Posted by Dory on August 30, 2007, at 22:17:40
In reply to breach of self-ban - extreme distress **triggers**, posted by Dory on August 28, 2007, at 14:15:33
i'm too drained to write to everyone individually but each post meant something to me i promise.
my pdoc asked me what i was doing and i told him i had been drinking too much most every night and other things i shouldn't be doing, but i was unable to talk about it.. he knew though. He just asked me if it was "self abusive behaviours," and i said yes. i have a hard time using words about that stuff. i don't do what i used to do, i have found other ways.
i am wanting so badly to talk to my T about this... but i don't feel safe anymore. i don't feel it's ok. i want to "touch" the connection to reassure myself and it's not ok. i try so hard to be me there..to be authentic and not the projection i am for everyone else... i have to keep touching that connection to be sure i haven't done anything wrong... that by being myself i haven't screwed up.
i have been a mess since monday.
i need to call him.. but it's not ok
i need to tell him that it is *him* that i am upset about, but i can't.. i can't risk having him react in a negative way. THAT is one of my biggest problems...that i cannot process that very exact scenario.
i go over and over what i could say in a message... and i can't do it.
poster:Dory
thread:779336
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070822/msgs/779859.html