![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 28, 2011, at 11:51:56
Life is hell right now. I am hurting so badly. But I am at work right now. All I can do is just keep going through the motions of life, just stay alive another day. It is a literally a matter of living from day to day.
A lot has happened in the past 4 weeks...kinda.
My therapist and I discussed meeting more frequently, and he is willing (at least this was my understanding) to meet twice a week for a little while, although that maybe won't last past middle August because of his schedule. I really, really think that meeting twice a week is the thing that will help me get over the hump I have been trying (and failing) to climb for the past many months. The bad news is that he will be doing some traveling this summer.
We met today, and he is leaving today until next Monday. We will meet next Tuesday, and then he will be gone for 10 days. I really don't know how I am going to make it. My back aches just thinking about it.
The suicidal feelings have increased over the past few weeks. Last week, we discussed hospitalization as a real possibility; he even mentioned calling the police if I refused to go, for an involuntary admission. I promised to talk to my priest (I did talk to him, but it hasn't helped me in the long run) and he let me leave without going to the hospital.
Things are getting more shaky, more strange, more unpredictable. I think I might be at the hospital before the summer is over. I just don't want to lose my jobs-- I have a really good job this summer...the best I have ever had before. I don't want my boss to think differently of me or for me to lose this job, as she is really counting on me to help her out with her business (it is just she and I)
Today feels like hell. There aren't really words. I miss my therapist so much, and I just saw him this morning. I love him so much, like with all of the love I have, and it is so hard to separate from him after the session. I hurt right now. It is a deep, pounding ache inside.
hurting so badly
Posted by sleepygirl2 on June 28, 2011, at 17:22:51
In reply to update, posted by Annabelle Smith on June 28, 2011, at 11:51:56
Since it is what it is, you might want to view these separations as some type of opportunity. For what? I don't know, something. Something you want. The point is that you might have to fight feeling deprived. You aren't really being deprived of anything, it's just a natural course of events. Nevertheless, you might feel angry about it.
I don't know.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 28, 2011, at 20:38:44
In reply to Re: update » Annabelle Smith, posted by sleepygirl2 on June 28, 2011, at 17:22:51
Thanks, Sleepygirl.
My therapist said something similar, I think. But it was really hard for me to hear through all of the hurt. I have also wondered: an opportunity for what. To use my skills that he is trying to teach me and that I am still struggling with? To try to see that I can survive even with such pain?
I felt so overwhelmed that I wrote to myself during my lunch break at work.
"How will you survive it?
What will relieve the tension?
Notice your thoughts
Distractions
Put your energy elsewhere?
Tell someone else--open out to others
Call my therapist.I ended up calling him. He must have either had his phone off or was on a plane (I don't even know where he is going). I left a voicemail message so he wouldn't worry when he saw that I had called. I told him it hurt a lot but that I wasn't going to act on my feelings right now. It just hurts.
I feel so paralyzed. I can't move here or there. I can't commit to one thing. I usually read a lot. But I can't even read anything. I can't decide which book. The only books I am attracted to are the ones that upset me the most. I don't know what to do with my time. How to be or what to do...how to spend my time. And so I don't do anything or be anything or spend my time in anyway. I just waste my time. In sessions, in my life, everyday. I feel like I wasted the session today. I dissociated, but it was like taking a third person perspective, getting lost for the flux of things to talk about-- so much to talk about, I couldn't choose one to focus upon and so talked about nothing at all for long. We did actually talk about a lot, but I just didn't feel really present for it. It was like I didn't show up for my session today. I have had better sessions, where I am more present. It just comes and goes.
I feel like I am on the edge of the deep end. Very unstable is how it feels. I feel empty and lonely.
Thanks, Sleepygirl, for listening and responding.
