Posted by Dory on August 31, 2007, at 10:15:35
In reply to i left a message, posted by Dory on August 30, 2007, at 23:41:23
ok... i left him a rambling and pathetic message last night at about 2am my time... maybe earlier, i dunno.. it was late. i **know** he got it. By coincidence the receptionist called me just now and i asked if he was out for the day or what and she said he had already returned several of her messages to him so he had been checking his messages. (HA! makes me feel like i snooped and caught him..haha.)
OTOH, it ticks me off because he chose to leave me sitting it again for the weekend. Bas***d. The thing that does console me in an odd way is that i *know* that is what he is doing.. or at least i think i do. i am confused. He had said he would always return my call if i **asked** him to and i had asked him to.. ok now i am f'ked up.
see... i left him a message just now and asked him *not* to call me back. i didn't want to wonder anymore whether he would call. i wanted to find other things to do just like he said.. i made a little list of things like how he said he wasn't going anywhere and he wouldn't ditch me. i listened to previous phone messages. i still felt abandoned and like i had done something wrong before and so on, but i also felt like i was trying... i was trying to make a step..just like he had asked/hoped/expected.
So, i just called again... haha, f-k him, 3rd message in 12 hrs...d-mn straight, earn that $140/hr. ***This time i told him directly that i *knew* by accident that he had indeed checked his messages.*** i *know* he knows that i asked him to call... and he *knows* that he said that anytime i specifically asked him to call me he would.
i told him i was now even more confused. i need to know THAT rule hasn't changed too. i said i do not need or want to talk about any of the stuff from the previous message because i really want to stick to my list and try to make it through on my own. i know he'll be happy about that part. i told him i wanted him to call and i wanted him to stick to what he said about calling when i was definite about asking him to. (last weekend i had said something stupid and left it up to him) i told him i wanted him to tell me if he had changed this rule- which he had just literally and directly said on Monday. i told him that i thought it would be really damaging if he had indeed changed that rule... that i really wouldn't know what to expect from him or of him.
i am a little bit proud of myself for being so direct.. but it triggers my fear of making him angry so bad i want to throw up (and probably will). i will be devastated if he doesn't call now... even though i concretely know that if he is at the pain center today then he really, truly might not have time. i know not to expect calls after hours. It will leave me hanging in a bad way and i really hope he knows that and doesn't make that happen. So, at the end i told him i specifically want him to call me and tell me what the rule is.. gave my number. done.
somewhere out there surely i gathered enoug karma from helping poor howard (i named the pigeon). please tell me that little bit of compassion from me is enough to allow me a small portion of it too.
poster:Dory
thread:779336
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070822/msgs/779935.html