![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2011, at 9:13:36
I feel better, and I spiral down far less often, and I think I'm even spending less, but I still engage in self destructive behavior of its own sort.
When I get upset, even slightly upset, - at the first hint of upsetness sometimes before I even recognize it, I fall asleep or compulsively play endless games of Bubbles or similar games. Really compulsively. To the point where even when I'm doing something I have my iPod in one hand playing a game trying to tear my eyes away as I cook dinner or do the dishes.
It certainly feels better, this compulsive avoidance. And it works. But is it really better? One of my bosses saw me sitting in the car downstairs an hour or so after I left work, playing a word game. It interferes with my work and my family time.
I think if anything I use avoidance far more often now than ever. I still have problems with emotion regulation. I just avoid them rather than get caught up in them.
And what's the alternative? I think a large part of my emotional reactivity and slow return to baseline is biological. I don't even seem to be able to control my sensitivity to rejection and abandonment, no matter how much wisdom and common sense I apply to the matter. I can change my behaviors, and I have changed my behaviors. But while they are health*ier*, are they really healthy?
Posted by pegasus on June 9, 2011, at 13:51:45
In reply to Is this really better?, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2011, at 9:13:36
Well, I guess you're the only one who can say whether it is better for you. Having compulsive avoidance behaviors *sounds* a lot better to me, than feeling awful, spiraling down more often, and spending too much money more often. Does it feel better to you?
Clearly it doesn't feel entirely good . . . or maybe I should say *well*.
As you say, maybe it's biological. For what it's worth, recent studies are pretty clear that biological brain stuff can be changed. Although, the question might be whether it's biological stuff that you were born with, or biological stuff that got wired in response to your environment. If it's the latter, then I think there's more hope that you might be able to change it.
What does your T think about this? Are you talking to him about this type of thing these days, in your new, fragile relationship? Or is that part of what you are compulsively avoiding?
- peg
Posted by Dinah on June 9, 2011, at 21:23:47
In reply to Re: Is this really better?, posted by pegasus on June 9, 2011, at 13:51:45
You're right of course. It is better. I was focusing on the interruption to my productivity. I ought to keep in mind that my productivity used to be interrupted when I was a wreck too. It's not as if I was working while I was melted in a puddle of agitation.
We have addressed it, but not very effectively I'm afraid. I've often found that when I successfully addressed one issue, another pops up. Whac-a-mole.
I could be wrong, but I think it's probably genetic or at least developmental rather than environmental. My son has some of the same base issues I have, and I can see it in some of my mother's family as well.
We've actually been addressing this type of issue more lately. I've been trying to be a good little client, I think, and have been a bit inhibited in my ability to think of things to say. So he pushes me about socialization, and we address my avoidance. Unfortunately, I think I might be responding to his pushing in my habitual style. That is, becoming stubborn and noncompliant.
Posted by annierose on June 10, 2011, at 8:40:48
In reply to Re: Is this really better?, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2011, at 21:23:47
don't be too harsh on yourself ... I think you are doing the best that you can. I too find myself doing unproductive tasks to avoid "life" (as in cooking dinner, laundry, etc.). So now I set a time limit and say to myself, you can go on-line but only for xxx minutes then STOP. It's practicing self-control that will hopefully carry over to other parts of my life too. I am more successful than not at respecting the clock when time is up. But I still have a spare bedroom that I avoid entering since it has turned into a dumping ground of unwanted items.
Posted by Daisym on June 10, 2011, at 12:24:11
In reply to Re: Is this really better?, posted by annierose on June 10, 2011, at 8:40:48
Sometimes I think we all expect way too much from ourselves. It is human to want to avoid unpleasant things - even if those things are "just" feelings. One of my teachers is fond of saying, "most problems were a solution at one time."
The idea of coping is to find something that works for you. And then not judge the coping mechanism. I know when we stop and look at it, having to cope with the coping mechanism seems silly but I've decided that is life. Things happen, we adjust to them, and then another thing happens and we adjust again. I'm not fully self-accepting yet, but I'm catching myself wasting energy railing against things. I think self-soothing looks very different for each individual and short of hurting someone else, anything goes.
I'm reading Martha Beck's Book "4-Day Win" - which is a dieting book but really, it is about self-acceptance and rewiring your brain. Plus it is pretty hilarious in places. I recommend it, not for the weight loss, but more for thinking about how our brain is wired to take us down destructive paths until we begin to think differently.
