Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 25, 2011, at 11:47:27
In reply to All for tonight, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 24, 2011, at 18:56:50
I feel ignored and rejected.
I feel so much pain, and feel ignored and rejected by everyone, family, acquaintances, most of you, even my therapist. At our last session, he referred in a general way to his other clients. I am trapped inside of myself and will be forever. No offense, please, but I feel that it is clique-ish on here. Either that, or you all hate me. I read about your sessions on here and feel so f*ck*ng jealous-- I can't even cry. God f*ck*ng dammit. I am once again being denied something. I am enraged.
I can get narcotics today. I will get them and hold them and save them. The world is ugly and I feel there is no hope. I won't do the action yet, but I think one day, God f*ck*ng dammit, one day.
The anguish is intolerable. I don't care much for Jesus and apart from what follows, he has never meant much to me, but I think the ultimate expression of meaninglessness and anguish and torment is the crucifixion. That is often the only meaningful thing for me. And sometimes that means everything to me.
I think there is a crucifixion at the center of reality.
The worst part of this is not the hurt, no matter how much pain and suffering. The worse part-- the hell, the anguish, the pain that I can only begin to feel approximated in the look of the bleeding divine-- is that everything is trapped inside of me with no exit. Alone with no f*ck*ng exit.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:986149
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/986194.html