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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 17, 2011, at 23:05:07
I feel so terribly lonely. It just aches. It has been a rough past week, but has also been a past week with its redeeming moments. Overall, up until today, I had been doing a bit better. I think I was doing better because I knew I had my phone session today. But it came and went per usual.
When he hung up, I felt despair.
I don't have words to express how it has felt the rest of the day. It is like an inarticulable scream that is trapped inside of me. I feel like I am drowning in my own words. There is a constant nausea that won't go away.
Sometimes I feel like I am an infinite castle in whose chambers I am trapped. I wander up the intricate winding staircases and through the narrow hallways, past the dark rooms and closed doors. But I am lost. Infinitely lost. As I realize this, I turn around to leave. But running in the opposite direction only gets me further lost inside of the maze.
I feel like I have been hushed in silence, condemned to this lonely hell for so long. There are things that I want to tell so many people-- things that have only existed as reverberating thoughts inside the passageways of my castle. There are things that I especially want to tell my therapist. I thought of them all as I drove to the church parking lot that overlooked the downtown of my small town where I would park my car as I had my phone session with my therapist. But when I heard him say hello and ask me how I was, it was back to the old routine, and I froze.
The session when downhill from there. I wanted to scream, cry, and cease to exist all at the same time.But...I wanted to tell him about so many things:
Here's my rough list-- it probably won't make sense to anyone else, but I scribbled it on a piece of paper as my reminder...some help it was. I didn't even look at it:
food-- empty
car
school-- graduation
time-- letting go
books
trappedThey were all full of things to talk about and problems and distress, and I wanted to talk about them, but failed. We talked a little about food and bingeing, but mostly I paralyzed and spun in circles. We talked about talking, as usual. Now I feel so sick.
I MUST make a change. This is going to kill me.
He tells me to surrender. He says it is my choice. But I don't know how. I keep thinking we could do something more. I could have him read something at the start of each session or I could read something to him each session.
I can communicate in writing much better than I can in speech. I think I have a motor-brain difficulty. Half of the time I speak fine and the other half, I literally physically struggle to speak. The words begin confused in my mind, kind of foggy. Then, when they try to come out, they get caught, come out all at once 100 miles/hour, and are jumbled and forced. But writing is usually more consistent and speaks forth my soul, my truth. Words always limit, but they gesture towards a release.
I don't know what to do with wasted time and the looming doom that I will likely waste so much more. I feel dread, despair, a tinge of suicidal pushes. Should I just begin the session by reading what I have here or the like? Or having him read it? Maybe that is forcing it.
I have to wait an entire week before the hell happens again. I am so f*ck*ng ready to give up.
Dear, dear, sweet God. Please have mercy.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 18, 2011, at 14:29:33
In reply to Hurting, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 17, 2011, at 23:05:07
I feel so f*ck*ng enraged. For no reason that I can tell, I just feel so angry. I don't know what to do to release this anger. I went for a drive in my car, blasted the music, and cussed out a lot of people out loud while alone. I feel rage and hatred towards my therapist, and even allow myself to feel this rage-- and I still don't know what to do.
I want to rip into my body, tear my skin to shreds, scratch, destroy. I want to destroy something, my body, myself, something.
It alternates a fine line between rage and depression-- I feel like I am teetering on this line. After my God awful session yesterday, the rest of the day was ruined. I went to my favorite coffee shop to read and relax-- I finished up a book that really made me feel inspired-- Chaim Potok's "The Chosen." Sometimes fiction helps me. I can enter into the story and my world fades as I enter into a newly created one. I can sometimes identify with the characters to the point that I feel like I am them, even after I am done reading. I could definitely identify with the characters in this book. One character, Danny, struggles with what it means to be his own self as he leaves the family, traditions, and identity of his childhood. Potok is a phenomenal writer and person. After I finished that book, I went to the bookstore and got a new book-- I have been needing to read Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" but think that I would have been better off with another Potok book, as Plath's book is depressing so far and not that inspiring. All of this helped a little, but last night I felt so enraged again.
