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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 26, 2011, at 20:42:25
For decades now, I have severely limited the time I spend with my mother. All of that has gone out the window in the wake of my father's death almost 3 months ago. I spent most of this week with her and I am at the breaking point. I feel obligated to share with my siblings in the burden of spending time with her and yet I know it is not at all healthy for me to spend this much time with her. I get so enraged and she is so very obnoxious and still abusive, albeit in a more subtle way.
And spending time with her makes me miss MY T (i.e., not current T) all that much more.
I'm sad and torn and done with my mother. Just not sure what to do about it.
Posted by Anemone on May 26, 2011, at 21:05:13
In reply to Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T, posted by TherapyGirl on May 26, 2011, at 20:42:25
Oh Therapy Girl, This sounds so hard for you, to miss "YOUR T" and to take on some of the burden to spend time with your mom during this difficult time. You have spent many years limiting your time with her and it must be so tough to have to spend time with her now. It doesn't help that she is (subtly) obnoxious. Please let us know how it goes!
Posted by Daisym on May 26, 2011, at 23:32:08
In reply to Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T, posted by TherapyGirl on May 26, 2011, at 20:42:25
When my mom's husband died a few years ago, she needed me and my siblings around a lot more. I love my mother but she often makes me feel small and like I'll never amount to anything. My therapist received more than a few phone calls during these weekends - usually when I was already in melt down mode. He helped me think of ways to shield myself knowing I *had* to put in the time so avoiding her wasn't an option. Maybe some of these will work for you too.
Watch Movies - or better yet go to the movies. No talking but you are still keeping her company. Bring a book and keep your nose in it.
Have her make a list of the chores that need to get done - and do as manyas possible in another part of the house.
Take her to visit other friends. See if she will join the Senior center near her. My mom thought she'd hate it but turns out she has lots of opportunity to organize stuff for the "older" folks. (cracks me up)
And the best suggestion my therapist gave me was to ask her lots of questions about her husband, how they met, etc. I was in college when they started dating so I didn't know that much. These conversations led to conversations about my grandparents and great grandparents - and I learned a lot about my mom I didn't know. In some ways it built a relationship between us that wasn't there before.
All that said, do try to take care of yourself. No matter what - no one else's needs are more important.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on May 26, 2011, at 23:33:54
In reply to Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T, posted by TherapyGirl on May 26, 2011, at 20:42:25
That sounds really hard, to feel obligated and (if you are at all like me) maybe a little guilty about feeling aggravated in her presence. I don't know really if you feel that way.
I shut down when with my mother. I feel badly about it, but I also feel that it is necessary.
How long do you see yourself keeping this up?
Posted by Dinah on May 30, 2011, at 15:52:17
In reply to Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T, posted by TherapyGirl on May 26, 2011, at 20:42:25
Well, maybe I'm a cold and unnatural daughter. But...
Abusive parents, in the words of Dr. Laura, tear up their parenting cards. I don't know if respecting your parents requires that you jeopardize your mental health to spend time with an abusive parent. My mother wasn't even abusive, but there is a limit to the amount of time I'm willing (or able) to spend with her. Maybe that's awful of me, but... I'd have given my right hand for my father, and spent time with him no matter how difficult he was. But spending time with my mother takes from me more than I can spare in any great quantity.
Is it really your siblings responsibility to spend that much time with her? Doesn't she bear some responsibility herself? Does she have a church or is she part of some social group? Maybe it's time to encourage her to rejoin her peers.
Again, perhaps I'm an unnatural and unkind person.
Posted by larryhoover on June 1, 2011, at 21:08:09
In reply to Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T, posted by TherapyGirl on May 26, 2011, at 20:42:25
> For decades now, I have severely limited the time I spend with my mother... yet I know it is not at all healthy for me to spend this much time with her.
Those are your truths, TG. Your feelings about your mom should not be subject to reinterpretation or questioning by anyone. Even by you. I feel strongly about this. Toxic relationships are simply toxic, and whatever duty or guilt or other concept puts you into that vulnerable situation is not good for you either.