Posted by emmanuel98 on June 28, 2011, at 21:23:00
In reply to Re: update, posted by Annabelle Smith on June 28, 2011, at 20:38:44
Well, I'm no one to talk, since my transference reaction to my p-doc was intense, crazy, overwhelming and after 6 years I am not quite over it. But looking at it from the other side, it seems you need to get enough control to do your job, not ruin your life over a relationship that, ultimately, is limited and destined to end. That's what my p-doc told me over and over, to my dismay -- this is destined to end. The goal is to end, for you to get better and not need him so desperately anymore. My p-doc was always very clear and honest about this. We would not be friends. Our relationship would never be anything beyond what we had -- one hour a week, with a few feet seperating us, never touching, or shaking hands or hugging. This upset me beyond belief for a long time.
My p-doc would never agree to see my twice a week. He felt things were too intense at once a week and twice a week would make things more intense. This was hard to hear, but I think a correct judgement on his part. You might want to think about that. Will seeing him twice a week make things easier or more intense and overwhelming?
What is his experience in dealing with intense transference? You might want to ask him that. Generally DBT/CBT therapists have limited experience with this and, given the intensity of your reaction to him, things could get very messy unless he is very clear on understanding your reactions and setting very clear boundaries.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 28, 2011, at 21:55:32
In reply to Re: update, posted by emmanuel98 on June 28, 2011, at 21:23:00
Thanks, Emmanuel, for your response.
Regarding meeting twice per week, he did express reservations, although he told me that he was not in theory opposed to it. He said his reservations came more from the way in which I asked him-- not directly asking him, but what he thought was intensifying my experiences-- more suicidality, self harm, clinging, etc. He thought the increase in intensity was my way to ask for this-- by showing him that I really need it. I think on an unconscious level, he is right. We keep discussing the topic of meeting twice per week. I think we are going to do it for a while, although he said we will have to establish very clear boundaries so that I remain safe. He doesn't want this to continue increasing in intensity to the point that I need to meet three or more times per week and then end up in the hospital. I think he is concerned, even as he hears my desire, need, and genuine request. I think we are going to try it. Things get much more busy for him in late August, so we may not be able to keep up doing this for too long-- maybe we could meet every 5 days or so. The thing for me is that it is so hard to maintain constancy from session to session-- after three days it is literally as if the prior session might not have even happened. And then nothing gets accomplished. We are going to try this, I think, and see if it helps.
Also, the more I have learned about him, it seems tha the never uses just one method but combines elements of different methods. He does use elements of DBT-- mindfulness skills, meditation, phone contact in-between sessions for emergencies, validation, acceptance and change-- but is also trained in psychodynamic therapy. I think we use a combintation of these. His desk and bookshelves are strewn with books on Freud, Lacan, psychoanalsyis, mysticism, and Buddhism. He sometimes mentions Freudian terms. I think that he is skilled in working with transferences and a more dynamic/analytic orientation. He is very non-directive, which is both difficult and yet freeing for me.
The rest of what you say regarding intensity and grief is very hard for me to hear, but you are right-- I know you are right. If I stay in my current town, I will have 3-4 more years with him, if I needed it. I may have to leave before then-- but the bottom line that I am trying to tell myself now is that I do have all the time that I need.
Today we talked about my termination fears: he said that good-bye should hurt, but that it shouldn't be traumatic, and so intense that it disrupts functionality and evokes an unremitting grief. He said he thinks there is hope-- that things will get better. I took that to mean that over time, I will one day be able to say good-bye and for it to hurt, but be OK...not hurt so bad that I feel like I need to suicide, which is how I feel now.
This is so painful. I am just trying to make it through the night. I feel like I am losing my f*ck*ng mind.
Thanks for listening and talking.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 29, 2011, at 12:04:59
In reply to Re: update, posted by emmanuel98 on June 28, 2011, at 21:23:00
I was thinking about this, Emmanuel, last night since I read your post-- what you said about this relationship being limited and perhaps it not being wise to invest too much into it.
It pains me so incredibly much that it is limited and rather one-sided...and yet...
