Posted by wittgensteinz on April 25, 2011, at 18:17:00
In reply to Why do we want our Ts to like us?, posted by pegasus on April 25, 2011, at 17:05:09
Yes, I feel much the same.
When I think of caring I think of both professional caring (the therapist's professional obligation/requirement to listen/be engaged) and personal caring, i.e. caring because the patient personally matters to the therapist.
While I would like both, this desire is ambivalent insofar as I wouldn't want his personal caring to interfere with the therapy and the boundaries between us. I wouldn't want him interfering too much in my life.
For me the need to be liked by my therapist is related to a need to be valued, respected and understood - for him to feel empathy toward me. Maybe all these things are still possible even if the therapist doesn't particularly like the client/patient - but could empathy be genuine under those circumstances? I imagine negative feelings could get in the way of that.
It's much easier to live with the idea of opening up in such an intimate way with another human being when you feel that that person likes you. Being the 'patient' is a very vulnerable position to be in. Safety and trust are nurtured in the presence of someone caring and warm. When I tell my story, I want him to be at my side like an ally - not an enemy.
I'm sure liking and caring are closely intertwined - certainly caring on a personal level. The "what does it mean for you to care?" question has come up a number of times in my therapy. He's said a couple of times in frustration "I'm not a robot!" but his 'not being a robot' isn't enough for me. Realistically I think in order to do the work we do we both have to find one another sympathetic - there has to be a click in order for a trusting relationship to develop. That said there are times when we don't see eye to eye and I'm sure some things about me annoy him, just as some things about him irritate me - but overall I feel there is a mutual warmth between us and I think that's necessary.
An after-thought: In a way our T's see us in our purest form - don't they take on in that sense a deistic status as the ultimate judge? Might it not be a matter of "if he doesn't like me, then I must just be an unlikeable person per se" - it would feel like the ultimate rejection. I mean, if someone who knows me casually doesn't like me, then maybe they just didn't get the right impression. But if someone gets to see me through and through, if I learn to trust him like a father, if I respect his opinions deeply and if that person has a calm and semi-objective vantage point then surely his judgment of me and my character has far more weight than pretty much anyone else? If that person judges me unsympathetically there's not much left to say. Isn't that the basis of the need?
Witti
poster:wittgensteinz
thread:983719
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/983722.html