Posted by Susan47 on March 4, 2005, at 10:28:13
In reply to Re: Losing Control » Susan47, posted by Toph on March 4, 2005, at 7:22:36
Thank you for loving me. (weak smile)
Well the other guy I think he represents the man who raped me initially. Well, actually, there were a couple of rapes by different men.
This gets complicated-sounding but it really isn't. I was just a doormat for men. Kind of what like Ag's doing to herself right now, only I started young you know? I didn't know how to be anything else. It's what I was taught psychically to be. So there were actually two different rapes and then a few attempted ones. They all left their impressions. And then there were the men I went out with because I felt sorry for them, not because I wanted them or they attracted me. But because I was afraid to hurt their feelings. Because I always felt I'd been responsible for my father's anger, his own hurt that he carried in life. I couldn't stand to see men hurting so I gave them what would make them feel better. And it was always me, but not me. So then when they realized I didn't make things better for them they "dumped" me and I went through agonies, not understanding how I'd tried to replay the relationship with my father.
So the rapes come up on top of that. That's where the man with the grease comes in. He wasn't attractive, he was unkempt, he represented all the things I don't like about those men in general, their brutishness and uncivil ways. And I didn't even realize he'd left grease on me, and in my ear, until well into the "chase". After waking up and thinking about the dream a couple of times I think now the grease might represent my inability to see the truth, how those men clouded my perceptions of reality.
Today, I feel hopeful, and I feel like healing might be possible.
poster:Susan47
thread:466321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050225/msgs/466422.html