Finding something better to do with your time is better for you. The moment you find the interaction to be a burden, you find a reason to leave. And you don't come back until you're ready. Even if that's never.
Lar
Posted by larryhoover on June 1, 2011, at 21:15:12
In reply to Re: Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T, posted by Dinah on May 30, 2011, at 15:52:17
Dianh, I'm concerned that you see yourself as the problem. I know you to be a caring, sensible, responsible, and empathetic person. If your mom is all of those, she should not want for your contribution to her social supports. Yes, abuse changes the equation, and children should feel no dutiful obeyance of parental respect that was not reciprocated in light of the total dependency of the child.
Lar
Posted by Dinah on June 4, 2011, at 9:56:36
In reply to Re: Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T » Dinah, posted by larryhoover on June 1, 2011, at 21:15:12
Well, I must say on her behalf that she's not particularly eager to see me either.
I don't think I always think of myself as the problem. But sometimes when people talk about their parents, even their difficult parents, I feel like there must be something wrong with me. Sometimes I try to bring up the feelings that must be lying there somewhere, from the many years when I was very young and she was a wonderful mother. But I just can't seem to do it. Maybe it's a self protective thing.
Thanks, Lar.
Posted by TherapyGirl on June 9, 2011, at 19:40:03
In reply to Re: Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T, posted by Daisym on May 26, 2011, at 23:32:08
Thanks, Daisy. These are all good suggestions. I do have to say, though, that there is no need to make a list of chores for my Mom. She is the most hyper 80-year-old you've ever seen. She currently mows 3 yards every single week, tends a vegetable garden, walks 6 miles/day and is constantly busy doing some project or another. I'm no help because I wouldn't do it right, you know?
I'm not sure I can ask her about Dad yet, but maybe I'll be able to at Thanksgiving. She is the hardest person for me to talk to about him, so mostly we don't.
Posted by TherapyGirl on June 9, 2011, at 19:41:14
In reply to Re: Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T » TherapyGirl, posted by sleepygirl2 on May 26, 2011, at 23:33:54
Shut down is very familiar to me, especially lately. I have no idea how long I can keep it up. Right now, I'll be with her at the family beach vacation, but only for a couple of days. Then I'm really hoping to take a sabbatical from her until Thanksgiving, but I don't know if that will work out.
Posted by TherapyGirl on June 9, 2011, at 19:41:39
In reply to Re: Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T, posted by Anemone on May 26, 2011, at 21:05:13
Thank you so much, Anemone. I really appreciate the support!
Posted by TherapyGirl on June 9, 2011, at 19:44:21
In reply to Re: Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T, posted by Dinah on May 30, 2011, at 15:52:17
No, Dinah, you're not cold or unnatural. I have the same impulses myself, but she is 80 and I think she feels horribly guilty about the way she treated my Dad the week before he died. She's always had trouble expressing her emotions and I don't think her childhood was a bed of roses, which gives me a slight amount of sympathy for her.
She is very involved in church, as my Dad was a minister, but that is one of the hardest places for her to be now. I think that's why my sibs and I feel so compelled to step in and be with her. I talked to my youngest brother, whose family is moving tomorrow, and he's willing to have her come stay with them while they explore and get settled in a new city. I told him I needed a break and he understood. :-)
Posted by TherapyGirl on June 9, 2011, at 19:45:26
In reply to Re: Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T » TherapyGirl, posted by larryhoover on June 1, 2011, at 21:08:09
You are very wise, Larry, and I appreciate the gentle kick in the pants. I will repeat your words to myself over and over and remember that I can leave when it gets bad.
Thank you very much!
Posted by TherapyGirl on June 9, 2011, at 19:46:07
In reply to Re: Too Much Mom, Not Enough of My T » larryhoover, posted by Dinah on June 4, 2011, at 9:56:36
I certainly agree with Larry's assessment of you.
This is the end of the thread.
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