Posted by Willful on June 30, 2011, at 11:43:28
In reply to Re: update, posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 8:42:42
Sorry you're continuing to have such a tough time, Annabelle.
Maybe there's a misunderstanding about what people here are saying. I'm sure no one thinks you should be ashamed of your love for your T. Most if not all of us have felt that, although at differing intensities.
It's important not to give up hope of recovering and of having a productive and happy life. There's no reason to believe that you can't recover and that your T relationship-- this one or another one-- will be very important in supporting and contributing to your recovery.
You seem very well educated and have obviously read widely in therapeutic literature. I definitely hope though that you don't let yourself be too influenced by everything you read. (I'm not addressing the Rachel Reiland book, which I haven't read.) However, when I was in a very deeply depressed state, I also did a significant amount of reading in the psychoanalytic literature--and it was very helpful in containing some of my symptoms and leavening the despair-- but it also gave me certain ideas about what might be interesting or "special" types of behavior-- which, in retrospect, I realize I imitated and which became, in fact, obstructions to recovery. One thing I think you'll agree is that not everyone feels such a strong desire to be in one's T's thoughts, or to be protected from pain by his caring. But this can lead you to more negative behaviors, if you think that's the path to your T's attention and concern.
I dont' know if you feel that- but if you you do, it's important not to be seduced by it. It's very natural, in a way, but it just can lead in directions you may regret-- as I can attest. Whatever the relationship is, it will be what is is because of who you are beyond the illness, not how sick, or how deeply in pain you are. I realize that now (and in general more of the time now)-- but at times of intense emotion, these things can get turned around in one's mind, and it can seem that any lengths are worth it, to keep your T's thoughts with you, or to make him aware of how terrible your suffering it. I'm sure you know this-- but also it's easy to forget it in the grip of an emotion.. Of course this is coercing your T's thoughts-- not being truly an object of compassion and caring. Sometimes that may feel necessary-- but it's also something to work against.
And as I try to remind myself daily-- what your T feels is more about you at a deeper level than your pain, or illness-- and what evokes his caring are your talents and strengths. I just hope that you can really know this, and try to keep that thought in mind, as you work on your meditation and try to keep on going through this stage of your therapy. You can be in his heart in a better way the less terrible you feel-- not the reverse.
I have a lot of hope for you, not only because growing up-- and experience-- may help-- but also because of how committed you are to working with your T. And it's important to work on knowing that however you feel is OK-- whether it's love or competitiveness or the need to be special-- but what you (and we) all have to learn is to act on these needs in a positive and self-affirming way. That's what takes so much work sometimes.
I hope you keep well,
Willful
Emsam.
Abilify
Provigil
Rilutek
poster:Willful
thread:989669
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/989853.html