Yet I think it is a real relationship in the here and now, similar too and yet different from any other.
It is similar in that a way, all relationships are destined to end at some point. I remember when I spent several studying in Scotland several years ago-- I often thought to myself: why bother. Why bother investing in people that I will never see again and probably never speak to again. I am just wasting my energy and will have a painful good-bye in a few short weeks. But then I thought that I had to do it anyway-- because that is the only way to live. I had to love them and invest in them anyway. Even if I will never see or speak to them again-- and many, if not most of them, I won't-- I loved and knew them deeply for a time and that I will always have. Our lives crossed paths and the relationships changed us both forever.
There are a lot of people that I am around these days that I could easily just not invest in, because I doubt I will be around them much longer, but I have to invest a lot anyway.
I think the same is true with my therapist, although it is different too. That is, the nature of the relationship is different. Yet, I think what I need more than anything is to precisely invest deeply in this relationship-- to commit to in on my end, knowing that he is also committed with firm boundaries.
It hurts and I often feel angry and jipped, but I have heard that this is the way to healing, perhaps for me, this is the way to a secure attachment and to object constancy and deep love that will become possible in other areas of my life.
Or maybe not. It seems a risk. a huge risk.
Posted by sigismund on June 29, 2011, at 13:27:40
In reply to Re: update, posted by emmanuel98 on June 28, 2011, at 21:23:00
> That's what my p-doc told me over and over, to my dismay -- this is destined to end. The goal is to end, for you to get better and not need him so desperately anymore. My p-doc was always very clear and honest about this. We would not be friends. Our relationship would never be anything beyond what we had -- one hour a week, with a few feet seperating us, never touching, or shaking hands or hugging.
This is how it was with me, though at times she held my hand, if I recall correctly.
But I had 5 hours a week, and when I read your posts, Annabelle, I keep wondering how you manage to have such an intense transference or whatever it is on one hour a week.I also wonder whether you could just fall in love with someone?
(Whether or not that is a good idea, normally we have no choice in the matter.)
It seems to be in your nature, right?
Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 29, 2011, at 15:15:51
In reply to Re: update, posted by sigismund on June 29, 2011, at 13:27:40
Thanks, Sig.
5 hours a week would certainly be intense, although I have heard frequently of intense transferences developing on 1 or 2 hours a week as well. I don't think it is that difficult to develop an intense transference on 1 hour a week if you are so primed-- with a certain attachment style and issues, coupled with a therapist to whom you really connect-- to do so.
Also, I do think that transference is a kind of deep-- I would say in my case, primal- love. And I have come to the conclusion-- have made the decision for myself-- that there is nothing wrong with that, nothing to be ashamed of or to feel "bad" about. It is like all loves and desires throughout life become directed on this one person. My priest told me-- and I agree with him, though at this point in the process it hurts to focus on for too long-- that ultimately one of the goals of my therapy would be for this intense, overwhelming, deep primal love that is totally focused upon my therapist to dissipate from its focus on him and blossom out into other areas of my life-- while I will still love my therapist-- I always will-- I will now feel similar (though not overwhelmingly focused in the transferential sense) for other people, for God, for places and other things. That will be healing and creating a life for myself full of meaning and vitality.
Posted by emmanuel98 on June 30, 2011, at 1:19:58
In reply to Re: update » emmanuel98, posted by Annabelle Smith on June 29, 2011, at 12:04:59
It is +is not a real relationship. The connection is real and your feelings are real. But his feelings will never match your's in intensity. If they did, how could he be of help to you as a therapist? Being a therapist means maintaining a certain distance, so that your, not his, feelings remain the object of the therapy.
As someone who experienced intense transference feelings seeing my p-doc once a week, I sometimes wonder what good it did me beyond a certain point. He has encouraged me to move the primary therapy to a DBT therapist. Theoretically, at this point, he should be meeting me monthly or less for meds. But I can't move on. I still want to see him weekly. I'm not sure it helps to see him weekly, but I can't quite get over my ddependence on him and need to see him. I've made other friends and have other important relationships in my life. In theory, these should have displaced him. But he is still vitally important to me.
