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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 9, 2011, at 23:37:57
I am about to have what will be a really hard couple of days and weeks.
I graduate on Friday, and my parents are coming in town on Wednesday. After graduation, I will be home in my hometown for several weeks until June 1. There are so many changes ahead for me. I know that changes can be exciting times, but they can also be overwhelming. I am really worried about how it is going to be spending time at home.
I love my mom so much. This is why this is so hard. I simultaneously want to spend time with her and also want to get very far away and be totally independent. I often feel like I can't get away. That is probably one of the biggest reasons why I felt that I needed to go to Boston. That would really be getting away. Here, I feel like I am still too close to everything to be dangerous-- my parents, my hometown, everything about my past. To have gone to Boston would have fixed a lot of that-- but I wouldn't have my therapist, and there enters despair again.
I couldn't stay and I couldn't go.
With my mom, although I love her, it is so hard to talk to her on the phone. I worry that this may all be in my head and may be my projection. I feel like I am clung to. Maybe this is just "natural" motherly love; or maybe she is trying to live through me and needs me too much. Maybe I need her too much. I am so confused.
All I know, is I don't know how I am going to make it through the next several days.
I looked forward to my session today as my salvation, although I knew going into it that there is just so much time and then I am back to the "real" world. My therapist can't make time stop. So, I left in absolute, utter despair. And I still feel it. I feel nauseated. There is an inarticulable chaos that I can't get out.
I feel like I did the best I could in the session, but encountered my usual problem. I present as helpless and feel simultaneously helpless (and silent or with broken utterances) and yet needing to be in control. My even greater problem is not being able to pick one strand among the many in my head to focus on and talk about. So, I LITERALLY waste our 45 minutes.
Dear God, please help.
I have a problem of being unable to choose and focus on one thing. But when I leave, it is all swimming in my head, but he doesn't know about much of it. This is also a problem in my life in general-- an inability to make choices from the many: from what book to read to what to path to choose in life. I feel like choosing is limiting, but in the end, to not choose is to really lose everything, whereas to choose actually gives through the particular.
I literally feel like I am close to insane. Spinning and spinning. And no one knows.
I won't see my therapist in person until June. This makes me feel despair. We will have a phone session next week, but that seems so far away.
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2011, at 7:41:19
In reply to Boundaries and Trouble, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 9, 2011, at 23:37:57
You write well. Maybe it would help to write on a topic you'd like to explore before the session. You don't have to read what you wrote to your therapist entirely, but it might help you with focus and concentration. And since you'll have thought about it beforehand, it might be easier to discuss. I think I used to also have long conversations with the therapist in my head, then show up for sessions to continue the discussion.
Maybe you could spend the next few days practicing to maintain your boundaries in a loving and kind way. You aren't an attachment to your mother. She can only get close to you, she can't get inside you. You have control over how much you let her affect how you feel. Can you think of the compassionate way your therapist maintains his boundaries and strive to maintain yours in a similar way? Not the boundaries about phone calls or after hours contact. What I mean is that no matter how upset you are, he is compassionate with your feelings but maintains his own inner calm? You could do some visualizations like your family and town being waves along the shore, and you could build a mental shield like a flood wall. You could measure how high the waves are getting, and how close they are to topping the wall, and adjust your mental distance accordingly. No need to be angry or upset with them. They are like the sea, a force of nature, and far beyond your ability to control. All you can do, all you should do, is keep yourself safe with your flood walls. You can even be loving to them, knowing they can't hurt you if you are careful around them.
Easier said than done, I know, and certainly I fail spectacularly at times. But it is an opportunity to practice, and the act of practicing itself can put some mental distance in your relations with them.
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2011, at 7:45:26
In reply to Re: Boundaries and Trouble » Annabelle Smith, posted by Dinah on May 10, 2011, at 7:41:19
It's also an opportunity to practice your DBT skills. Try to maintain yourself in wise mind.
