Posted by vwoolf on November 27, 2004, at 6:39:21
In reply to Dilemma....PLEASE help, posted by shrinking violet on November 26, 2004, at 19:21:04
Gosh, I could have written this a few months ago. It feels amazing now that I can actually understand what is going on with you, at least I think so, because I went through exactly the same things. I also wrote to the Samaritans and then Babble on several occasions when I felt too threatened to talk to my T directly. But then I showed her the emails
SV, first of all, congratulations for having the courage to send that email to your T. It must have been very difficult and I am sure you’ve regretted it already, but it took a huge leap of faith to actually trust her enough to let her know what is going on. You’ve probably never trusted anyone enough to do that before. And now you’re expecting her to reject you. Because probably you’ve been rejected before, and you think she will repeat the pattern. At least that is what happened to me. My mother always rejected me when I was needy, and told me to stop being such a baby, to leave her in peace. And I expect everyone else to do the same, especially my T who sees just how needy I am.
But your T doesn’t seem to be rejecting you at all. She is actually telling you that she will keep calling all weekend to make sure you’re ok. She sounds as if she really cares a lot, and wants to stay close to you, because she understands how awful this must be for you. She sounds great, and really supportive. I know it is difficult for you to believe that, but she has read all the things you said to the Samaritans and she is not horrified. She doesn’t think you’re bad, or too needy or anything else. She can see your pain and wants to help. She wants to know if you need anything from her. Trust her. Let her mother you.
I know you are not hearing this too well - you are probably misunderstanding what she is trying to say when she calls. You are determined to hear rejection, and phone calls can be difficult because you can’t see the person and their concern. It will probably be really difficult to believe that she can care until you see her again at your next session, and only then, when she doesn’t throw you out, will you begin to believe that maybe this relationship is different. If she can see you more often, and you can afford to see her, do increase your sessions. I also find that I need more times a week to keep trusting, and although I feel quite dependent, I know I need the contact right now - it just feels right in some very small, hurt place, and I’ve decided to stop fighting that feeling.
I think SV that this is one of those really important points of therapy, but it takes a lot of courage to make changes. You’ve shown that you have the courage. It’s a huge first step, but you’ve already taken it. It stays hard for a long time - I’m several months further down the line and I’m still struggling - but you may begin to feel as if you are achieving something from here on. At least, from my perspective it looks as if you are. As if I am.
Take care over the next while. Ask your T to repeat herself if you feel she is saying anything that you feel is hurtful - you’ll see that it is just your expectation of being hurt. I’m sure she isn’t doing anything to push you away. But keep checking with her. I ask my T to say some things over and over until I am hearing what she really is saying, rather that what I expect her to say. Let yourself be soothed Be gentle to yourself.
A big hug.
VW
poster:vwoolf
thread:420644
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/420814.html