Posted by ForeverWounded on August 31, 2007, at 5:27:36
Hi:
First off let me say how much I appreciate this site, and thank Dr. Bob for maintaining it. On to my first post, which I regret is nothing uplifting.
I am currently in the process of a forced termination.
I have spent the majority of the night reading the archives about termination. However, even though I read through many threads, I did not see anyone talk about (1) hating their therapist, (2) wanting to "get back" at their therapist, or (3) never wanting to see their therapist again after a forced termination.
Rather, I saw numerous posts wherein the poster stated that he/she wanted to see his/her therapist again, or talk to the therapist again, or have some sort of contact. I am not that way at all.
I saw my therapist for about two years and bla bla bla was very close and dependent. I saw him twice a week and worked on severe and chronic childhood trauma issues. Abandonment is one of my biggest fears and one of the worst things one can do to me. In fact, I was always asking him if he was leaving. He said he was not.
My therapist work (ed) at my church's therapy center (large church). He was training to get his clinical psychology doctorate and assured me that he had no intention of leaving therapy or the center (he had already worked there four years.) He is, like so many of you have stated, "the best therapist I've ever had." It has been hard for me finding a therapist. The therapist must be a Christian male (my primary perpetrator was a woman -- and I am female also) and must be skilled enough to work on my issues yet also must offer a price I could afford and must be able to see me in the evenings. I looked for a therapist for about ten years, when I finally *stumbled* onto this one.
In June, my therapist informed me that he had accepted another position with the church, a directorial position in another ministry department that was offered to him by church leadership out of the blue -- that he was not expecting. Of course, I was devastated. I hurt myself that night worse than I had hurt myself in probably 15 years (since high school.) The wound needed stitches and I could not go to work. I could not believe that he would do this and this was happening to me. My trauma that night was doubly compounded by my scare of how much I had hurt myself, while in a dissociative state, immediately following the session - which I had not done in many years.
THEN he went on vacation.
Anyway, my therapist and I are continuing to meet until November to effectuate termination. I despise him. With a passion. The level of my hatred actually scares me. I cannot recall ever having this much venomous hatred towards a person. Of course, this demonstrates that I am intensely angry, feel betrayed, abandoned, rejected, and let down. What makes it worse for me is that my therapist will still be in my church community. I would still see him. He is in a directorial position, so even when I do not physically see him, I can see the changes in the church that he is already making -- posters and the like of his that are hanging up on Sundays. I see his name in the bulletin. I hear of him. I DESPISE him. I would much rather have him move away or leave, so that I can forget he ever existed -- not be continually reminded of him and the end of our therapy relationship. Instead, I fear that, because of my hatred and immense pain (caused by HIM), I may have to leave this church -- which I really loved. I envy all of you who have had a therapist physically leave. It is IMMENSELY painful knowing that: the therapist is still around all of the time, but that I can no longer see him. As if I am not good enough to see anymore. He says he would not have time to squeeze me in even every other week in his new schedule. I do not ever even want to go to the church office again after our termination!
I cannot even go to church on Sundays without becoming sad, intensely angry, or hateful. And I cry a great deal. There have been weekends where I have just sat at home crying. I cry on the way to and fro work. I cry at work. I go into the bathroom and cry. My cutting has increased. I have suicidal ideation at times. I feel so very tossed aside. It is like -- not only is he getting his new important job, higher salary, etc., but he gets the church too (did I mention I also have had experience with past abusive spiritual leaders that does not help this situation at all, since he is becoming a "spiritual leader"?) I lose my therapist and the church based upon his one decision, and I suffer so. It feels like being abused all over again. I feel raped by him.
I HATE HIM. I have thought of ways to hurt him, not terrible things, but of childish things like calling his house and hanging up once termination is over, or tearing down his posters at the church, or calling his office repeatedly and hanging up. I was doing so well, and he has taken that away from me with his decision. He has a right to take a job, but if he is still going to be at the church, flaunting that he is there, why can he not see me?
I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this? Hating the therapist, never wanting to see the therapist again, or wanting to inflict some sort of punishment (even if childish) on the T.
Of course, like many of you said (which comforted me to know that I am not alone) I do not want to see another therapist again. Ever. The entire therapy process now feels like one big "set up" to me. Therapists perpetuate a close attachment (or else the therapy is deemed "ineffective). This close attachment has many transferences, often parental. And then the therapist, AT ANY TIME, can choose to leave the client -- just like the client's perpetrating parent. I read here about all of the pain caused by therapist initiated termination. Pain that lasts for years. Why ought I pay for pain? I can be hurt for free. I do not get it. Not only do I believe I could not trust another therapist again (especially after this one assured me so many times that he was not leaving), but why would I want to -- when the nature of the therapeutic relationship could (and often does) end in a severely painful abandonment which causes (even traumatizing) pain for many years. Again, I could get this for free. If there is no contract for a client initiated termination only, it seems unreasonable to pay for someone to be able to abandon you at any time.
I am disgusted with psychotherapy all together.
Why should I (possibly) have to be hospitalized (when I haven't been hospitalized in over 15 years!) because of this therapist's painful selfish decision. Thousands of dollars I feel I have wasted on the therapist. The therapy itself was helpful, however, this termination is causing an extreme and unexpected deterioration. I feel as if I am losing everything that I worked (and paid) so much for in therapy. I also fear losing my job, since the grief of this termination has caused physical illness: I cannot eat as much, my stomach aches, I have diarrhea and heartburn. This week for example, I was late to work every day one-half hour to an hour. Again, this is HIS doing - the person I trusted and believed would not leave me or perpetrate this kind of unyielding suffering.
Coming here and reading that some of you have been in pain for years after a forced termination does not give me much hope. And that is how I feel -- pretty hopeless. Even if there was such a magical thing as a contract for client-initiated termination only (absent emergency), where could I hope to find another suitable therapist (after the 10 year search I already had!)
I am so very angry, wounded, let down, and in continual pain. This is not fair to me, who worked so very hard in therapy. I did homework, journaled, took my therapist's suggestions, and made sure to encourage my therapist about how my therapy was helpful so that he would want to work with me.
I can only see in the last session my saying terrible things to hurt him. Such as "I regret ever having told you anything" or "I will stay in this church to make your life a living hell because of what you've done to me." (These are just thoughts. I do not believe I could actually do anything to anyone else. I have always been self-attacking only. However, having these types of thoughts frightens me. I have never had other-attacking thoughts before!)
I do not know what to do. I believe I will be grateful when it is over, but feel like since HE is not leaving, *I* need to move away -- in order to start over after what he has done to me. How could I stay in my beloved church with him?
Has anyone else ever had these feelings after a forced termination? I did not see any posts about hatred, but only about wanting to see/contact the therapist again, grief, or the feeling of abandonment, or fear of termination.
I would appreciate any assistance you could give me, and I hope my strong feelings did not scare you off.
ForeverWounded
poster:ForeverWounded
thread:779897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070822/msgs/779897.html