Posted by Jost on October 11, 2006, at 17:49:02
In reply to Re: Is it all my fault? (long again), posted by All Done on October 9, 2006, at 17:00:44
It's great that you're reframing it as a project, rather than an abandonment, or loss on the part of your son-- and yourself.
Separation is a huge issue-- perhaps your sense of loss and his are complementary. So you both have to work on knowing that it's a loss in a way-- because you aren't together in your good way-- but it can also be a gain-- you'll feel one another's presence, and be able to experience so many meaningful things, that you couldn't do if you were always and only together.
And you'll see one another again, and share what's happened. That can make your being together richer and more exciting too.
I do think being as caring, but firm, and unambivalent-- as you can-- when saying goodby-- is helping him too. From my own life, I've come to think that if a child senses that a parent is too sad, or frightened to separate, it gives the child a sense of letting the parent down, causing their parent to suffer, and also of being bad in enjoying himself-- in choosing separateness.
Sometimes it seems like rejection, but in other ways, it's faith-- in his (and your) ability to handle the day-- to stay connected-- and, in fact, to reconnect later, despite distance.
I hope you don't feel too sad at seeing him move into a new part of life-- I know it is sad, in a way-- but it can be good, too--
Jost
poster:Jost
thread:691549
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/child/20050817/msgs/693914.html