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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 14:55:06
I need some direction on how to proceed with things.. These are the issues.. Any wise women out there willing to navigate me??
1. Issue with my ex T.. How do I begin to move on?
2. Confusing my ex T with my dad.. What is really bohtering me ? - is it my relationship with my dad and csa and this secret Freudian idea of wanting to have a relationship with my father that I am projecting on to my ex T? How do I let go of this and start looking at my husband (who is just a husband) instead of longing for a paternal+husband figure in relationship with men?
I feel the real reason for my confusion is my longing for a paternal relationship combined with a husband relationship. Because of my dad's continuing csa for several years.. How do I begin to resolve that?
I also feel the reason I have this problem with my ex T is somehow deep down I confuse him for my dad. That is why I long for a continuing relationship with him.
How do I begin to navigate myself out of this web?
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 17:39:46
In reply to I need some direction, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 14:55:06
An interesting idea that my new T gave me is that, I should get a divorce and find someone who is like my father. She said maybe that is the solution to my problems.
I really like my husband nowadays.. I think he is getting to be a very good person.. and I really think I want to stay in this marriage..
But there is this desire to be with someone little older, and somehow I get very attracted to people who display a mixture of fatherliness and husbandishness towards me.. And I feel very restless.
My new T says maybe the right solution is to marry someone like that (maybe some one who is older) instead of trying to make myself fall more in love with my husband.. While I want to work on my basic problem and continue with my husband. I even sometimes feel like telling my husband everything - about my ex T, about my issues with my fahters, the supposed csa and how it affects me etc.
Posted by Dinah on June 20, 2005, at 20:06:13
In reply to Should I marry someone like my dad? » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 17:39:46
Was she serious?
Why would she think that was a good idea?
I'm a big believer in what is it called? Overdetermination? It's my theory that very few problems have single causes. And very few problems have single solutions.
Does she really think marrying an older man with characteristics like your father would solve all your problems?
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 20:27:31
In reply to Re: Should I marry someone like my dad? » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 20, 2005, at 20:06:13
She did suggest it pretty seriously. She thinks my restlessness probably will be solved if I marry an older - more father like figure. OR little older, but who displays little authorititaive relationship with me
She thinks the abuse caused by my father is probably quite a bit, that it might not be possible for me to ever recover fully from it and be happy with a non parental husband.
And I also always wanted to have a husband like that - one who is few years elder to me, but who would be more authoritative and guide me.. She also agrees that that may be the best kind of relationship for me and that it would be very fulfilling for me.
Posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 21:19:38
In reply to Re: Should I marry someone like my dad? » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 20:27:31
Hey, Pinkeye, I am going to respond about this tommorrow after I think about it. I married an older guy, and well , I am not so sure about that advice. All I know is sometimes just because they are older, it doesn't mean they are more dominate or smarter! lol
Posted by annierose on June 20, 2005, at 21:43:31
In reply to Should I marry someone like my dad? » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 17:39:46
I am surprised a T would even imply you should divorce your husband and marry someone more like your father. Shouldn't the first step be to resolve the issues within yourself in regards to the relationship with #1 your father and #2 your former therapist.
Divorcing and remarrying NEVER solves ANYTHING unless the person has changed internally. You are just changing one problem for another (usually much bigger).
Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe your T should be helping you work within your current marriage, unless there is physical and/or emotional abuse.
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 22:06:34
In reply to Re: Should I marry someone like my dad?, posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 21:19:38
But I really like guys who are little older than me.. maybe 3 - 4 years. Somehow it makes me feel safe and trusting.
Posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 22:08:54
In reply to Re: Should I marry someone like my dad? » pinkeye, posted by annierose on June 20, 2005, at 21:43:31
She suggested it because I said I don't somehow feel connected to him husband, and I have difficulty in viewing him as a husband. Somehow I treat him like a friend.. And somehow I have always felt a husband would be older.. it is difficult for me to break that. Somehow I find it very emotionally fulfilling to relate to little older men.
Posted by happyflower on June 21, 2005, at 2:01:07
In reply to Re: Should I marry someone like my dad? » pinkeye, posted by annierose on June 20, 2005, at 21:43:31
> I am surprised a T would even imply you should divorce your husband and marry someone more like your father. Shouldn't the first step be to resolve the issues within yourself in regards to the relationship with #1 your father and #2 your former therapist.
>
> Divorcing and remarrying NEVER solves ANYTHING unless the person has changed internally. You are just changing one problem for another (usually much bigger).
>
> Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe your T should be helping you work within your current marriage, unless there is physical and/or emotional abuse.I think annierose just said what I feel about what your T told you. I can't believe she said this.
Posted by happyflower on June 21, 2005, at 2:06:38
In reply to Re: Should I marry someone like my dad? » happyflower, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 22:06:34
> But I really like guys who are little older than me.. maybe 3 - 4 years. Somehow it makes me feel safe and trusting.
It is okay to like guys a little older than you, but I don't think they will feel like a father to you. I am attracted to older men, always has been. I do feel like older men know who they are and have established themselves already. Older guys are the same as younger guys, some are rotten, and some are good.
