Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 20, 2011, at 14:12:59
In reply to Re: Close, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 20, 2011, at 12:23:49
Dinah, I am sorry if my last post seemed rude. I felt pissed when I wrote it and am afraid that it showed. I am just hurting so badly right now. Emptiness, anger, ache, restlessness, confusion, sadness, and loneliness. I just feel trapped here.
I confess that I don't like to hear about tools to use. When my therapist talks about tools, he might as well be speaking Greek, because I seriously don't know what the hell he is talking about. I don't understand. The mention of tools carries with it for me the most profound cognitive fog. I think I do use tools. With the rage and emptiness and ache, I go driving, listen to music, go running, go window-shopping, write on here, read a book, go to a coffeeshop, clean and organize. In all of this, I try to distract myself and make it through another day. Sometimes, especially in heated anger in interpersonal situations in the moment, I use my mindful breathing skills, and follow my breath. It does keep me from exploding.
But I feel like these tools are just other people's ways of getting rid of me, of making me shut up. Maybe that's why I hate it so badly when my therapist tells me to use them. I want to be heard, not silenced. I want to be helped on a deeper level. I think-- I hope-- he will help me on a deeper level--maybe he is trying to use the tools in order to make it possible for us to help me on a deeper level. But I often hear it when anyone suggests these tools(probably wrongly) as an effort to make me shut up and go away and as a dismissal of everything that I say. I hear someone say, "it's really not that bad". When I don't want to be alone, when I just want the presence of another, I hear it said that I should go be alone and things will be fine. I know I sound like a child, but I feel so ignored and rejected.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:985601
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/985785.html