Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 24, 2011, at 17:57:39
Dear________
I just had a phone session with you. You and I both agreed that it went better than the previous phone session last week. I was better able to focus and sustain conversation on one topic. I certainly didn't feel fully present, but was at least able to begin to hear you and respond to you.
But I left feeling profoundly empty. I still feel this way. Part of it is because there are so many things that I wanted to discuss and didn't get to. We ended up talking about meditation and tools for me to use, for what felt like the entire time. I am not trying to be obstinate, but am not that attracted to meditation and the tools you offer. I am going to try to try them, but it is hard to make myself want to. As I have stated earlier, I get this awful feeling that this will be "as good as it gets," that meditation is about toleration and there will be no deep, core healing-- you won't even attempt to go there, in the way that you would for your other patients (I read one psychologist who authored a book on BPD who said that one should not even attempt deeper healing with a borderline). Maybe you won't. Maybe you think that meditation and tools are all that we need, and that I just must cope on my own, that any deeper healing is impossible.
Today, I have felt afraid. This morning at 4:30am I woke up with what felt like being choked by icy fingers. It was hard to breathe, and I felt like I was choking. Each time I swallowed, I felt choked. I realized it was drainage in my throat, but felt scared. Death seems near to us all. On Friday night, I had a bad dream. I'm afraid to write about it here, but will tell you about it.
Death seemed really near then. I feel upset about the tornadoes that have killed so many people. The same weather than gives us rainbows and the birdsong also sends tornadoes that tear people out of hospital windows. It makes me feel like the universe is indifferent to us-- that there is no God, that we are cosmically alone. It seems like there are constant storms, even here tonight at my house, and I feel scared.About the meditation, I also fear that it will blunt my intense feelings and emotions. For some reason, more than anything else, I feel a need to express these emotions-- sometimes it seems that whether negative or positive, what is important is the intensity, and it must be released, as it has always been repressed and bottled up inside. I think that intense feelings and sensitivity to the world are both a blessing and a curse. I feel strongly that somewhere deep within myself there resides both a blessing and a curse. I think that one may not be possible without the other. It is hard to be a sensitive person-- I think that you and I are both that way. But there are ways to cope. There are ways to direct our energy in positive channels-- writing, art, studying, researching, creativity, engaging new ideas, seeing the world in new ways. Maybe you are right and meditation is a way to cope too, a path to a higher experience of being alive, to bliss and fulfillment. I will try it; it doesn't hurt to try. But it does make me feel confused.
Maybe my problem is that I am spinning and stuck-- maybe meditation doesn't have to blunt our feelings. Maybe it can bring them out even more deeply and authentically, although even when I write that, I don't know that I believe it. I feel like my intense feelings and my endless thoughts are all that I have-- they constitute the substance of my being, and their blessing is one of the only things that is mine. I don't want anyone to take that away from me. I will not allow anyone to take that away from me. I hope you don't want to.
I feel like I need somebody to talk to. I wait for my session as for salvation, and then, it is over so quickly. I am really struggling with my faith. It feels gone, dead, empty. I feel hopeless. Maybe it doesn't really matter that much whether there is a God or not. But for me, right now, it does. I have been living within a certain way of seeing the world, and with God gone, I have an intolerable empty hole of meaninglessness and loneliness. I used to be able to tolerate my loneliness by talking to God. There were times where I felt intimately held, sometimes I even felt at one with God-- a pure bliss, wherein all seemed well, like a glimpse into eternity. But that is gone. I just want someone to talk to about God. I have thought of going back to my old habits-- asking my pastor if I could speak with him and emailing others. But those habits are what hurt me so terribly by becoming dependent upon others and then their telling me I was bad when I really opened up to them. Also, they would not understand the psychological and other factors underlying this-- they would not understand that they themeselves are contributers to my problems-- big contributers to the systems of power and authority from which I can't break free.
The other option I almost engaged tonight. I almost talked to my mom about it all-- but that wouldn't be right. I need to separate from her, not further engulf myself.
I definitely feel scared and alone. When our 45 minutes were up in the session today, I felt despair. It came as nausea. Pure, disgusting, impossible nausea. But I don't want anyone to take it away from me-- it is mine. It may be all that I have, but dear God, it is mine.
I need to talk to somebody.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:986149
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/986149.html