Posted by raisinb on September 5, 2008, at 10:13:58
In reply to Maternal transference (oh so long post), posted by onceupon on September 4, 2008, at 14:20:06
Oh, how this resonates with me! A few months after I started seeing mine, I'd have fantasies of just being held for my entire session. Intense ones that I couldn't stop. It is very painful, and yes, it feels like something you *shouldn't* feel as an adult. I found it much easier to talk about sexual transference than this, which just seemed out of bounds, totally inappropriate. I worried I'd repulse her, make her uncomfortable, ruin our relationship. Which added a whole other level of pain to the already painful feelings of needing to be mothered.
I'd never have brought it up with my therapist unless her pregnancy had brought it to a crisis point. I should've known--she was just as sympathetic and concerned as she's always been. We haven't talked about it again, but I feel so much better now that she knows. It's possible this was my most shameful secret I kept from her.
So, in the first place, you're not alone. Second, when you're so ashamed of your feelings, it's easy to be absolutely convinced that others feel the same way. But try to have faith that your therapist does not. Dropping the discussion could be for a variety of reason, possibly including a) she senses what you're struggling with, but worries you, or the relationship, aren't ready to deal with such painful material, and she wants to get the two of you to a more solid place before going there, b) she senses your discomfort and does not want to push you, c) she's clueless and simply thinking about something else at the moment.
Sometimes I felt I was walking around with a sign saying, "I want you to be my mommy! Can I climb into your lap?" But in reality, I was very good at hiding it. And I bet you are too. You might be overcompensating, acting highly independent, even standoffish, just because you're trying to offset those feelings. And therapists aren't psychic (even though it might be nice if they were).
Your therapist has probably dealt with this stuff before. And if she truly is made uncomfortable by it, she's not the one for you to work it through with. But I doubt that's the case, honestly. Try to keep talking about it, if you can. The most painful things are often absolutely the most important.
poster:raisinb
thread:850326
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080826/msgs/850474.html