I got home around 7, and my mom came home from work shortly thereafter. I felt like I needed to get out of the house, but felt guilty leaving my mom. My dad is always working until 1am, so when my mom gets home, she eats dinner, then goes to sit on the couch. Usually she watches tv for a while or reads and then falls asleep. It makes me want to scream. It seems so hopeless. I felt so hopeless. I felt so trapped. I think she is so trapped. So I came into my room later on an typed the first post.
I am well aware that supposedly, depression is often a result of repressed rage that has turned inward to the self. So much for being caused by f*ck*ng chemical imbalance-- such Americanized, Capitalism-driven b*llsh*t. I think the theory of repressed rage is correct. It is for me. There are roots to my problem, and I can discern them. My professor recommended a book to my by Alice Miller called "The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self." I bought that book today. I have already started it-- but while I can see her points, they don't seem that true in my case. Seriously, that all of my problems just go back to my relationship with my mom and my parents. I feel like this is devaluing and I partly reject it in its totality.
But last night was awful. I couldn't sleep well. I cried myself to sleep and my back hurt so bad. It still hurts, like a low, dull ache. I thought it was even my scoliosis flaring up bad again, but it is this depression ache, because I know it when it comes.
I dread tomorrow. My parents and I are driving to visit my grandfather in a rural part of the state about 2 1/2 hours away. We will spend the day there and the night. I love my grandfather and love to see him, but the thought of being cooped up there with my parents for nearly two days seems nearly intolerable right now. I have always had such feelings at my grandfather's house. I used to have some of my worst binges there. I would sneak into the kitchen and watch to make sure no one was coming. Then I would eat pieces of desserts, sometimes up to 3 or 4 different kinds at once. I would take handfuls of food to other rooms or outside and secretly eat very quickly. I would always gain weight there and get very sick after the binges, a feeling which only led to more binges. The gaping emptiness opens up when I go there.
The house, like my own house, feels empty and haunted by the echoes of former times and people. Haunted by my grandmother and her cooking and hugs. There are echoes and fragments everywhere. In my own house I am also haunted by the echoes and shadows. Sometimes I sense the presence of a little girl who is so full of life. She is different ages, sometimes older, sometimes younger, but mostly 4 or 5. She plays. And runs around. She loves her mom very much. And her dad and her brother. Life is exciting for her and is so full. It dances with colors and she lives a different kind of existence. But when I see her, I feel sad. So full of loss and grief and loneliness. She will find that one day too.
*Now, everything that I have written here. I want to tell my therapist this stuff. All of it. But I don't know how. This is all true. But I don't know how to tell sometime that I cried myself to sleep, that I want to rip into my body, that I feel haunted by these things. I don't know how to say these things without sounding stupid, without devaluing them. That's why I speak indirectly. The only way for me to tell him is to read it or have him read it. I am afraid that he will get bored, maybe that he will zone out, or even fall asleep. Worst, I am afraid that it is stupid. And not only would this be stupid, but so too would I be stupid.
I feel so alone.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 19, 2011, at 5:42:24
In reply to Angry, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 18, 2011, at 14:29:33
I must never go to psychobabble on my family's desktop computer again. I was home alone on the desktop this afternoon, and the computer froze, as it often does. I had been on psychobabble, and the screen disappeared. When I finally got the internet back up, my tabs were gone, so I assumed that all was fine. But later that night, my mom got onto the computer. I was lucky enough to have been passing through the room when she asked "what is psychobabble?" I felt absolute panic. I tried to act calm and quickly went to the computer and exited out of the screen.
She didn't see anything, but now I have this looming fear that she will go back and research. I am so terrified that she will find all of my secrets. So, posting even this is something of a risk to me, as I fear that it may be found. Sometimes I wonder if she has seen other things in my room-- I wonder how much she knows. I sent many emails to the Samaritans suicide email line over Christmas holidays and feel like she might have seen the ones I had printed off in my room. I wonder if she has seen my journals. I even wonder if she would go through my stuff or not. I don't know. Part of me feels terrible that I would even assume that she would do this; if I am wrong, what an awful thing to accuse someone of doing. Yet, I know she has gone through my brother's stuff-- she fears that he has been dating a woman more than 20 years older than him, and she fears his involvement with hate groups. I fear the latter too and have considered going through my brother's room, drawers, and papers when I am alone at home one day. I also want to know. I fear to know, but I want to know.
