Posted by alexandra_k on May 22, 2011, at 7:51:37
In reply to Re: Cautiously re-engaging » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2011, at 18:43:48
yeah. i understand feeling sad and lonely. i still get those feelings. sometimes i wish i was closer to someone. and to people more generally. guess the latter is required for the former, really (for me).
i remember reading something somewhere about how people with a certain condition (that doesn't really matter) often go to shopping malls for some kind of connection with people. people being around and maybe smiles with strangers or something. but not too much. not chit chat. nothing more intense than that.
i never understood the mall thing since i'm more likely to get socially anxious in crowds. but i guess (before my injuries) i did used to go on walks by the river sometimes. smile at the odd person or pair of people walking past. maybe that was a similar thing.
i don't really feel like part of the group i'm training with... they are older guys for the most part. they care a lot about the bench press and i don't do that. they don't Oly Lift. so i just do my thing on the platform or the space next to it and they have their little sewing circle over by the bench press lol.
but i guess it is okay? normal? for me to feel a bit apart from them. i kinda like that actually. i like being a bit odd. a bit different. i feel that way no matter what i do... so the visible separateness (different demographic, different activity) kind of works for me. to feel part of the collective (they look after me when the younger bros crowd me or when younger chicks stare at me sometimes like i'm a freak). help distract me from them so i can refocus on the shared aspect - making progress on our different training goals.
sometimes i wish i was closer...
there is the odd guy who seems like he might be interested in me. i feel... ambivalent. i do want to be closer to someone... but i also feel like it wouldn't be good for me. seem to have some kind of even(ish) keel at the moment. only have my super-distressed thing very occasionally these days. i think being emotionally closer would throw me off balance. good times, yes. but bad times, too. i'm not sure that the bad times would make it worthwhile. and the smoking... i need to give up for me. and... i can't do that right now. but anyone who cared about me wouldn't tolerate my smoking... so... that kind of settles things, really (and maybe that is a part of why i still smoke).
and then there is the... weird aspect. not used to it at all. players. there is this whole 'game system' and 'alpha male' thing... some guys have weird ideas... that guy i liked a while back? turns out i didn't know him very well at all. he was enjoying the attention that he got from the bros by training with me. he sexualized the gym space but i was so new to it i didn't realize that it was his presence in particular that was doing that. he isn't really into Oly Lifting. just the attention it got him. i basically avoid him now. polite to him but cool. i'm kinda at peace / okay with it... though i feel like a bit of a fool for thinking that he cared about me at all. learned a lesson in taking things slow... but i don't know that i'm capable of that. lose my even keel... relationships probably aren't a good idea for me.
i don't really care about philosophy anymore. don't feel passionate about it. don't read it. find it hard to force myself to write. i think part of it is just what happens when you are at the stage that i am at. that things come right once the thesis is done. but i do worry that i've simply lost the joy with it. but even if i have lost the joy with it i need to earn a living. even if it really does feel like work... so long as i bloody do the work. part of this is my own fault, too, for bailing on the social interaction aspect. going to conferences / seminars / workshops / talks... that kind of thing is really very important for keeping one interested in things. and i haven't been going to those...
i don't know dinah.
not much has happened for me over the last year. scholarship ran out so needing to work to support my living costs. some tutoring work and some functions (catering basically) work. only just enough to get by... sort of... this can't keep up indefinately... supervisor gets back in a month or so and i need to give him a couple chapters by then. or... i'm in the sh*t basically (seriously). i'll make sure i get those chapters to him.
i'm... well i fell into a bit of depression / demoralization or something about not getting into med school. got myself psyched up about that being my next move. once it fell through... i felt at a loss really. not knowing what i wanted to do with my life anymore. the functions work is helping me see that most other jobs really aren't very palatable for me. academia would be much better if i can get into it. it isn't terribly likely (especially since i've bailed on the social aspect and i think i might well continue to do so). but i do want to finish my thesis now. get it done. who knows what my next move will be.
i do feel sad a lot. a little depressed, i guess. but really enjoy the gym. getting more enjoyment from teaching now compared to the functions work. getting into the spirit of writing up. partly it is scary because once i'm done... i won't be a student anymore. and that has been what i have been since... forever.
rant sorry...
how are things for you?
poster:alexandra_k
thread:985589
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/985937.html