He is not happy about this. He has said that the more I see him, the more dependent I feel. That my transference issues are alnost pyschotic, they are so irrational. He has also said that, while some patients continue to need the supportive relationship of therapy indefinitely to feel stable, I do not remain stable even with the relationship intact. This is why he insisted I find a DBT therapist to be my primary therapist, with him available only for support
I'm not sure this transference ever ends neatly. It hasn't for me. Maybe having an end date, when you have to leave -- in a few years -- will force the issue for you and make the ending cleaner.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 8:42:42
In reply to Re: update, posted by emmanuel98 on June 30, 2011, at 1:19:58
I am sorry that you are having trouble with your transference.
It *can end for some people neatly and without trauma.
There is a book by Rachel Reiland called "Get me out of Here" It was intense for her-- she met three times per week. She terminated in 4 years and has moved on.
Hope is...
Hope is against all f*ck*ng odds...
Hope.
hope is all I have.
I am getting too upset in this conversation and am going to have to leave again.
But I have hope- against all f*ck*ng odds- that this will get better.
I accept my love for him as OK. I declare it OK. There is nothing wrong with my love for him. We will meet twice per week. And God dammit, I will love him within the limits and not be ashamed.
It is what I need more than anything else right now. And I know my needs.Called 4 suicide hotlines last night. they sucked. I know myself.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 8:43:55
In reply to Re: update, posted by emmanuel98 on June 30, 2011, at 1:19:58
p.s.
I feel like your therapist, Emmanuel, is not comfortable with transferences.
is this true?
Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 10:42:48
In reply to Re: update » emmanuel98, posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 8:43:55
sorry, Emmanuel.
When I read your thread, I was projecting and imposing a lot upon it. I just re-read it and saw it differently.
I feel like everyone around me to whom I *try to reach out-- this may be my own projection-- is telling me how bad my transference is. You said you have had 6 years to work on yours and it sounds like it has gotten a little better, right? Well, I have had hardly a year, and that is a pieced-together portion interrupted by a 7 month break. We have only really been regularly having sessions since November-- and that with a three month Christmas break. I feel like I at least *deserve more years, like everyone else-- including you-- have had before.
I think even if it never goes away, it might get a little better. Everyone that I reach out to acts like what I am feeling is inappropriate and semi-trivial, yet bad. A couple of friends even start grinning and telling me I am in love-- this infuriates me into a suicidal rage. I will f*ck*ng say it again: I am NOT romantically in love with him. One girl suggested that maybe I see a female therapist instead. She said that for the past four years, she has seen a different therapist each year-- the first was male and then all were female. She obviously doesn't have an attachment problem if she can change that quickly. She doesn't get it. The gender is not a reason to change. Maybe I am gay. Maybe he is gay. I don't know. Romantic feelings are not part of the equation, even if they were for my friend. She is in a different place than me-- she is healthily adjusted to life. I am far from it. But the fact is that my therapist is a damned good therapist-- that is an objective fact, that others who know him have confirmed. He is a jewel among therapists and I trust him immensely. The people who have said these hurtful things to me I guess are just trying to connect to me in the only, limited way that they know how. They have never even come close to feeling this kind of transference-- they have matured to a level beyond this so that they actually are able to form real relationships in other areas. I have never had a romantic relationship before and think that kind of intimacy is impossible for me right now. The people who jeer at me have had so many romantic relationships that they have lost count. They just don't get it. I am hurting so badly.
