Posted by Susan47 on March 6, 2005, at 11:28:29
In reply to Re: Losing Control » Susan47, posted by Dinah on March 4, 2005, at 18:35:02
I'm going to reply now to your post. I didn't earlier because it made me feel a bit angry. My ex-t and I'm going to refer to him now as C, because I can't say ex- anymore without feeling bereft and sad. C told me near the beginning of the therapeutic relationship, when I disclosed that I felt a need to be closer to him, to feel his presence when I needed comfort, that it was okay to sit in his outer office pretty much as needed. He did welcome me to do that, verbally. The kind man went so far as to tell me what his office hours were, and to explain that sometimes he counselled clients in their homes so he wouldn't always be there. He was so very very kind. I remember his voice, telling me those things. And what I did when he told me and made me feel welcome, is that even though the urge was strong still, very strong, I replaced the coming to his office mainly with phoning his answering machine. It was terrible. To the point that if he answered, I would ask if I could talk to the machine. And he would always allow that. He was so kind. He knew I was afraid of him. I loved him so very very much and I was so terribly afraid of him, because of my love. It was a replay of my relationship with my father, I really didn't realize that.
I don't feel guilty about going to his office. I've been four times in the last six weeks. And in the whole year I think I've been there less than a dozen times. He knows, and I specifically made sure he knew the last couple of times, and I told him once I went in and spent some time pruning his plants, making them spiffy. Once I went in and washed off his fake plant as well. It made me feel calm and happy to do something kind in return for all the kindness he's shown me. I would go in and clean his bathrooms and do all his housework if he'd let me. He's simply a wonderful person; when he wants to be. He's been cold lately, very very cold, I guess he wants me to move on. But I think something I did, I think the whole relationship we had, was hurtful to him, and I feel so incredibly sh*tty about that, I want to let go of that pain, that pain of lost opportunity, that here was a beautiful person I loved so very much and hurt and lost because I was acting out of old pain, I never knew the satisfaction of being truly known and accepted, and the pain is so great, so very very great. I can't even describe it, but other people here who've communicated with me, they know it and understand it. People who've been through hell as well.
I don't think he'd purposely hurt me. Some of the things he's done have hurt me, but I think he did them thinking they'd help me move on, and perhaps they have. Now I know I can never see him again, because he'll be cold and rejecting.. but I don't honestly think he would do anything to embarrass me, as you're suggesting, because I think he understands the essence of my pain, if not the pain itself. And I believe he's a compassionate person.
poster:Susan47
thread:466321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/467329.html