Posted by onceupon on September 6, 2008, at 12:41:30
In reply to Re: Maternal transference (oh so long post) » onceupon, posted by raisinb on September 5, 2008, at 10:13:58
> Oh, how this resonates with me! A few months after I started seeing mine, I'd have fantasies of just being held for my entire session. Intense ones that I couldn't stop.
Sometimes this feels like the hardest part - not being able to stop it. Feeling compelled.
>It is very painful, and yes, it feels like something you *shouldn't* feel as an adult. I found it much easier to talk about sexual transference than this, which just seemed out of bounds, totally inappropriate.
I'm amazed you were able to talk about this!
>I worried I'd repulse her, make her uncomfortable, ruin our relationship. Which added a whole other level of pain to the already painful feelings of needing to be mothered.
Yeah, you're right. Worrying about the effects of my needs on others has always added extra pain to the mix. Even though others have told me it's OK to have needs, everyone has them, it's still hard for me to absorb that that includes *me*
> I'd never have brought it up with my therapist unless her pregnancy had brought it to a crisis point. I should've known--she was just as sympathetic and concerned as she's always been. We haven't talked about it again, but I feel so much better now that she knows. It's possible this was my most shameful secret I kept from her.My therapist was pregnant too, just as I was leaving therapy the first time. She told me in what was planned as our second to last session. It was excruciating to hear, not only from the standpoint of having to imagine her as a new mother, but also because I was aching to have children at that point too. Shame is a funny thing, isn't it? What might seem innocuous to an outsider can feel overwhelmingly threatening on the inside.
> So, in the first place, you're not alone. Second, when you're so ashamed of your feelings, it's easy to be absolutely convinced that others feel the same way. But try to have faith that your therapist does not. Dropping the discussion could be for a variety of reason, possibly including a) she senses what you're struggling with, but worries you, or the relationship, aren't ready to deal with such painful material, and she wants to get the two of you to a more solid place before going there, b) she senses your discomfort and does not want to push you, c) she's clueless and simply thinking about something else at the moment.I know I project a lot of feelings onto others. I can be so convincing to myself in arguing that others feel the same as I do :) Thanks for offering some alternate possibilities for her dropping the topic (or appearing to). I think option b is probably the most accurate - she has never really pushed me, and reiterates from time to time that it's important to take things at my own pace. Maybe it's time for me to pick up the pace a little.
> Sometimes I felt I was walking around with a sign saying, "I want you to be my mommy! Can I climb into your lap?" But in reality, I was very good at hiding it. And I bet you are too. You might be overcompensating, acting highly independent, even standoffish, just because you're trying to offset those feelings. And therapists aren't psychic (even though it might be nice if they were).
I feel like I wear that sign too :) And yeah, I also try like hell to hide it. The overcompensating thing really resonated with me. One of the things that we've discussed multiple times in the past is the balance between independence and interdependence. Growing up, I felt like totally and complete self-reliance was the only way to survive. But then I was left with the echoes of wanting the appropriate dependence that I never got.
> Your therapist has probably dealt with this stuff before. And if she truly is made uncomfortable by it, she's not the one for you to work it through with. But I doubt that's the case, honestly. Try to keep talking about it, if you can. The most painful things are often absolutely the most important.
Yeah, I don't think she would be made uncomfortable by any of it, but I do wonder whether she has had training in dealing with it. Guess there's only one way to find out! Thanks for your input and support - I really appreciate hearing alternate perspectives.
poster:onceupon
thread:850326
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/850648.html