Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 28, 2011, at 11:51:56
Life is hell right now. I am hurting so badly. But I am at work right now. All I can do is just keep going through the motions of life, just stay alive another day. It is a literally a matter of living from day to day.
A lot has happened in the past 4 weeks...kinda.
My therapist and I discussed meeting more frequently, and he is willing (at least this was my understanding) to meet twice a week for a little while, although that maybe won't last past middle August because of his schedule. I really, really think that meeting twice a week is the thing that will help me get over the hump I have been trying (and failing) to climb for the past many months. The bad news is that he will be doing some traveling this summer.
We met today, and he is leaving today until next Monday. We will meet next Tuesday, and then he will be gone for 10 days. I really don't know how I am going to make it. My back aches just thinking about it.
The suicidal feelings have increased over the past few weeks. Last week, we discussed hospitalization as a real possibility; he even mentioned calling the police if I refused to go, for an involuntary admission. I promised to talk to my priest (I did talk to him, but it hasn't helped me in the long run) and he let me leave without going to the hospital.
Things are getting more shaky, more strange, more unpredictable. I think I might be at the hospital before the summer is over. I just don't want to lose my jobs-- I have a really good job this summer...the best I have ever had before. I don't want my boss to think differently of me or for me to lose this job, as she is really counting on me to help her out with her business (it is just she and I)
Today feels like hell. There aren't really words. I miss my therapist so much, and I just saw him this morning. I love him so much, like with all of the love I have, and it is so hard to separate from him after the session. I hurt right now. It is a deep, pounding ache inside.
hurting so badly
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:989669
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/989669.html