I love my therapist like I love God. Sometimes I feel like I am two and he is my mother. It is a primal love that feels like the source and grounding of life itself. We spend the first 9 months of our lives swimming through the body of our mother-- I think a connection forms that is unlike any other. Some call this a pre-oedipal condition (i.e. attachment disorders that stem from and tap into this). Bollas has referred to this as an experience of the "unthought known." It is related to the Oceanic feeling and is lessened ego boundaries. Sometimes I feel at one with my therapist. Like the selves are intertwined. When we first started meeting a year ago, I was immediately struck by these feelings-- he mirrors my expressions and is so gentle and compassionate. I feel ontologically safe with him.
This is not romantic love.
Sometimes I think of Job. In the story of Job, I think his greatest suffering comes not from the harm that befalls him, but rather from being misunderstood by his friends. Being misunderstood, abandoned and alone is the worst suffering-- it is like death, being stripped and tossed into hell. Job suffered most because he was misunderstood-- his friends told him he was guilty and that God was punishing him, although he knew that he was innocent. They abandoned him. I sometimes feel that when I reach out, I become more and more alone and misunderstood. People try to connect and fail to do so. They accuse me of being inappropriate.
The worst pain is being abandoned, misunderstood and alone.
Posted by Willful on June 30, 2011, at 11:43:28
In reply to Re: update, posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 8:42:42
Sorry you're continuing to have such a tough time, Annabelle.
Maybe there's a misunderstanding about what people here are saying. I'm sure no one thinks you should be ashamed of your love for your T. Most if not all of us have felt that, although at differing intensities.
It's important not to give up hope of recovering and of having a productive and happy life. There's no reason to believe that you can't recover and that your T relationship-- this one or another one-- will be very important in supporting and contributing to your recovery.
You seem very well educated and have obviously read widely in therapeutic literature. I definitely hope though that you don't let yourself be too influenced by everything you read. (I'm not addressing the Rachel Reiland book, which I haven't read.) However, when I was in a very deeply depressed state, I also did a significant amount of reading in the psychoanalytic literature--and it was very helpful in containing some of my symptoms and leavening the despair-- but it also gave me certain ideas about what might be interesting or "special" types of behavior-- which, in retrospect, I realize I imitated and which became, in fact, obstructions to recovery. One thing I think you'll agree is that not everyone feels such a strong desire to be in one's T's thoughts, or to be protected from pain by his caring. But this can lead you to more negative behaviors, if you think that's the path to your T's attention and concern.
I dont' know if you feel that- but if you you do, it's important not to be seduced by it. It's very natural, in a way, but it just can lead in directions you may regret-- as I can attest. Whatever the relationship is, it will be what is is because of who you are beyond the illness, not how sick, or how deeply in pain you are. I realize that now (and in general more of the time now)-- but at times of intense emotion, these things can get turned around in one's mind, and it can seem that any lengths are worth it, to keep your T's thoughts with you, or to make him aware of how terrible your suffering it. I'm sure you know this-- but also it's easy to forget it in the grip of an emotion.. Of course this is coercing your T's thoughts-- not being truly an object of compassion and caring. Sometimes that may feel necessary-- but it's also something to work against.
And as I try to remind myself daily-- what your T feels is more about you at a deeper level than your pain, or illness-- and what evokes his caring are your talents and strengths. I just hope that you can really know this, and try to keep that thought in mind, as you work on your meditation and try to keep on going through this stage of your therapy. You can be in his heart in a better way the less terrible you feel-- not the reverse.
I have a lot of hope for you, not only because growing up-- and experience-- may help-- but also because of how committed you are to working with your T. And it's important to work on knowing that however you feel is OK-- whether it's love or competitiveness or the need to be special-- but what you (and we) all have to learn is to act on these needs in a positive and self-affirming way. That's what takes so much work sometimes.
I hope you keep well,
Willful
Posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 11:50:27
In reply to Re: update, posted by Willful on June 30, 2011, at 11:43:28
Thank you, Willful.
Your words here help me. A lot. They make me feel a little bit better. I feel understood and accepted.
I can stand to read this and really hear you because I feel like you really hear me and are accepting me as I am and telling me that it is OK.
Thank you.