And enjoy yourself a bit. Your mother loves you and is proud of you. Your family can't engulf you if you don't wish to be engulfed. Is she happy about the program you chose? You might want to concentrate on the objective good points of that program with her.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 11, 2011, at 2:02:08
In reply to Re: Boundaries and Trouble, posted by Dinah on May 10, 2011, at 7:45:26
Thank you, Dinah, for what you had to say. Your words really helped me. I have appreciated your responses to my posts over the last several weeks. It means a lot to know that someone hears and is there-- and what you have to say really helps me.
I especially connect to what you posted here on this post.
I like your idea of writing about one focused topic-- or at least a focused area-- and bringing that in. I have written out a lot in the past that I intend to share, but don't.
I think I will be liberated when I let go-- as my therapist says, I must surrender and trust. I must become vulnerable and open up to him and eventually to others, to life, and to myself. However, up to this point, I have been controlling. Even when I prepare intensely for sessions, when I get to the session, I don't let go and allow the interaction to unfold, but rather lose all control by trying to remain in control.
I liked what you had to say about maintaining my boundaries. It has already helped me prepare for this week. You are right. I can love my parents and the people at home and accept their feelings and reactions towards me, without incorporating their feelings into me. I can remain separate while attached. That seems to be the key.
My therapist and I discussed splitting in our last session. This related to how I either feel like I am totally helpless or else feel as if I must be completely in control-- and these are felt simultaneously. I told him that in the midst of this, I feel as if I must choose one or the other. I asked him if this is splitting. He nodded, yes. I told him that I think I have to be able to hold and accept both together at the same time-- to sit with it. He nodded yes again, and we sat with it.
This must be the path to liberation: he calls it surrender. and trust. and letting go.
I can practice my tools while home. My therapist suggested that I meditate for 20 minutes each day. I am going to try. I get to talk to him on Tuesday. I felt so distressed earlier that I thought I would have to make an emergency call today-- but things have gotten a little better for the moment. Maybe I am just in a better mood now and it all goes to sh*t in a while.
And one more thing that I appreciated you pointing out. It made me think that maybe it's OK for my parents to be proud of me at my graduation and to even, as I feel like they are doing, live some through me. My dad didn't get to graduate and so I can only expect that he might be graduating through me on Friday. And that's OK. I think it might even be good.
Posted by Dinah on May 11, 2011, at 8:19:18
In reply to Thank you » Dinah, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 11, 2011, at 2:02:08
I am happy if anything I said may have helped.
Let us know how your practice session (family visit) goes.
Posted by Lamdage on June 7, 2011, at 19:17:52
In reply to Boundaries and Trouble, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 9, 2011, at 23:37:57
Hey Annabelle,
i may be biased but i think you should look further into the topic "does she live through me".. it seems to me that she does.
Do you feel resentment, yet are ashamed of it because you love your mom so much? Does she play on your guilt feelings to bind you to her?
You seem very insecure about yourself especially in regard to her.. There is a reason for this. And that reason is likely her and not you. Id like you to read up on that topic.. a great book is "boundaries" by cloud and townsend. Theyre christian, too.
Also see how your therapist handles the topic. If he isnt really helping, find someone who wont pressure you into forgiving and rationalizing. I dont think its your fault at all that the therapy isnt helping. It may be the therapist having defenses to protect him from his own fate. Many people dont come to terms with their experiences with their family of origin. And these are very unlikely to be able to help you.
You feel insecure for your mother, you feel resentment.. you want to go far away yet feel guilty. What is it that she is doing that causes you these feelings and confusion?As for reading i personally prefer Alice Millers view on the topic.. I just cant picture god fearing, forgiving 4th commandment followers healing from emotional abuse and standing up for themselves. Forgiving is optional, necessary for healing it is not.
Millers book "free from lies" is a great read.. it might upset you though.I want to encourage you to search for answers for these questions. I think this is key for you to work toward feeling less confusion and getting to know yourself and what you want.
Posted by Lamdage on June 7, 2011, at 19:46:04
In reply to Re: Boundaries and Trouble, posted by Lamdage on June 7, 2011, at 19:17:52
Surrender to your therapist? My red flag is waving.. just my 2 cents
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