Posted by littleone on December 10, 2007, at 1:10:30
i can't do this anymore. i just can't. but it won't go away. it won't leave me alone. i try and hide from it but it keeps finding me and biting me. i'm on a road to nowhere and i just can't keep walking there.
my mum won't leave me alone. she keeps contacting me as a "caring" mother does. and it destoys me every time.
she seems so nice and she seems so caring and she seems so concerned and stuff. so it just destroys me to push her away. i feel so bad. very very deep bad. and so sometimes i crumble and try to be with her and that destoys me too. she doesn't see me. i'm invisible. i'm simply there to hold up a mirror and reflect her back to herself.
my t is trying to get me to learn to meet my own needs so i won't be so upset when she doesn't meet them. so last time i took a different approach and interacted with her, but dropped the mirror so she had to just look at me. and it was just devastating to try that. very very distressing and left me a complete wreck. and when i did finally get a response from her, she dismissed me. Dismissed me shrouded in "caring".
And now she's contacted me again and i just can't handle it. i can't do this anymore. anything i do leaves me very very bad or completely invisible, non existant.
my t keeps saying that once i'm not relying on her to meet my needs i'll probably want to be with her again. but i think that's so wrong. people only be with people *because* they meet a need. whether it's because someone is good to be happy with or sad with or they listen to you or you can caretake them or whatever. lots of different ways we look to people to meet needs.
and if i don't need mum to meet any needs anymore, then why would i want to be with her? what on earth would i get out of it? it makes no sense. i have no love or caring for her. my caring bits are broken.
and this is a really bad time of year. she puts so much pressure on me to do christmas. she forces it on me even though i clearly state i'm not participating.
i just want her to leave me alone. but i can't ask her to do that because then i'm bad bad bad.
i don't know how to do this. i can't keep doing this.
i'm such a horrible daughter. horrible beyond words. i dont' have the words for it. my mum is in huge life transition. she sold her house and moved into a caravan and is about to go caravanning for a year. it's my job to make her feel good about her changes and go visit her caravan park and check out her van and see her off and make her feel less alone and make her feel good. that's what i'm supposed to do as a good daughter. and instead i've done nothing. hidden from her. i'm the worst scum. if i was on the bottom of your shoe, you wouldn't even try to scrape me off. i'm so disgusting you'd just want to throw the whole shoe away.
i can't do this. lots of people would kill to have a caring mother and apparently i have one here and i just want to push her away. so bad.
poster:littleone
thread:799847
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071204/msgs/799847.html