Posted by fallsfall on December 1, 2004, at 7:40:09
In reply to Re: Dilemma....PLEASE help » vwoolf, posted by shrinking violet on November 30, 2004, at 21:41:30
(((ShrinkingViolet)))
>I feel like, though, that I'm being told to not share how I really feel (suicidal thoughts, difficulty eating, etc) b/c then they have to react, and they react by putting more pressure on me or by kicking me out. It's rather ridiculous. And if the doc thinks I'm medically unstable, then they can throw me out. So the doc asks me questions like how i'm feeling, what are my symptoms, etc, and i'm afraid to be honest. My T asks about my thoughts or how I feel, and I'm afraid to be honest, so it's just really hard.
>I'm just not sure what I want right now, and the fears are outweighing everything else. How do you do something when you're so afraid of it?
You have an awful lot on your plate right now.
It sounds to me like there are two very important issues that you have to deal with before you can start to deal with the "rest" of the stuff. My experience is that it is *very* hard (impossible?) to make progress when you don't feel like you can be honest in therapy. I know too well the terror that says "I can't tell this" and the countering fear that "If I *don't* tell the truth that he won't be able to help me". I guess that at times like this, whether I can force the truth out of my mouth depends on whether I trust my therapist (or pdoc or whoever) to *really* work in *MY* best interest. This is tricky in itself, because it has a bunch of pieces: Does my therapist have sufficient skill to know what my best interest is? Does my therapist care enough to make a hard decision *because* it is in my best interest? Does my therapist care enough to protect me from *his* interests? And also: Can I force myself to accept that what he recommends *is* in my best interest even if it seems impossible to me to do? Can I rely on him to help me *do* the impossible? Do I know that he will understand that/why it is so hard for me? Do I feel free enough with him to discuss (argue) this recommendation until I can live with it?
These are SO hard to do, but it sounds like your therapist might have enough of your trust for you to forge through this with her. Could you see her more frequently until you are situated in the program? To have some help getting over the honesty and fear of eating issues?
It sounds like the program will be difficult (you dropped out twice in the past) unless you have sufficient support in the very beginning. It also sounds like the program itself does NOT provide that support for you (or you wouldn't have dropped out before).
So can you say "I know that I have to address the ED issues. Right now I'm not sure that I want to do this enough to succeed. I'm afraid to talk about this because I feel like when I talk about it the "punishment" gets worse - so talking about it makes things worse rather than helping it get easier for me because I have all this anxiety about making things worse. I need to know that I can say what is really true for me, and know that you will use that information to *help* me, rather than *punish* me. While I may know this intellectually right now, I certainly don't *feel* it. If I could feel like I could be sure enough that you would help me, then I could force myself to tell you the real truth (even though it would be incredibly anxiety/terror provoking for me). Only when I feel that talking to you is *SAFE*, will I be able to talk about the fears that keep me from eating. And the program is not likely to succeed until I can deal with those fears."
Gee, can you tell that I have had this very conversation with myself more than once? Does this echo what you are feeling? I guess, that what I hear you saying is that the ED program is not likely to succeed if you are *pushed* into it (too many fears, and the pushing just makes them worse because it takes away your control). I'm hoping that if you can feel *supported* rather than *pushed* that it might have a better chance of success.
I hear so clearly in your posts that you *WANT* to get to a place where your life is not terrifying for you. I want that for you, too.
(P.S. we can have a contest to see who can write the longest posts...)
poster:fallsfall
thread:420644
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/422701.html