, posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 13:28:16
Thank you for sharing that. I've become very adapt at stuffing all those bad associations away. But right now, because I've pulled so much out and told someone else for the first time ever, sex is really hard. I'm shocked by what is being triggered because I thought I knew and remembered it all. My Therapist says "you have to tell your husband how this is effecting you." I can't. It isn't his problem and he has needs too, so I just shut the images out. Since my hubby is pretty sick on/off it isn't an issue all the time, or even often.
I'm glad I'm not the only one. And I could never get a massage, no way, never-ever! Ick!
Posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 14:00:20
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
> 1. Have you discussed your sexual aversions with your therapist?
Not really. He brought up the discussion and I said I didn't want to discuss it, he hasn't brought it up since.
> 2. Do you believe therapy can change the way you feel about sex?Possibly, anythings possible, right?
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on January 16, 2004, at 14:14:09
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Penny, posted by Joslynn on January 15, 2004, at 21:17:26
> I'm actually thinking of not having sex again until I am married.
I think thats a good idea, I'm doing the same thing.
>By Cosmo standards, not wanting to have sex with a boyfriend would be considered bizarre.
> It's just ironic...I hate Cosmo, hate it, hate it, hate it.
Elle
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 14:16:31
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by DaisyM on January 16, 2004, at 13:56:40
No massages for me either--never!! I got a gift certificate for one and I KNOW I'll never use it. I don't even like to get me hair cut! I'm only comfortable w/someone that close to me because the same guy has cut my hair for more than 10 years.
Yea, my T says to tell my husband what bothers me so he will stop doing things that scare me to death, but I just can't even get into that conversation w/him.
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:24:48
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » DaisyM, posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 14:16:31
The strange thing with me is that sometimes I'm ok with it. If I initiate sex, it's ok, actually I can sort of enjoy the experience a bit. If I don't initiate it, I say no. If he doesn't stop persisting, then I lose my voice and I can't move. And luckily it goes fast, though it seems to take forever. And he doesn't notice I'm crying, so that's good. And I can't blame him because I don't resist, and he doesn't know what happened in the past. But I still resent him for it. Also, I've gotten really good at studying German while it's happening, or making grocery lists or just closing my eyes so hard I feel like they are going to drop into my throat. And my therapist wonders why I call sex bad....
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 15:43:25
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:24:48
I agree w/you. If I initiate it it's fine. Problem is my husband doesn't think I initiate it enough!!! And of course certain conditions must be met... I'm a lot of trouble, I know, but I'm worth it!! (keep telling yourself that, over and over again).
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 16:33:43
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Karen_kay, posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 15:43:25
My boyfriend's the exact same way. He doesn't think I initiate sex nearly enough. So, do you still do it when you don't want to, or am I the only one who can't seem to speak or move?
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 17:20:08
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 16:33:43
You know I would be lying if I took the high road and said: "Of course not, I would never let a man, not even my husband, force me to have sex."
Of course I do. When I drank, it was always easier because I would let my inhibitions go.
It has gotten worse in some ways as I remember more of the abuse. It's horrible. I try to move as little as possible and I kind of pick a spot to focus on the wall. Oh my, at this very instant I just realized that is what I did when I was kid--that's how I would lead to disassociating. Now I'm scared. I never realized that before. I didn't even know until just recently that I even disassociated--I saw myself floating up around the ceiling outside of my body, watching what was going on below.
Oops, I wasn't expecting this.
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 17:57:36
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Karen_kay, posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 17:20:08
I'm sorry that my post brought that up. I realized that once too, that I stare at my toes. Is your therapist on call, or do you have someone to talk too? I'm here as well.
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2004, at 18:03:17
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:24:48
I worked on a mathematical theorem the last time. I remembered that 8*3=24, and 4*6=24, and realize it was because (4*2)*3=4*(3*2). Then I double checked to make sure the same thing was true for every set of numbers I could think of. Then I tried to remember the name of the property that made it true. That got me through about half of it. Sigh.
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2004, at 18:13:08
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 16, 2004, at 15:24:48
It is also less bad if I initiate, and much less bad if it's planned. Which gives the double advantage of giving my husband the idea that I'm eager. I know what his target number of encounters is, and I just anticipate them and plan them. So he thinks I'm positively eager.
He must be a really bad acting critic.
Posted by DaisyM on January 16, 2004, at 19:27:03
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post... » Karen_kay, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2004, at 18:13:08
Ok, this is really really cruel. But the best thing about no lung capacity is that it HAS to be really really quick...
I'm sad, I know. For me it isn't the actual "sex", it is the other, touching stuff. Of course, those are also my vivid memories. And oral sex...torture, pure torture. I can't believe I just typed that, I haven't even told my Therapist that.
2 weeks ago, for the first time in my life that I remember, I floated away. At least it was during a session. I mean, things tunneled in, the light behind him grew big and I saw myself float out the window...scared the hell out of me. My Therapist knew something was wrong -- he said, "what just happened?" and then we talked about dissociation. He feels I must have done this as a kid but I don't remember (I guess that is the point, right?) So that is part of why I've been so afraid to go back to the subject we were on. I know I should, but it was so unnerving...It felt like just before you faint but I never blacked out...very weird. I get anxious just thinking about it again.
Is there a way to prevent it?
Posted by antigua on January 16, 2004, at 20:20:45
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by DaisyM on January 16, 2004, at 19:27:03
Wow. I almost did that on Wed. in therapy, but I didn't realize exactly what it was. I got as far as the tunneling in part but stopped it there. But I was actually talking about really difficult things and how I now know that I did disassociate. I've never done it that I've known about it. I just see myself floating in the air. I don't know what we were talking about, but it was really, really difficult. Now I'll have to try and figure it out.
It's all about sex, I know, because this thread is triggering.
antigua
Posted by Poet on January 17, 2004, at 11:30:46
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by dragonfly25 on January 16, 2004, at 11:49:17
You're right, she's probably worked on lots of statues. Plus she's been forewarned about me, now I just need the courage to make the appointment.
Poet
Posted by Fallen4myT on January 18, 2004, at 1:45:51
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
Hi I think that maybe there is a deep reason you don't like sex. It is good like candy and air, so by talking about it you may get past what is blocking you from enjoying it. I think because I don't have that issue I can see it objectively. And wow Karen you ASKED if you could masterbate thinking of your T :) COLOR ME IN AWE
Posted by All Done on January 18, 2004, at 10:49:39
In reply to Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 15, 2004, at 14:16:09
Thanks to everyone who posted here. I'm sorry I haven't really responded, but I guess it's a more difficult topic for me than I even originally thought.
I was able to bring the topic of sex up with my therapist yesterday. As always, he was patient and understanding. He let me know that it's okay to work on this and I know we can go at my own pace. I am coming a little closer to believing it can get better. As always, though, it probably won't be easy.
I hope this thread didn't stir up too many "bad" feelings and I hope all of you are doing okay.
Posted by Karen_kay on January 18, 2004, at 12:26:15
In reply to Re: Due to the mature nature of this post..., posted by All Done on January 18, 2004, at 10:49:39
Of course, go at your own pace. Easy does it! Maybe you should take a trip to see my therapist, as he seems to push me a little too hard to talk about things I don't want to... Then again, maybe not. I'm not sharing. But, it's a good thing you talked to your therapist, IMO. I'm proud of you! Keep up the good work.
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.