Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 28, 2011, at 21:55:32
In reply to Re: update, posted by emmanuel98 on June 28, 2011, at 21:23:00
Thanks, Emmanuel, for your response.
Regarding meeting twice per week, he did express reservations, although he told me that he was not in theory opposed to it. He said his reservations came more from the way in which I asked him-- not directly asking him, but what he thought was intensifying my experiences-- more suicidality, self harm, clinging, etc. He thought the increase in intensity was my way to ask for this-- by showing him that I really need it. I think on an unconscious level, he is right. We keep discussing the topic of meeting twice per week. I think we are going to do it for a while, although he said we will have to establish very clear boundaries so that I remain safe. He doesn't want this to continue increasing in intensity to the point that I need to meet three or more times per week and then end up in the hospital. I think he is concerned, even as he hears my desire, need, and genuine request. I think we are going to try it. Things get much more busy for him in late August, so we may not be able to keep up doing this for too long-- maybe we could meet every 5 days or so. The thing for me is that it is so hard to maintain constancy from session to session-- after three days it is literally as if the prior session might not have even happened. And then nothing gets accomplished. We are going to try this, I think, and see if it helps.
Also, the more I have learned about him, it seems tha the never uses just one method but combines elements of different methods. He does use elements of DBT-- mindfulness skills, meditation, phone contact in-between sessions for emergencies, validation, acceptance and change-- but is also trained in psychodynamic therapy. I think we use a combintation of these. His desk and bookshelves are strewn with books on Freud, Lacan, psychoanalsyis, mysticism, and Buddhism. He sometimes mentions Freudian terms. I think that he is skilled in working with transferences and a more dynamic/analytic orientation. He is very non-directive, which is both difficult and yet freeing for me.
The rest of what you say regarding intensity and grief is very hard for me to hear, but you are right-- I know you are right. If I stay in my current town, I will have 3-4 more years with him, if I needed it. I may have to leave before then-- but the bottom line that I am trying to tell myself now is that I do have all the time that I need.
Today we talked about my termination fears: he said that good-bye should hurt, but that it shouldn't be traumatic, and so intense that it disrupts functionality and evokes an unremitting grief. He said he thinks there is hope-- that things will get better. I took that to mean that over time, I will one day be able to say good-bye and for it to hurt, but be OK...not hurt so bad that I feel like I need to suicide, which is how I feel now.
This is so painful. I am just trying to make it through the night. I feel like I am losing my f*ck*ng mind.
Thanks for listening and talking.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:989669
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/989728.html