Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2011, at 7:39:49
In reply to Re: Why do I not want my T to like me? » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on May 3, 2011, at 1:23:27
Well, the thing about grace is that in order to be grace, it has to be unearned. :)
Although, conversely, I'm very aware of *overall* earning my therapist's positive feelings.
Hmmmm....
I think perhaps we do have different definitions of "like". I'd say your "like" was more like my "enjoy". I'm under no illusion that my therapist would want to go out with me for a beer and a movie. He thinks I'm a bit odd, and I know that he thinks me somewhat lacking in humor. Which I am, in some ways, I suppose. And of course he seems to find me boring. Which I suppose I also can be. I do tend to drone on and on.
I think of like as more like having positive feelings for, finding something valuable and special about that person. Looking forward to spending time around them, though not necessarily tons of time. I find myself liking people who are decent and kind, but not necessarily brilliant or funny. And I don't always like people I might find hilarious, if they are insensitive or unkind to others. Although, depending on the sort of unkind they are, I *might* like them. Over time, I can grow to like someone I initially detest or to dislike someone I previously liked, without at all changing my mind about how enjoyable or trying their company might be.
Liking might come, for me, with empathy and understanding. Or by observing kindnesses to myself or others. I might easily dislike someone who appears a pompous windbag or a happy morning person, for example. In part because of my previous experiences in life. But if I see the windbag offer a gruff kindess, or the happy morning person gaze wistfully after a child, or if I spend enough time with either, I'm likely to end up liking them quite well.
Although, on the other hand, I dislike most mental health practitioners, so maybe I find people easier to like when they don't have me in their power and I am in a position to stay more disinterested. :)
Are you perhaps feeling depressed and down on yourself right now, Tabitha? I find it hard to believe that over the years you have presented one uniform face to your therapist. If you have, I might tend to blame your therapist rather than you. I think it would be very hard not to like, or even love, someone you've known for years and who has been vulnerable in your presence.
And, in addition, I've found you both likeable and loveable in the time I have known you. Moreover, I don't recall having to take any time to grow to like you.
Hmmmm.... Again, it might be a difference in definitions. One of the first things I discussed with my therapist was that I felt like my husband loved me dearly, and enjoyed my company. But felt doubtful that he *liked* me.
On the other hand, I'm quite sure that my therapist likes me. (I do keep referring to him that way. I'm glad.) But he's as much as told me that he likes me best at no more than two hours a week - not in those words of course. :)
Maybe this is something you could discuss with your therapist. Not only to ask how she feels about you, but to talk about your expectations of how others see you.
On the other hand, at this stage in our talking about our therapists, I almost feel like saying you should talk to *my* therapist about these things. For all his many, many flaws, I'm beginning to think he offers something that your therapist doesn't.
poster:Dinah
thread:983719
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/984426.html