I don't think your dad or your T is good examples of a future man. I think it is because of them, you are having the problems. Me, I found a guy exactly the opposite of my dad, and it worked for me! lol
Posted by happyflower on June 21, 2005, at 2:09:11
In reply to Re: Should I marry someone like my dad? » annierose, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 22:08:54
> She suggested it because I said I don't somehow feel connected to him husband, and I have difficulty in viewing him as a husband. Somehow I treat him like a friend.. And somehow I have always felt a husband would be older.. it is difficult for me to break that. Somehow I find it very emotionally fulfilling to relate to little older men.
Your T is starting to freak me out, pinkeye. It seems to me that she should recommend ways on how to feel connected to your hubby, not find another man!
Posted by Tamar on June 21, 2005, at 8:11:07
In reply to Should I marry someone like my dad? » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 20, 2005, at 17:39:46
I’m extremely surprised that your T would suggest divorcing your husband and marrying an older man. On the other hand, I can imagine it more easily if she knows about your husband’s violence towards you. But even then, finding a new partner is not the most obvious solution to domestic violence, because many women leave one violent partner for another violent partner.
I find it hard to understand why she says you won’t fully recover from what happened with your father and why marrying an older man would help with your continuing problems. I suppose there’s a distinction to be made between full recovery and living with the aftermath; after all, we can’t erase the past. But how would an older man help with it?
I had a few relationships with older men before I was married and none of them were father figures to me. They just happened to be older (in one case 30 years older!). But maybe there are cultural factors that could add a paternal dimension to a relationship with an older man. I dunno.
Although I’m very surprised that your T would suggest it, I suppose there’s a possibility that she’s right. How do *you* feel about the idea of divorcing your husband and marrying someone older and more paternal?
Posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 14:21:23
In reply to Re: Should I marry someone like my dad?, posted by happyflower on June 21, 2005, at 2:09:11
I think she tried to make me feel connected. Thing is, my heart really goes out to people who are little older. Somehow I just find it easier to connect and be happy with older people.. Not sure why so, but I think a major part of it is my problmes with my dad.. My T just told that as a suggestion.. she is not really trying to get me to divorce.
How older is your husband? I feel very comfortable with people who are a few years older.
Posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 14:25:23
In reply to Re: Should I marry someone like my dad? » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 21, 2005, at 8:11:07
I think she just suggested it as a good option if I am unhappy with not being able to relate to my husband. I don't think she is pressing me to do it.
For me, somehow it has always been easier to connect to guys 3 - 4 years older than me.. I feel very attracted to them compared to men my age. And generally I get along very well with guys who are little authoritative..
But on the ohter hand, I also dislike beign controlled and told what to do.. I am so afraid of beign controlled.. so I don't know if it would really be good for me to be with an elder and little authoritative person.
It is like I love and dislike the same quality at the same time.. QUite possibly relating to my love/hate relationship with my fahter.
But another thing to consider is the fact that I outgrow people somewhat fast.. So even if a guy is older now, and knows more than I do, I might outgrow the guy in a couple of years.. Then what to do is a question.
But I feel very immensely attracted when someone is 3 - 4 years older and good.
Posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 21:14:06
In reply to Re: Should I marry someone like my dad? » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 14:25:23
I get extremely irritated when I talk to my father nowadays.. Just can't stand his jokes and fanatical remarks and his pretending to know everything, and his constant putting down of my husband.. He really is very insecure and doens't know much but thinks he is the king of the world, and still tries to joke artificially, and pronounce judgements, and behave like a 30 year old.
I really wish he would behave more matured, more his age, would mellow down, and kind of become good and sensible.. IT really irks me nowadays when I talk to him. And he makes comments aobut everybody and everything, and makes very fanatical remarks.. one day something is extremely good - the very next day, the same thing is extremely bad. And he makes judgements about everything without knowing anything about them.. And he tries so hard to crack jokes everytime.. and I don't like it. How do I make him more mature and sensible? I really wish he would grow up
Posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 21:23:25
In reply to But I get very irritated with my dad nowadays, posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 21:14:06
I am just wondering, am I a constant complaining machine nowadays? I keep complaining about some thing or the other in round robin - about my ex T or about my husband or about my dad..
This feels bad. Why am I doing this?
Posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 21:45:01
In reply to Am I just constantly complaining???, posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 21:23:25
And I noticed I never complain about women in my life - my mother or my current T or my girl friends..
Maybe something is wrong with the way I perceive men or the importance I give to them..
Posted by Dinah on June 21, 2005, at 21:57:14
In reply to But I get very irritated with my dad nowadays, posted by pinkeye on June 21, 2005, at 21:14:06
I think you're just in the process of changing life long perceptions. That's not an easy thing to do. And it tends to be all consuming while you do it.
Eventually you may well come to a new understanding of your father and his place in your life.
Posted by pinkeye on June 22, 2005, at 14:40:46
In reply to Re: But I get very irritated with my dad nowadays » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 21, 2005, at 21:57:14
Thanks a lot Dinah. You always manage to put more sense into my head than I ever have :-)
This is the end of the thread.
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