Posted by fallsfall on November 9, 2003, at 9:13:40
In reply to Re: Oh man/ fallsfall, posted by kara lynne on November 9, 2003, at 2:30:42
Kara,
It sort of sounds to me like she was having a bad couple of days. She forgot your appointment, and she said that "the energy had been thick ALL DAY". That means it wasn't just you. Maybe there was something going on in her personal life that was distracting for her. They are people, too. They try not to be distracted, but sometimes that is really not possible.
You said: "to have to confront her about such an embarassing lapse of conduct. I think it will make her uncomfortable, and she might deny it. "
They are supposed to be able to be open and honest about these things. One thing they try to teach us is that it IS OK to make mistakes and that it is OK to admit them and go on. The book I'm reading now (see link below) calls these "optimal failures" (see section V, http://www.selfpsychology.com/papers/wolf_1999.htm for a description of optimal failures). In essence, it means that there is a certain frustration/failure level that is tolerable by the client that leads to the development of a stronger self (Kohut says that these failures "lead to the establishment of internal structures"). So Kohut is saying that these frustration/failure incidents are actually what allows the patient to grow. (He also says that the therapist doesn't need to artificially construct these - that the therapist's imperfections will generate quite enough).
If she is good, and from what you have said I think she is, she will not just deny it, but will help you use the situation for your growth.
As I read more, I become more convinced that it is in the situations where we are uncomfortable talking to our therapists because our therapist IS the problem, when we really MUST talk to our therapist. This is the only situation I know of where you can be totally honest about the relationship and find out what is really going on. In a normal relationship you could NOT say "You forgot me and I am hurt" (well, I guess you could, but it would be uncomfortable for me). In a theraputic relationship that is what you are SUPPOSED to say.
You said in your first post: "But this is troubling me, and all the more troubling because she would be the person I would be talking about this kind of thing to, but it's about her so I can't."
My point is that it is incorrect to say that you "can't", because this is the time when you SHOULD talk to her.
This lunch on Monday is not about you and your counselor. It is about you and the professional woman. It is a chance to find out what you need to do, and what works about setting up your business. Your counselor is just part of the furnishings (along with the restaurant and table) that make the meeting possible. Try to take advantage of the opportunity on Monday.
(For those interested in Kohut's Psychology of the Self, I recommend "The Restoration of the Self". I find that the Psychology of the Self makes more sense to me than either the strict Freud stuff (somehow I can't believe that everything has to do with sex) or CBT (where you just wish things to be different and therefore they are different). I'm just getting started learning about this new viewpoint, but so far it seems to make more sense.)
poster:fallsfall
thread:277342
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031030/msgs/277878.html