Posted by onceupon on September 6, 2008, at 12:55:13
In reply to Transference Confessions: The Saga » onceupon, posted by Tamar on September 5, 2008, at 11:05:48
> Argh! You caught me! Yes, I was avoiding mentioning that part.
:)
>OK, well bear in mind that it's a *very* different topic and I'm in therapy with a man... I stupidly developed an intense erotic transference. I needed to talk about it but I was so embarrassed. I said things like "I'll miss you" and "I like you" and "Sometimes I think I want you to rescue me". I hoped he would reply by asking me to talk more about my feelings for him. But he didn't. In fact he always changed the subject.
First of all, I can't imagine that it was stupidity that drove you towards developing the erotic transference :) And second, your description of how you brought up the topic and hope that he would ask for more REALLY rings a bell for me. I'm not the best at stating things directly, in any area of my life, and in this circumstance, it sometimes feels impossible. I'm sorry he always changed the subject. That sounds really painful.
> At first I was just confused. Then I thought it was something to do with his theoretical orientation (like in CBT the relationship is often de-emphasised). We did start talking about the relationship eventually, but he still seemed to avoid any intense feelings I expressed. So I thought he must find me repulsive and disgusting. After a very long time, and during a conversation in which he was apologising for forgetting to be at a previous appointment, I said it was confusing because I have feelings of anger for him but also feelings of love. He said nothing at all. His expression didn't even change. Then he changed the subject. I went home and did something very bad.Oh my. What an awful experience. I understand the leap to thinking that your therapist must find you repulsive. Been there, done that. It's so damned hard to have an accurate picture of what the therapist is thinking/feeling, because IME, a) they don't seem to ever talk very directly about it, b) having very clear hopes of what I *want* her to be thinking/feeling often clouds what I see, because I tend to see the opposite of what I hope and c) the name of the transference game is seeing things in a distorted way (usually). Not sure if that made sense, but essentially, ouch. How could he say nothing at all?! I think I would have crawled under the couch at that point, or fled.
> He didn't mention it again. And I was determined not to, but I really needed to. So six months later I was talking about finding therapy very difficult, and wanting to quit, and I said I couldn't quit because I love him. He responded by saying nothing and then changing the subject again.OMG.
> I was astonished, hurt and very confused. The next week he did address it, but he asked lots of questions about my "perception of the specialness of the relationship" instead of asking about my feelings. I think he wanted to test me to find out whether I thought he had been seductive. Since I knew the correct answers, it was a bit pointless, and not very helpful.
Argh. You used the word "love" and he couldn't use it back (to describe your feelings). If it had been me, I would have wanted to punch him, but what I would have done would be to beat up on myself.
> We skirted around the subject for a few months, and I kept asking him to decide whether he could deal with it or whether he couldn't. He never really replied to that, but eventually, more than a year after I'd first told him, he said he thought things would be OK. That was the first response he'd given me that didn't make me want to destroy myself. It wasn't the sensitive response I'd hoped for at the beginning. It didn't give me much sense of security. But at least he seemed to have accepted my feelings and found a way to work with this material.I'm impressed by your strength and persistence at fighting to discuss this. His ongoing insensitivity/blindness/ignorance/not sure what makes me wonder whether he wasn't also attracted to you and, rather than being unable to tolerate your feelings, he was unable to tolerate his own.
> So I've been going very, very slowly. At the moment I'm waiting for him to be comfortable using the word 'love' to describe my feelings (instead of referring to my 'intense feelings' or my 'dependency'). Some time before we both die, I might even tell him about the erotic aspect of it!
I'm sorry that it's taking him so long to feel comfortable with the word 'love.' Has he ever said 'love?' Because, wow, love and 'intense feelings' or worse, 'dependency' are totally different.
> Sorry... I've been wanting to tell the story for a while. So it got very long. Thanks for reading all this stuff.I'm so glad that you shared it. And sorry that it's been such an intense and likely painful journey for you. Anything to decrease the isolation that I (and it seems others) feel around this topic seems like a good thing.
> But I'm certain that talking about maternal transference with a female therapist is not in the same category as my experience, and your therapist will not do what mine did. And there is at least a sort-of happy ending to my story, because we're still working well together and I'm still making progress. It's really amazing that therapeutic relationships can be so complicated and yet still be productive!
It is amazing, isn't it? Strange sometimes too, but that's another story!
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poster:onceupon
thread:850326
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/850650.html