Posted by All Done on October 16, 2006, at 17:23:44
In reply to Re: Is it all my fault?, posted by Dinah on October 3, 2006, at 17:27:21
> No, it is not all your fault.
>
> Our kids are born with their own personalities. And their own needs.
>
> My son spent the first eight months or so of his life being held by someone, because he screamed bloody blue murder when you put him down. He didn't move to his own bed until he was two, and that's only because we bought him a really cool race car bed. On occasion we tried to let him scream it out. But my son is a pretty determined little screamer, and in general refuses to make any developmental step until it's *his* choice.Yeah, I've found n is best left to develop at his own pace. The very few times we've tried to "push" for a certain step to be taken, it's backfired on us. He lets us know when he's ready for things. Then again, I think sometimes I'm the one who needs to catch up with him.
> We had a bit of trouble at preschool, at the beginning, until he decided friends were more fun than Mom. Which he still most fervently believes.
>
> Is he ok once you're gone? After the first few weeks they told me he was fine once I was gone. I verified that with a bit of espionage (there were convenient windows from outside), and once I believed it, I got pretty comfortable with dropping him off and letting him scream, since I knew he'd soon be ok. And maybe not even want to leave when I picked him up. But it could well be different, because my son *really* likes playing with other kids.He does great after I leave. His teachers and the center director have all reassured me that the rough mornings only last a few minutes after I leave. I've watched through the windows and I call during the day. He can barely stand to stay on the phone with me when something exciting is going on. Today, in the middle of our conversation he said (yelled), "Maya's standing on a chair and she's going to jump!!! I have to go! Bye, Mom!" Oh my, I don't envy preschool teachers.
> That being said, there was a persistent problem when he was in preschool with him being too afraid to do things without a lot of support from his teachers. We brought him to a perfectly awful counselor, who had one brilliant bit of advice (among the less brilliant bits) that pretty much solved the problem for us. He told us that when my son asked for instructions to simply tell him that we trusted him to know what to do. Or to ask what he thought he should do. And that was it. Whatever was in his little mind that made him think he needed to ask was answered by that reply.
>
> So there might be something that your son is thinking, but is unable to articulate, that a counselor might be able to help you with.I'm really hoping this project helps him. And I'm wondering if I'll learn a few things in the process. Perhaps putting it together will be enough to help him identify his feelings during the drop off process and throughout the day.
> If worse comes to worst, there's always the thought that this is a time limited stage. Eventually he won't *want* to show so much emotion in front of his friends.
>
> Just keep in mind that you're a great mom. And your son is a terrific little boy. Learning things that you can do differently that might help doesn't mean you caused this problem. Although of course I think the same thing whenever my son is less than happy. :(Thanks, Dinah.
I'm trying to remember that I am neither the sole source of his happiness or unhappiness.
poster:All Done
thread:691549
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/child/20050817/msgs/695357.html