Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 20, 2011, at 12:23:49
In reply to Re: Close, posted by Dinah on May 19, 2011, at 7:57:58
Thanks, Dinah.
I actually think it would be more than just uncomfortable. It would be like a rape-- every secret that I have would exposed. Whatever there is of "me" would no longer be mine. And maybe worst of all, I am not so sure that what I say here wouldn't have far worse consequences for her. I think it might make her hurt herself.
I have tried to step back and allow myself to observe the dynamics around me. The way my mom takes control of my move-in to my new house, the way she interacts with me all of the time. I often feel like a possession that is more precious than anything else to her. She has been my best friend my entire life. You probably don't understand when I say that I have not had other close friends throughout life. Literally have not. I feel like now, I can't leave. I feel like I must get away and make my own life and yet, I feel guilty (not from her but from the situation) when I do go. I am actually not OK with knowing that she is home crying and worrying everyday.
I'm not sure who I'm supposed to listen too. People tell me that it is simple-- I am separate. Just leave and get away. But it is NOT that simple. I love my mom very much. She has sacrificed so much for me and has given me so much love and care and nurturing. I can't just walk away from her when she is in need-- I can't just turn and hurt her. That is what people say I need to do. I do need a life of my own. But that does not make it OK to hurt someone else.
And about the body, yes, I do notice sensations when extremely angry. I feel an orgasm-like movement that moves from it origin to reverberate throughout my entire body. I feel a nauseous feeling. This is accompanied by the thought of cutting flesh. I want to rip into something.
I am pretty f*ck*ng pissed right now. Dear f*ck*ng God.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:985601
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/985782.html