Once again I find myself wishing we all lived closer so we could have more of these conversations together. The path to self-acceptance is pretty lonely sometimes.
Posted by Dinah on June 13, 2011, at 7:45:52
In reply to Re: Is this really better?, posted by annierose on June 10, 2011, at 8:40:48
I need to practice self control a lot more before I'll be any good at it. :)
I think that's half the problem. My self control isn't great.
And the other half is that I really overuse it. If I'm even the smallest bit upset, I do it. I wouldn't mind it if I left it for when I'd otherwise be a total wreck.
I think it's one of those occasions where I just have to suck it up and do it. And I don't.
Posted by Dinah on June 13, 2011, at 8:29:47
In reply to Re: Is this really better?, posted by Daisym on June 10, 2011, at 12:24:11
I wish we all lived closer, too.
I sometimes say I ought to be the happiest person on earth, because whatever I am doing at any given moment is the only thing I want to do. If I'm sleeping, I don't want to wake up. If I'm working, I don't want to stop. If I'm cleaning, I keep seeing some little thing that needs to be cleaned. My brain gets in a groove and it's impossible to budge it. That makes obsessive distraction a dangerous coping mechanism for me. :)
I wish I had some mental equivalent of heavy equipment to make detours in those mental grooves.
I will check at my bookstore to see if I can find that book. The "look inside" at Amazon looked interesting.
Posted by pegasus on June 13, 2011, at 9:05:20
In reply to Re: Is this really better?, posted by Daisym on June 10, 2011, at 12:24:11
Oh, I'm definitely going to get that book. Thanks for mentioning it. I read Expecting Adam many years ago, before I had my daughter, when I was so terrified of everything that could go wrong when trying to build a family. I found it fascinating and compelling, and really reassuring. But I haven't followed what she's been writing since then. Martha Beck has a way of writing that makes you feel like you just found a new best friend who really *gets* it.
- p
Posted by Solstice on June 17, 2011, at 9:48:50
In reply to Is this really better?, posted by Dinah on June 9, 2011, at 9:13:36
Dinah.. sorry for the late entrance into this threat.. but I think it is better. I don't think there's a utopia to be had of perfect balance... but we are working toward it. Sometimes we do get stuck, but by your own description, you have moved! As for whether it's healthy... Here's what I think is healthy:
1. You are very aware of where you were, and where you are now. THAT is healthy!
2. You are moving. You have moved from a place of more frequent de-stabilization, to a place where you sustain your stability by diverting your attention (when the ground gets shaky for you) to an hour of Bubbles sitting in the car. Maybe it's not about figuring out whether our way of coping today is 'healthy' - as much as it's about whether it's healthy-er. If the distractions you favor right now are helping you 'wait' until the sea calms - rather than reacting to something unsettling by spiraliing downward and becoming non-functional... then I would say that you are healthier than you were before - and you are going forward (not backward).I think the seat of your health, in my view, rests in your ever-present awareness of what's going on within you. Bubbles and whatever else you use to distract yourself (and prevent decomposition) IS a healthy alternative. So... You go girl! Happy bubbling!
Solstice
> I feel better, and I spiral down far less often, and I think I'm even spending less, but I still engage in self destructive behavior of its own sort.
>
> When I get upset, even slightly upset, - at the first hint of upsetness sometimes before I even recognize it, I fall asleep or compulsively play endless games of Bubbles or similar games. Really compulsively. To the point where even when I'm doing something I have my iPod in one hand playing a game trying to tear my eyes away as I cook dinner or do the dishes.
>
> It certainly feels better, this compulsive avoidance. And it works. But is it really better? One of my bosses saw me sitting in the car downstairs an hour or so after I left work, playing a word game. It interferes with my work and my family time.
>
> I think if anything I use avoidance far more often now than ever. I still have problems with emotion regulation. I just avoid them rather than get caught up in them.
>
> And what's the alternative? I think a large part of my emotional reactivity and slow return to baseline is biological. I don't even seem to be able to control my sensitivity to rejection and abandonment, no matter how much wisdom and common sense I apply to the matter. I can change my behaviors, and I have changed my behaviors. But while they are health*ier*, are they really healthy?
Posted by Dinah on June 17, 2011, at 21:38:38
In reply to Re: Is this really better? » Dinah, posted by Solstice on June 17, 2011, at 9:48:50
You're right. It is definitely an improvement.
But at some point I'd like to improve even more, and be more fully alive.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.