Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 10:42:48
In reply to Re: update » emmanuel98, posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 8:43:55
sorry, Emmanuel.
When I read your thread, I was projecting and imposing a lot upon it. I just re-read it and saw it differently.
I feel like everyone around me to whom I *try to reach out-- this may be my own projection-- is telling me how bad my transference is. You said you have had 6 years to work on yours and it sounds like it has gotten a little better, right? Well, I have had hardly a year, and that is a pieced-together portion interrupted by a 7 month break. We have only really been regularly having sessions since November-- and that with a three month Christmas break. I feel like I at least *deserve more years, like everyone else-- including you-- have had before.
I think even if it never goes away, it might get a little better. Everyone that I reach out to acts like what I am feeling is inappropriate and semi-trivial, yet bad. A couple of friends even start grinning and telling me I am in love-- this infuriates me into a suicidal rage. I will f*ck*ng say it again: I am NOT romantically in love with him. One girl suggested that maybe I see a female therapist instead. She said that for the past four years, she has seen a different therapist each year-- the first was male and then all were female. She obviously doesn't have an attachment problem if she can change that quickly. She doesn't get it. The gender is not a reason to change. Maybe I am gay. Maybe he is gay. I don't know. Romantic feelings are not part of the equation, even if they were for my friend. She is in a different place than me-- she is healthily adjusted to life. I am far from it. But the fact is that my therapist is a damned good therapist-- that is an objective fact, that others who know him have confirmed. He is a jewel among therapists and I trust him immensely. The people who have said these hurtful things to me I guess are just trying to connect to me in the only, limited way that they know how. They have never even come close to feeling this kind of transference-- they have matured to a level beyond this so that they actually are able to form real relationships in other areas. I have never had a romantic relationship before and think that kind of intimacy is impossible for me right now. The people who jeer at me have had so many romantic relationships that they have lost count. They just don't get it. I am hurting so badly.
I love my therapist like I love God. Sometimes I feel like I am two and he is my mother. It is a primal love that feels like the source and grounding of life itself. We spend the first 9 months of our lives swimming through the body of our mother-- I think a connection forms that is unlike any other. Some call this a pre-oedipal condition (i.e. attachment disorders that stem from and tap into this). Bollas has referred to this as an experience of the "unthought known." It is related to the Oceanic feeling and is lessened ego boundaries. Sometimes I feel at one with my therapist. Like the selves are intertwined. When we first started meeting a year ago, I was immediately struck by these feelings-- he mirrors my expressions and is so gentle and compassionate. I feel ontologically safe with him.
This is not romantic love.
Sometimes I think of Job. In the story of Job, I think his greatest suffering comes not from the harm that befalls him, but rather from being misunderstood by his friends. Being misunderstood, abandoned and alone is the worst suffering-- it is like death, being stripped and tossed into hell. Job suffered most because he was misunderstood-- his friends told him he was guilty and that God was punishing him, although he knew that he was innocent. They abandoned him. I sometimes feel that when I reach out, I become more and more alone and misunderstood. People try to connect and fail to do so. They accuse me of being inappropriate.
The worst pain is being abandoned, misunderstood and alone.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:989669
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/989846.html