Posted by lovelorn on December 10, 2007, at 11:11:42
In reply to evil bad horrible awful disgusting unworthy, posted by littleone on December 10, 2007, at 1:10:30
>i can't do this anymore. i just can't. but it won't go away. it won't leave me alone. i try and hide from it but it keeps finding me and biting me. i'm on a road to nowhere and i just can't keep walking there.
Can you define what this "it" is?
>my mum won't leave me alone. she keeps contacting me as a "caring" mother does. and it destoys me every time.
>she seems so nice and she seems so caring and she seems so concerned and stuff. so it just destroys me to push her away. i feel so bad. very very deep bad. and so sometimes i crumble and try to be with her and that destoys me too. she doesn't see me. i'm invisible. i'm simply there to hold up a mirror and reflect her back to herself.
She "seems" caring. Are you saying or feeling that her caring isn't genuine? Or, do you feel and think her caring is conditional? Like she will express her caring only if you do x, y, or z? Why do you feel invisible? Do you think she knows who you are, do you think she 'hears' you, or maybe do you think she is in some kind of denial about you? That she holds an image of you are that is not completely true and doesn't want to know the 'real' you or something?
>anything i do leaves me very very bad or completely invisible, non existant.
Anything in relation to what? Here it makes it sound like "everything" you do is very bad or leaves you completely invisible, non existant. Is it only in relation to your mother that you feel this way, or other things as well? This sounds a bit like you do things that go against your nature or what you are truly feeling, that you are just doing what others or even yourself expects you to do, not what you really feel and think you should do.
>And now she's contacted me again and i just can't handle it.
What can't you handle? And what can you do different so you can handle it.
>my t keeps saying that once i'm not relying on her to meet my needs i'll probably want to be with her again. but i think that's so wrong. people only be with people *because* they meet a need. whether it's because someone is good to be happy with or sad with or they listen to you or you can caretake them or whatever. lots of different ways we look to people to meet needs.
>and if i don't need mum to meet any needs anymore, then why would i want to be with her? what on earth would i get out of it? it makes no sense. i have no love or caring for her. my caring bits are broken.
Well, normally family members see eachother because they feel a love and attachment and are interested in how each other is doing and wanting the best for one another. Makes us feel a bit less alone in the world. Could it be there is a part of you that still needs or wants to need your mother some way that you are not getting at the moment? You say that your caring bits are broken. Do you want it to stay that way? Or, is some part of you looking to have it fixed? And for what exactly.
>i'm such a horrible daughter. horrible beyond words...
> it's my job to make her feel good about her changes and go visit her caravan park and check out her van and see her off and make her feel less alone and make her feel good. that's what i'm supposed to do as a good daughter. and instead i've done nothing. hidden from her.Well, again, normally we do want to make members of our family feel good if we don't have other issues going on. As rskontos said though, it is not all your responsibility to make her feel good. Your mom has her life and you have yours and each is responsible to themselves first to feel good about what they are doing, and then hopefully too each can get 'extra' feel-good from each other.
Think about it without the "emotions" or whatever your issue is - going to see her new caravan and saying I am glad you are doing what you want to do and wishing her well is not a huge deal. What makes it huge is some kind of huge responsibility I sense on your part that somehow you are somehow completely responsible to make her feel good, that somehow your mother is not able to make herself feel good about her ownself?
>and this is a really bad time of year. she puts so much pressure on me to do christmas. she forces it on me even though i clearly state i'm not participating.
>i just want her to leave me alone. but i can't ask her to do that because then i'm bad bad bad.
As an adult, you can ask her to leave you alone for awhile, and you can not participate in doing a Christmas if that is what you want. Perhaps tell her you are going through a rough time right now and want to be left alone to sort things out and that you will call her when you feel better able to talk to her and be with her. Why does that make you bad? Think of it as having the flu and you need to take some time off away from everyone for a time to get better. I know easier said than done. I just wanted to point out some logic in what probably seems like so much emotional charge about your relationship and the Xmas holiday, etc. Logically, you can decide to not participate as an adult, logically you can tell your mom to just back off for a little while if she really 'cares' about you, so you can get to a better place in your mind and emotion about things.
>i'm the worst scum. if i was on the bottom of your shoe, you wouldn't even try to scrape me off. i'm so disgusting you'd just want to throw the whole shoe away.
Whoa. That is a lot of negative self-talk. You judge yourself very harshly. What have you really done to think that way about yourself. Or, what has anyone said or implied to you that they think you are what you think you are. You are having some problems about caring about your mother, you have some issues that need sorting out - you are going through pain and hurt of your own and are trying to figure stuff out. Give yourself a little break and approach yourself and others honestly about that.
>i can't do this. lots of people would kill to have a caring mother and apparently i have one here and i just want to push her away. so bad.
Again, you say "apparently" - you are unsure whether you do have a caring mother or not. Something must be making you question this so much. Wanting to push her away is a sign that there is something that is really troubling and pressing on you about her and about your relationship towards her. I hope you will figure it out and will be able to come to some kind of peace about it, and hopefully too you will be able to have some kind of relationship with your mum. It may not be a 'storybook' one, but hopefully one that makes you feel a lot less harsh on yourself. As for your mum, just keep in mind that she may be in denial about some things and may always be. Hopefully though some day soon you will be able to really have a talk with her about what is troubling you and what you do and don't want from her.
poster:lovelorn
thread:799847
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071204/msgs/799899.html