Posted by daisym on July 8, 2005, at 11:03:24
In reply to Need help figuring out feelings..... please?, posted by LittleGirlLost on July 8, 2005, at 10:07:43
LGL ---
You've clearly written so many things that I was feeling the past two weeks. I think we work so hard to let our therapist become part of our inner lives, we share so much, that it does feel dangerous when they are out of sight. It is the youngest, most vulnerable parts saying, "hey, what about me?!" There is an explanation offered by self-psychologists that basically (simplistically put here) suggests that when we "do" deep therapy work, we strip away the false constructs of our self and begin to look for our authentic core. But the process of doing that is very painful, because you have to sort out what is real and what is part of your fake front, or emotional armor. Once you've broken down things, you need to rebuild your core and then your constructs. But you can't walk around without any core self, so we "borrow" our therapist's core, their strength and we soak up reassurance that they will keep us together until we can keep ourselves together. It feels horrible to be so fragmented as we work through this process.
Since you are in the middle (for lack of a better word) having your therapist leave (and take her stabalizing core with her) DOES feel dangerous and painful. I think it makes us wonder how long we can hold ourselves together without more therapist glue and we feel shakier and shakier. And then we worry.
Don't get me wrong. I think we also worry because we feel genuine affection and love for them. But we love other people and we don't feel like it is nearly a life and death issue when they go away for a little while. This has absolutely nothing to do with being rational. It is a self-core issue, feeling like a big part of you went missing...and essentially it did.
I think you were very brave to call her backup therapist. And I'm glad he was honest with you. I think she should have told you where she was going if she said she would, even if she knew you would worry that it was far away. It is my experience that our imaginations are so much more damaging than the truth. So your anger is justified. The sadness is probably a mix of missing her and having her "real life" so in your face. When you bump up against those boundaries, you do feel bruised.
It sounds like you have a lot to talk about. When do you see her again? Keep posting if it helps. I can really sympathize with your feelings. But if you think about it, at least you found out that her backup is someone nice and easy to talk to, should you need to call again.
Hang in there.
Daisy(Hey, and Ca is not THAT far away...)
poster:daisym
thread:524903
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/524922.html