I feel afraid sometimes. I couldn't sleep much last night-- it was a restless feeling that gnawed at me inside. Like my mind was spinning out of control in a riddle that didn't make sense-- despair over my therapist, my forced silence, my prison. I could only sleep 4 hours. But I went to the kitchen at 3am and had a strange feeling. It was a feeling of realizing that I am alive. Sometimes this feeling comes-- knowing that I am alive and how strange it is to be alive, to exist. And then I feel terrified-- something about this existence is absolutely terrifying. There is a constant incomprehensibility, a constant threat, a constant terror of death. I feel pushed up against something that I do not know or understand.
I feel so exhausted. I hope my mom didn't find this. I worry that she has and will...and then what will happen, only God knows.
Posted by Dinah on May 19, 2011, at 7:57:58
In reply to Close, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 19, 2011, at 5:42:24
What could happen?
Admittedly, it would be very embarrassing. I think I too would be careful about computer use and printed out emails. It's better to avoid embarrassment if possible.
But what would happen if she did find them? You are an adult. She can't control you any more than you could control your brother.
Are you maybe losing sight of the boundaries? You are you. Your family is your family. They can't engulf you if you don't let them. Step back, visualize the walls, recognize that you can't control your family any more than they can control you.
I'm not sure if you recognize how often you phrase your reactions in extremes? Maybe some reframing would help? Thinking in terms of this being very uncomfortable and something you'd rather avoid rather than something life shattering? Maybe think about what *would* happen if the worst you can imagine came about. And in concrete realistic terms. Because realistically speaking, what can she do other than cry and worry? If she cries and worries, how will that really effect your day to day life? You don't live at home.
It might be a good time to practice some DBT as well. Watch your feelings go by as leaves on a stream. They exist, you acknowledge them, and you observe them. You don't get swept away with them. Just watch them, acknowledge them. They are very uncomfortable aren't they? Where in your body do you feel them? Can you isolate the feelings in your body? I often find my reactions very interesting. It almost feels like an electrical charge running along my skin. How does yours feel? In concrete terms? What physical changes do you think are happening? Is your adrenaline rising?
And... you might want to avoid reading Sylvia Plath.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 20, 2011, at 12:23:49
In reply to Re: Close, posted by Dinah on May 19, 2011, at 7:57:58
Thanks, Dinah.
I actually think it would be more than just uncomfortable. It would be like a rape-- every secret that I have would exposed. Whatever there is of "me" would no longer be mine. And maybe worst of all, I am not so sure that what I say here wouldn't have far worse consequences for her. I think it might make her hurt herself.
I have tried to step back and allow myself to observe the dynamics around me. The way my mom takes control of my move-in to my new house, the way she interacts with me all of the time. I often feel like a possession that is more precious than anything else to her. She has been my best friend my entire life. You probably don't understand when I say that I have not had other close friends throughout life. Literally have not. I feel like now, I can't leave. I feel like I must get away and make my own life and yet, I feel guilty (not from her but from the situation) when I do go. I am actually not OK with knowing that she is home crying and worrying everyday.
I'm not sure who I'm supposed to listen too. People tell me that it is simple-- I am separate. Just leave and get away. But it is NOT that simple. I love my mom very much. She has sacrificed so much for me and has given me so much love and care and nurturing. I can't just walk away from her when she is in need-- I can't just turn and hurt her. That is what people say I need to do. I do need a life of my own. But that does not make it OK to hurt someone else.
And about the body, yes, I do notice sensations when extremely angry. I feel an orgasm-like movement that moves from it origin to reverberate throughout my entire body. I feel a nauseous feeling. This is accompanied by the thought of cutting flesh. I want to rip into something.
I am pretty f*ck*ng pissed right now. Dear f*ck*ng God.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 20, 2011, at 14:12:59
In reply to Re: Close, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 20, 2011, at 12:23:49
Dinah, I am sorry if my last post seemed rude. I felt pissed when I wrote it and am afraid that it showed. I am just hurting so badly right now. Emptiness, anger, ache, restlessness, confusion, sadness, and loneliness. I just feel trapped here.
