Posted by WittyOne on July 17, 2006, at 9:16:23
Hey there! I am a mature, evolved(evolving!) guy-has lots of great therapy-this site & writting is NEW & Uncomfortable for me- YET I would like support! My recent therapist of 2 yrs has to terminate due to finishing degree/logistics etc-he has gotten a therapist to take-over. I am very bright/ This therapist for 2 yrs has done BRILLIANT WORK with me.. I cant begin to tell you the strength, brilliance & chutzpah it would have taken to handle my "Father" Issues (altho I have been dealing with them for yrs - yet THIS Time was different- I also said, I wanted to stop therapy soon, after 20 yrs of it.. I am told I know more than many therapists!)...I sort of have struggled with being gay-yet always have said I am gay. THIS Therapist (thats leaving) was hand-picked for me by a previous FEMALE therapist that was exceptional in helping me work thru my issues with my Mom! So.... I Get this Man who to me is a major 'Stud'- major "male" energy, does have or does project (very skillfully?) my fathers energy... anyways.. its been a great 2 yrs- altho I put him thru hell with my anger, frustration, mistrust, hurt, grief from/towards MEN. I thought the Therapist ("MR. X") was Gay - yet he would never ever answer... saying it wasnt important at this moment... He acts/appears straight- I have had a POWERFUL ATTRACTION TO HIM THE WHOLE TIME - HE SYMBOLIZES (From what I 'experience so far!! I KNOW therapy is a one-sided relationship yet I am perceptive, insightful... or am I just starting to be obsessed?)HE SYMBOLIZES EXACTLY THE TYPE OF MAN I HOPE TO ONEDAY HAVE A LONGTERM RELATIONSHIP WITH! I am not stupid to say I love him etc YET....he is POWERFUL PRESENCE/SYMBOL IN MY LIFE! Therapy ends in 2 weeks... thru various interplay/conversation- he mentioned the next therapist "is openly gay & that will be helpful for me"...So- I said; " I Take it, that means you are Straight"? Mr. X answered, no--- " I am Gay" ! I WAS IN SHOCK
All this time... all my vulnerability, sharing about my feelings/longing for men... he has been a terrific therapist and made a WISE DECISION TO NOT DISCLOSE HIS SEXUALITY, as he said/I agree; it wouldnt have allowed us to do the deep work on my issues with men/my Dad etc... NOW... I am EVEN MORE ATTRACTED TO MR.X---- Now that I know HE IS GAY--- I say.. I agree to ethics (like no client-therapist relationships 2 yrs/ 3 yrs etc) YET I WANT to have SOME form of a connection with him... Yet, I guess I Need to know IF (Would he ever tell me the truth?) HE FEEL'S ANYTHING FOR ME ? (I think he does, yet i may be obsessed as this man has sort of helped me come out or come alive with my authenticity, my manhood, my self in many ways.. altho I am still challenged with severe 'social phobia'.) WHAT DO I DO... I cant sleep.. I have cried all weekend.. its been 11 yrs since a relationship and NOW I feel feelings/longings that I havent felt in many yrs? I WANT TO BE , AT LEAST< Emotionally close with MR X .. now (& after tyherapy?)
HELP! I am feeling so much feelings, I am overwhelmed and scared---- HELP!
poster:WittyOne
thread:667715
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/newbs/20060108/msgs/667715.html