Posted by 10derheart on November 13, 2004, at 0:55:06
In reply to T's address, posted by littleone on November 11, 2004, at 15:42:19
Littleone,
I think I do understand many of your feelings in this situation. I also think it's unlikely you will *stalk* him, even if you give in to your impulses. Many times with these strong urges, we'll go to a certain point that seems to ease our anxiety, but then we stop. You are not weird or unusual either, at least according to my T.
My story is that earlier this year I did give in to this this impulse and drive by my T's house several times a week. Usually at night, but if I was really agitated, in the day as well. I was always afraid of being seen, but luckily his house was positioned in such a way you could see from a distance what cars were there, if anyone was outside, etc., and turn discreetly around if need be. I think I just wanted to reconnect by seeing his car parked where it was supposed to be. Even the lights in the windows calmed me, knowing he and his wife were likely home together late some nights, which to me meant my world was right and safe, and I could go on another day between sessions. This went on for at least 6 -7 months. It even gets worse. I also used to park across from the clinic where he worked and watch him walk to his car. I did that about 2 times a month for 4-5 months.
I both needed and hated doing this. I loved it because it released tension and allowed peace of mind. It became a ritual that was so comforting. But, I suffered from guilt and confusion, and thought I was almost a stalker, and very weak as I couldn't stop this compulsion.
Eventually, I couldn't stand the feeling I was hiding something really significant we should talk about. I knew I'd never be able to say it without crawling under my T's furniture from humiliation. So, I wrote him a letter and told him exactly what I'd been doing. My T. (former now-he moved away in July :( ) was great about it, and as another poster said, definitely normalized it for me. It ended up being a large weight off my shoulders and in fact, led up to the best session I'd ever had with him, a memory I treasure to this day. It had a lot to do with trusting him with something I'd built up into a huge secret that had me seeing myself as twisted, weird and sicker than I already was, and having him respond with calm understanding.
It was a significant step in our relationship. He even seemed sort of strangely pleased I was needing him a lot and especially that I had told him. I remember him saying that I seemed to be thinkng of my peers (I'm 45, female, single mom) and that since none of them were doing anything like this, that point of view was ending up with me feeling ashamed. Then he paused and said, "But tell me some things a small child might do sometimes when they are worried or afraid?" I told him, cling onto a blanket, suck their thumb, or maybe check on a parents' closeness and try to cling to them. He just smiled at me and told me when you look at it through younger eyes, it's perfectly normal, expected behavior to soothe yourself this way. It was a gentle response that just about erased all my awkwardness, and fear that he wouldn't trust me any more. He also simply didn't make it a big deal of my *confession* at all, which really helped.
After our talk, the impulse to do it was less. I did it a few more times, but the urgency just wasn't there. I guess I could hold the idea of him being there in my mind/heart better without physically checking his house. I think most T's would respond in a similar way, assuming you have a good, open relationship to begin with.
I do agree with everyone who says try to resist, because it can lead to a new problem and a layer of anxiety maybe you'd rather not have to cope with. But, it's clearly a powerful urge for some of us, so you might give in. If you do, please know you're not alone and you probably are acting out of that child's fear and longing for the security and comfort of seeing your T. more often. I'm sure you'll get through it fine, no matter what you do. Please don't be too hard on yourself, in any case. :) 10derheart
poster:10derheart
thread:414649
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041104/msgs/415315.html