I confess that I don't like to hear about tools to use. When my therapist talks about tools, he might as well be speaking Greek, because I seriously don't know what the hell he is talking about. I don't understand. The mention of tools carries with it for me the most profound cognitive fog. I think I do use tools. With the rage and emptiness and ache, I go driving, listen to music, go running, go window-shopping, write on here, read a book, go to a coffeeshop, clean and organize. In all of this, I try to distract myself and make it through another day. Sometimes, especially in heated anger in interpersonal situations in the moment, I use my mindful breathing skills, and follow my breath. It does keep me from exploding.
But I feel like these tools are just other people's ways of getting rid of me, of making me shut up. Maybe that's why I hate it so badly when my therapist tells me to use them. I want to be heard, not silenced. I want to be helped on a deeper level. I think-- I hope-- he will help me on a deeper level--maybe he is trying to use the tools in order to make it possible for us to help me on a deeper level. But I often hear it when anyone suggests these tools(probably wrongly) as an effort to make me shut up and go away and as a dismissal of everything that I say. I hear someone say, "it's really not that bad". When I don't want to be alone, when I just want the presence of another, I hear it said that I should go be alone and things will be fine. I know I sound like a child, but I feel so ignored and rejected.
Posted by Dinah on May 20, 2011, at 17:52:24
In reply to Sorry » Annabelle Smith, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 20, 2011, at 14:12:59
Fair enough. :)
You have the right to continue on precisely as you are.
I hear how badly you're feeling, and hope you feel better soon.
(P.S. If your mother really is crying because you're off living your life, that really isn't your fault or your responsibility.)
Posted by antigua3 on May 21, 2011, at 18:19:48
In reply to Hurting, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 17, 2011, at 23:05:07
I know it hurts.
1. Write him letters. Pour it all out on paper and send it to him before your session. You may not even end up discussing it at your next session, but you will have let him know how you feel. I have never been charged for reading letters, but if you are, it is still to your advantage to have him know what you are thinking. As much as we would like, they can't read our minds.
2. Surrender. I can't remember where you posted this, but this same suggestion was made to me. At first I was really offended, but surrendering doesn't mean I give up, it means I'm willing to trust his way and willing to give it a shot, always reserving the right to change my mind. Giving in and TRUSTING is not easy,but they can't help unless we give them a chance.
3. I am a mother. I would do anything in this world to protect my children from pain and hurt, including invading their privacy, but it would never, ever make me think less of them.
4. Give your mother a chance. My kids think I live through them, but I don't. I have a life of my own that I hope to truly pursue when they are off to college. Do I live through them? I don't think so. While I appreciate their accomplishments and I am very proud of them,it's their life. Maybe your mother is the same way; maybe not. But don't be afraid of going off to live your own life.
best wishes,
antigua
Posted by pegasus on May 23, 2011, at 9:32:35
In reply to Sorry » Annabelle Smith, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 20, 2011, at 14:12:59
I feel this way too, when people suggest things that would get me out of intense negative feelings. I've never done DBT, but I've done CBT, and I hated it, for exactly this reason. OK, yeah, I can examine my cognitive distortions, and give myself reasonable alternative thoughts, but then that's like saying my experience is totally not valid. What I want more than anything at those times is to be seen, and accepted. Maybe eventually CBT/DBT skills can be helpful, but for me I always needed to have my desperate, intense feelings acknowledged first. Then, when I felt heard and valued, I would be more willing to use the skills to help myself get out of the downward spiral.
I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in these feelings.
- p
Posted by Lamdage on June 14, 2011, at 15:58:48
In reply to Angry, posted by Annabelle Smith on May 18, 2011, at 14:29:33
Alice Miller is what i recommended in your first thread;) I feel extra smart today.
No seriously.. im almost done with her book "Free From Lies" and since i liked it from the start, Banished Knowledge, The Drama.. and The truth will set you free are on my shelf already.
You say you feel rage and hatred towards your therapist.. i warned you already in the first fred, it seems very strange to me that he encourages you to do something that he calls "surrender". Therapy should not be about defeat or surrender. This is a major red flag to me.
