Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 8, 2005, at 10:07:43
Hello,
I really need help figuring out what I am feeling.
A few months ago, T told me she would be on vacation the first week in July. (Background on how we deal with vacations) In the past, she would never tell me where she was going; and I was always too afraid to ask. However, last time she went away, I asked and she told me - Just the state and I didn't question more specifically, it was good enough for me. Anyway... So a few months ago when she told me about this trip, I asked her where she was going. She paused, then said that she would tell me if I told her all of my feelings about it. So we talked about my feelings, the session ended, and I walked out without an answer! I was afraid to ask again, but wanted an answer.... At the next session, I brought it up! (Yay me!) I told her that she said she would tell me, and she didn't. She apologized and said she was glad I brought it up again. So she asked, "where do you think I might be going?" Ugh! How do I even answer that! So I said, Florida? No. California? No. I think at that point, I figured nothing was further away than California, so I was safe! (We live on the east coast.) Somehow that led me to talk about distance. I remember telling her that I thought I would worry more if she was far away as opposed to staying somewhat local. We did talk about that, but I also remember saying that I would worry regardless. Needless to say, that session ended and I still did not know where she was going! At this point, because I said I also worry (probably more) about distance, and the fact that she still didn't tell me even though she said she would, I was convinced she was going to Europe. I never brought it up again.
So I saw her last week, and decided not to ask again. I hate asking questions to begin with. I saw her on Thursday and asked when she was leaving. She said Tuesday and coming home late Sunday. (I thought for a second that that didn't seem long enough to go to Europe now, so I was somewhat relieved.) I was glad she wasn't leaving till Tuesday because that gave me a chance to call her after seeing her on Thursday. (I usually do call.)
I've been doing okay for the most part. Really trying to remind myself that she deserves a vacation, doesn't go away much, and has never missed a session for any other reason. However, after hearing the news about London yesterday, I panicked! What if she's there? See, this is why I like to know! I was in a complete panic, convincing myself more and more that she was there. I didn't know what to do now, or how to get reassurance. Then I remembered.... She didn't give me the name of anyone covering for her this time, but last year she did. Of course I kept his number! I was afraid to call, but I really had to know. So I called him. I felt weird. I told him who I was and that I was worried because I didn't ask where she was going, I feared she might have gone to London. He was so nice, and totally understood my feelings. Without a moment's hesitation, he told me she went to Germany. We talked for a minute and I said that I worry about her week to week, and moreso when she goes away, and especially after hearing the news. He totally validated my feelings and said it was normal when someone is such an important part of my life. I forget what else he said, but he was really nice! I was worried because I didn't think I'd feel comfortable talking to a man!
Oh I'm sorry this is so long!
Now for the confused feelings part.
I can't get clear on what I felt after I hung up with him. Sure I was relieved, but I was moreso sad, and angry! I don't really understand why though! I should be relieved she isn't in London, and happy that hopefully she is enjoying herself. So where does the sadness and anger come in? Maybe that she left to begin with. But I guess I felt jealous(?) that he knew where she was but I didn't? Why he told me and she didn't. Who knows, maybe I'm even jealous of the people who went with her! This doesn't even sound rational, but why would she leave when it's so dangerous! What if she got hurt? Is it not safe to like someone? (I never thought so anyway.) Ugh! I'm confused about my feelings! I need help, clarification, anything. Please!I had no idea this would get so long, sorry!
lgl
poster:LittleGirlLost
thread:524903
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/524903.html