Posted by Dinah on July 27, 2010, at 8:07:06
In reply to Re: Rewards, posted by Dr. Bob on July 27, 2010, at 1:42:37
> > If someone routinely forgets to "thank" my posts while "thanking" others, I certainly note it and recognize I am unhelpful to that poster and think twice about responding to them.
>
> May I ask if you feel hurt by that?You may ask anything. And sometimes I'll answer. :)
I suppose I do feel hurt. How hurt might depend on context. Or maybe I always feel hurt, and just deny feelings of hurt and defend against them sometimes more than others. May I ask why you ask?
> > Lots of things are a fact of life. Lots of things are true. I thought it had long since been decided on Babble that just because something was true, pointing it out was not necessarily either civil or kind.
>
> I agree, pointing out that someone hasn't been thanked many times might be considered uncivil.Isn't reporting their rankings of "helpfulness" pointing it out? I consider it to be pointing it out. And by the administration of the site at that. If you were to point that out to me by publishing my poor rankings, it would feel to me that you were pointing out that you would prefer more helpful people to post here and I ought to leave.
> How might parents hurt a child with a reward system?
Are you a huge fan of behavior modification? Hmmmm.... Of course parents can hurt a child with a reward system. We aren't dogs to respond to a clicker system.
"You aren't on your way to winning a gold star today" can be hurtful. "Johnny has ten gold stars this month and you only have one" can be hurtful. The latter is what you are proposing, in effect.
Gold stars can be withheld or granted based more on the feelings of the granter than the behavior of the grantee. The withholding of gold stars can be used as coercion to a sensitive child. Some children might grow to believe that they just aren't capable of gold stars. That starless row on the class chart can become an indicator of the future, causing the child to give up or even to make d*mn sure they in no way qualify for a star so that they won't be disappointed. A child can believe they are being helpful, and be simply devastated at the end of they day when they didn't receive a gold star. Standards by other posters are unlikely to be as clearly outlined as a proper behavior modification program should be (even if I were a firm believer in behavior modification programs). Peers might be more likely to reward those whom they like, those who are popular, those they perceive as powerful (if they wish to curry favor or appease, for example). Being popular and being helpful are not synonymous. I'm not even suggesting any maliciousness of motive. It's a fairly normal thing to reward our friends or people who agree with us.
It depends on the child, I suppose. But I would never have used a rigid reward system like this for my child. I'm not a behaviorist. I don't believe humans are so simple. Rewards flow naturally from the choices you make. Natural consequences. Not gold stars. And of course, the major way I taught my son to understand what he ought and oughtn't do in life is by explaining what the rules are why the rules are in place. The behavior comes from him, and has to be motivated by his own beliefs, not by an arbitrary reward system that will end at some point. Should he only be helpful to win gold stars? Or should he realize what being helpful can mean to others and be motivated by his compassion for others? I think it would have harmed him a bit to teach him to be good for rewards.
Of course, this begs the real question. You have always maintained that answering itself is helpful. You have encouraged people to answer posts by newcomers, or posts that have not received responses. Are you now saying that you don't consider the act of caring enough to answer supportively helpful enough for this site?
poster:Dinah
thread:952980
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20100714/msgs/956094.html