Posted by LittleGirlLost on July 11, 2005, at 15:19:33
In reply to Re: Need help figuring out feelings..... please?, posted by daisym on July 9, 2005, at 14:21:03
> When I feel this way, I bounce between intense embarrassment and intense longing to stop struggling, and call him.
Same here. I try to ride it out too; I never really know what to do i.e. call right away, or try and wait. My therapist tells me I needn't torture myself like that and I should just call when I feel like it. Ugghh... I wish it were that easy!
> I know the historical reasons it is scary to get so attached to anyone. Intellectally I can tell myself they don't apply here. But this doesn't really help, does it? I wish I knew what the right answer was/is. Is the way through this to MAKE yourself sit with the feelings and then they will go away? Does admitting them and giving in to them make them worse? How exactly does one work through this stuff? I've tried to let myself move toward reaching out and sharing this fear and hurt more. It didn't seem to make it better. Of course, I want everything to happen quickly, like right now!
(((Daisy))) I know what you mean, and I feel the same way. I have the same questions as you, but unfortunately, no answers here either. :(
> I was surprised that you wrote that you can't cry with your therapist. You seem so attached and comfortable with her. Is crying hard for you in general? When I was young tears were really against the rules. I would spend a great deal of energy fighting them off in therapy, retreating into silence.
Really? It's weird, right? I mean, intellectually I know it is. No, I cannot cry with her... or with anyone really. I have great difficulty crying in general, alone even. Yes, they were not allowed when I was growing up; or they made things worse. Also, I'm embarrassed. I guess it "helps" that I'm so disconnected from my feelings also. Don't know how healthy that help is though. <g>
> But my therapist helped me a lot with this, he would say, "isn't it OK to cry here?" and my response was usually, "it is against the rules and not productive." His response was "the rules are different here, you need to cry and I want to see your tears." I needed this overt permission. I still fall back into fighting them off, often out of frustration, but I allow them more now.
That's cool. I'm glad you are able to open up like that. How long did it take you?
>Maybe you can talk about crying when you don't actually feel like crying as a way to gain your own permission.
What "funny" is that I can't even say the word cry. Sometimes when I stop myself from saying something and she asks why, I say I'm afraid; she'll ask afraid of what, and I just say I don't know... (Afraid to say, "afraid I'll cry"). One other time, I had to say the word "cry" and I was so hesitant, and told her I had to say a bad word and that it was hard for me because I shouldn't say bad words... She asked if it was a curse word, I said no, not really... So she asked me to spell it. Ugggh, no wonder I can't actually do it.
> I want you to know that this conversation is really helping me clarify my own feelings. It is confusing to want something so much and yet not want it at all. Naming it hasn't helped. Fighting it hasn't helped either. I'm at a loss as to what to try now.Thanks Daisy, It's really helping me also. In fact, it reminded me of another issue I wanted to bring up here. Just been so busy that it's hard to keep up with writing.
Ooops! Almost forgot to mention... My T is home safe. :) She called me, but I missed her call so she left a message. Sometime I like getting a message better than talking to her because I can listen to it over and over whereas sometimes I can talk to her on the phone and hang up and not remember it. Anyway, she's home. :) (Too bad I still have to wait till Thursday to see her!)
lgl
poster:LittleGirlLost
thread:524903
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050706/msgs/526252.html