I bet your therapist tries to talk you out of your strong resentful emotions toward your mother.. if not overtly then covertly. Those people are literally everywhere. While talking helps a great deal, talking with the wrong people can be just as destructive.
Alice Miller will be a good read for you! I think that despite all the resentment it may arouse in you you will gain insight and feel more hopeful about all this.
Hold onto these feelings as overwhelming as they may seem. They can be your guideI hope you will soon find someone to talk to, someone who values your views and feelings, basically who values you for the wonderful person you are! Do not listen to anyone telling you different. I am glad you feel rage and hatred towards this.
Posted by Lamdage on June 14, 2011, at 16:00:14
In reply to Re: Close, posted by Dinah on May 19, 2011, at 7:57:58
Can you move out if you want to? i mean financially?
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2011, at 18:44:15
In reply to Re: Angry, posted by Lamdage on June 14, 2011, at 15:58:48
Defeat and surrender don't have to be the same thing. Surrendering in spiritual terms can mean trusting enough to lower your defenses and immerse yourself in something larger. God or love or passion or the therapy process, in this particular case.
It doesn't have to be a bad thing. If the trust is justified, it can be a beautiful thing.
It's not something I'm particularly good at, mind you. But I can see the positives involved.
Posted by Lamdage on June 14, 2011, at 23:52:16
In reply to Re: Angry » Lamdage, posted by Dinah on June 14, 2011, at 18:44:15
Ok.. got it. Still i am concerned. These feelings she described toward her T.
Those feelings come from somewhere. And she has to learn to trust her own perceptions/feelings.
Trusting/being honest with the wrong people = severe hurt. If he is wrong or not, only Annabelle can know.> Defeat and surrender don't have to be the same thing. Surrendering in spiritual terms can mean trusting enough to lower your defenses and immerse yourself in something larger. God or love or passion or the therapy process, in this particular case.
>
> It doesn't have to be a bad thing. If the trust is justified, it can be a beautiful thing.
>
> It's not something I'm particularly good at, mind you. But I can see the positives involved.
Posted by Dinah on June 15, 2011, at 8:16:28
In reply to Re: Angry, posted by Lamdage on June 14, 2011, at 23:52:16
It's true enough that no one outside the therapy room can really understand what's going on inside. I don't think Annabelle's posts as a whole are negative or untrusting towards her therapist.
And certain types of therapy work, in part, by providing very little information about the therapist as a person and examining the impressions and conclusions the client comes to with limited information.
It's like Dr. Bob. None of us really know Dr. Bob, he provides a very blank slate - more blank than most therapists could dream of providing. The way posters perceive him, or view the intentions behind his actions, has as much to do with the poster as it has to do with Dr. Bob. In a therapeutic setting, those perceptions can provide the heart of therapy. Revealing how the client views the world in a more direct way than mere retelling of what goes on in the outside world. It provides context to the therapist in the way the client's reporting on external matters can't quite do.
That, of course, is applicable in certain types of therapy and with a skilled therapist. Trust in the process can be dangerous if the therapist is unskilled, unscrupulous, insensitive, or damaged himself.
Posted by Lamdage on June 15, 2011, at 9:42:11
In reply to Re: Angry » Lamdage, posted by Dinah on June 15, 2011, at 8:16:28
I agree with you.. its not for us to decide. Its just my impression.
One thing i am sure of is that what Alice Miller is voicing is what many of us have been aching to hear and what will bring major insight especially in this kind of situation. I loved to listen to staind and aarons accoustic music in times like this, too. And still do. Folks like that are whats needed and i hope i will come to know many more of this kind.I must say i am concerned over what ive read. We cannot keep losing so many of the best people to self destruction. Hang in there please!
Posted by Lamdage on June 15, 2011, at 9:44:11
In reply to Re: Angry » Lamdage, posted by Dinah on June 15, 2011, at 8:16:28
Btw. i DID NOT accuse her of being untrustworthy. If it came off like that i am very sorry its almost the opposite of what i meant.
What i meant is that something might be wrong with the T!!
Posted by Lamdage on June 15, 2011, at 9:57:25
In reply to Re: Angry, posted by Lamdage on June 15, 2011, at 9:44:11
..
This is the end of the thread.
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