Posted by ForeverWounded on August 31, 2007, at 15:49:12
In reply to Re: Forced Termination and Hatred *Trigger SI* » ForeverWounded, posted by Dinah on August 31, 2007, at 11:09:29
Hi:
Thank you everyone for writing me back so carefully, and taking the time to do so. I hear what you are saying about seeing another therapist. I just don't think I can. To me, it would be akin to walking down a dark alley and having the misfortune of being r*ped, and then choosing to walk down that same dark alley a day later. It would be foolhardy right?
As for my therapist's reasons for taking the job:
He told me that at first he really did not want the job. It was offered to him by the leaders of the church since he is scheduled to get his Ph.D. this year in clinical psychology specializing in marriage and family, and since he had a special interest in helping children (he does a lot of child psychology.)
He told them at first about how he wasn't interested, because he loved doing therapy. Then after much thought, and since the church had been looking for this particular director position for three years (!) he decided to take it. (I guess he's helping the church?) But he said, he did think about his clients and how hard they worked in therapy, and that was a major factor in his decision in initially not wanting the job.
He has already started in the new position, his office has relocated to the main church office, and we meet there. The church wanted him to start right away (I met with two of the pastors and this is true - they wanted him to start right away and they did offer him the job - he wasn't looking for it), so most of his clients he got rid of in August. He is just finishing up with a few of his difficult or long-term clients (like me) and so I go through November. Do you not think it was a long enough transition time? I asked him for a transition until December, but he said that November was "the best he could do." I don't quite understand why that is. He would only have to spare one measly hour a week. I really don't understand, and this also leads me to anger and hating him.
I also sometimes hate the church and the ministry that he is now director of. I feel like they "stole" my therapist, and I really needed him. I become very angry and come to despise anyone who is even involved in that ministry.
As for telling him my feelings - I really want to. However, even though I love him to death and he has been an EXCELLENT therapist, I feel that he is not one to handle termination well.
I feel like my expressions of anger and rage do not go over well. I feel that he gets really defensive. I think he may feel guilty. He has always been a loving therapist (in safe ways.) I say things like, "How could you do this to me?" and I guess that is not the most constructive way to get my hurt across, but I don't know what is. Am I just supposed to keep sitting there saying - deadpan - "I feel angry and hurt."
And I definitely do not want to tell him about how I have thoughts of hurting him. Threatening a therapist or anything like it is grounds for termination! I do not know what to do about that. I have had absolutely horrid dreams where I have hurt him.
I feel really restrained in what I can say about the termination. I wrote him an email once where I think I really let him have it and really blasted him - and he said the next session that I said "some really hurtful things." Or for example, when I said that he was abandoning me, that it felt like a form of assault to me, that I even felt that he hated me - he said that these statements were "pretty hurtful" to him since he had invested so much time and effort into our therapy and really cared for me.
This is where I usually tell him that I don't understand. I don't get why he is so hurt - he is the one implementing this termination! He is hurting himself! What is he? Masochistic?
Anyway, I feel pretty pigeonholed. I don't know what I can say to him that won't be hurtful to him. I definitely wouldn't be able to share with him my post. We are trying to deal with my leaving the church, as he feels I "do not have to." WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT? Of course I have to!! I am really furious and pissed off about this and begin to think that God wants to take away everything I want and love. Can anyone think of ways I can explain to make him understand why I feel it would be necessary to leave the church? Because I do not think he gets it. I've already told him that I would have to see him, his name, his work, etc. He replied that I could see those things and think, "Wow I miss him a lot, but we did really good work together and I value that time and wonder how he is now."
I DO NOT THINK THAT. When I see those things, I think, "I utterly hate him, want to hurt him, and now cannot think clearly throughout the service. I can't even sing the worship songs now after seeing his little ministry posters on the wall." I guess I could tell him that. I need to go to a church where I can walk in, get support, and worship and pray. Not one where I am haunted by my former therapist, thereby enraged, and unable to engage in church service. I do have a lot of supportive friends at the church. I am SO SO VERY ANGRY that *I* am the one that ALWAYS HAS TO LOSE, while people like him that already had their little perfect lives with their wonderful childhoods, marriages, family, and job, do not suffer, but always win. I hate him. I hope he dies.
I don't see how I can ever trust another therapist again. After being in and out of therapy for over ten years, I told him things that I had never told anyone. I REALLY trusted him. And I trusted him when he constantly said he wasn't going anywhere. I felt so very betrayed. I mean I needed STITCHES!
I don't know how to do this termination with him that 1) isn't hurtful to him and yet 2) expresses my feelings and thoughts. See, I also go to a DBT group and am learning InterPersonal Communication and I guess i am not Interpersonally communicating well. I do not know what to say or how to say it though. Last session, he was really irritated with me, and ended five minutes early (we weren't talking about termination - I was mad at him for something else.) It just seems so........like..it is hard on him. And I know it is. I have heard that it is hard on Ts - especially those who care for their clients. But screw the church! What about ME? What's going to happen to ME? *I* was in the middle of intensive 2x/week therapy. Now I have NOTHING (well soon.)
I hate them all.
Thanks for your responses. Sorry about the long rant - I guess I need it. I don't know how to do this at all. And the thought that *I* may have to go to the hospital because of *HIM* INFURIATES ME. He will be in his nice new job with his nice family enjoying church, while I am wasting away in an institution because HE had to better his life or help the church or whatever. I guess that ministry was more important - and screw everyone else.
I am so utterly afraid of what is going to happen to me. I wish he would just move away so at least I could have/enjoy the support of my church. Church is a big part of my life and now that is ruined too.
Yours truly,
ForeverWounded
poster:ForeverWounded
thread:779897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070822/msgs/780016.html