Posted by All Done on October 17, 2006, at 17:21:11
In reply to Re: Is it all my fault? (long again), posted by Jost on October 11, 2006, at 17:49:02
> It's great that you're reframing it as a project, rather than an abandonment, or loss on the part of your son-- and yourself.
>
> Separation is a huge issue-- perhaps your sense of loss and his are complementary. So you both have to work on knowing that it's a loss in a way-- because you aren't together in your good way-- but it can also be a gain-- you'll feel one another's presence, and be able to experience so many meaningful things, that you couldn't do if you were always and only together.
>
> And you'll see one another again, and share what's happened. That can make your being together richer and more exciting too.
>
> I do think being as caring, but firm, and unambivalent-- as you can-- when saying goodby-- is helping him too. From my own life, I've come to think that if a child senses that a parent is too sad, or frightened to separate, it gives the child a sense of letting the parent down, causing their parent to suffer, and also of being bad in enjoying himself-- in choosing separateness.
>
> Sometimes it seems like rejection, but in other ways, it's faith-- in his (and your) ability to handle the day-- to stay connected-- and, in fact, to reconnect later, despite distance.
>
> I hope you don't feel too sad at seeing him move into a new part of life-- I know it is sad, in a way-- but it can be good, too--
>
> Jost
>Absence makes the heart grow fonder, huh? I think my heart is going to burst from all this "fondness" I have for special people in my life. ;)
I just don't know - how do I get over this desire for him to need me? I want him to be happy and gain independence at an appropriate rate. How do I know what that looks like without having raised another child and perhaps more importantly, without having gained my own independence at an appropriate rate? I'm so afraid of being like my mom. :( I've got to let him grow up.
Thanks for giving me a lot to think about, Jost.
poster:All Done
thread:691549
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/child/20050817/msgs/695611.html