- Annabelle
Posted by sigismund on June 30, 2011, at 13:34:26
In reply to Re: update, posted by Annabelle Smith on June 29, 2011, at 15:15:51
>that there is nothing wrong with that, nothing to be ashamed of or to feel "bad" about. It is like all loves and desires throughout life become directed on this one person.
Yeah, I'd say go with the flow. In any case, you have no choice.
Posted by sigismund on June 30, 2011, at 13:42:48
In reply to Re: update, posted by emmanuel98 on June 30, 2011, at 1:19:58
Eventually you run out of things to talk about kinda.
I didn't exactly get sick of it.
That was 15 years. It may have been too long. It very well may have been.
IME, those strong feelings arise or do not, and if they pass they cannot always be regained.
A lot of life is illusory anyway. Just love in general.
One of the nice things about getting older is experiencing more consciousness without content....kind of like those old people who can just stare out at the sky for hours.
There are so many things you can do without, but I am fond of colours....the blue of the sky and the green of plants in particular.
Posted by sigismund on June 30, 2011, at 13:54:18
In reply to Re: update, posted by Willful on June 30, 2011, at 11:43:28
You imitate so much, hey?
In those days it was all about being schizoid and strange, and Erickson and identity.
Someone tells you you've got no sense of identity and then someone else says all egos are fictions anyway, along with too much LSD.
In 40 years the landscape has altered profoundly. We didn't even think of bipolar. It was all schizophrenia. Let alone bipolar 2.
I don't have an opinion about this.
Posted by emmanuel98 on June 30, 2011, at 21:01:31
In reply to Re: update » emmanuel98, posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 8:43:55
> p.s.
>
> I feel like your therapist, Emmanuel, is not comfortable with transferences.
>
> is this true?Not at all. This is what he does - psychodynamic therapy. It's all about transference. He just always wanted to try to control the intensity of it, partly to protect me from being overly dependent on him. I was obsessed with him and therapy almost from day one. He wanted me to live a more balanced life. I have a husband and daughter and he felt that it would be destructive for him "re-parent" me with more frequent therapy sessions, when I already had important corrective relationships in my life and was cultivating more through AA. I think his judgement was very sound.
Some transferences get crazy and near psychotic, like the famous case of Anna O. I was like Anna O -- a crazy transference just waiting for the right set of circumstances to bring it out.
A few years before I started seeing him, I became obsessed with this surgeon I saw who was very kind and held my hand in both of his before the surgery and reassured me that I would be fine. That little act of kindness and compassion just obsessed me and I just about stalked this guy. So the kindness and compassion of my p-doc was almost more than I could handle.
When you've been starved of kindness and compassion your whole life, your heart craves it and can't let go when you finally experience it.
Posted by emmanuel98 on June 30, 2011, at 21:06:00
In reply to Sorry IMPORTANT » Annabelle Smith, posted by Annabelle Smith on June 30, 2011, at 10:42:48
I understand that completely. Never, in six years, have I thought about my T erotically. He is like the beloved parent I never had. It's just that I didn't know I wanted that until I started seeing him, how badly I wanted that, how desperately I longed for that.
Posted by emmanuel98 on June 30, 2011, at 21:12:41
In reply to Re: update » Willful, posted by sigismund on June 30, 2011, at 13:54:18
What Willful said is important. What my T liked about me was my strength and resilience (I had a very traumatic past), not my weakness and illness. He cared about my weakness and illness and tried to manage my depression with meds, but he constantly reminded me of my strengths, to try and strengthen me.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 1, 2011, at 11:07:49
In reply to Re: update, posted by emmanuel98 on June 30, 2011, at 21:01:31
Thanks, Emmanuel.
I think I am also in the situation like you and Anna O-- a crazy transference just waiting for the right set of circumstances to bring it out. I also felt obsessed with my therapist from the second session and on. His compassion and kindness and complete acceptance filled the deepest longing and desire within me. I still need more-- I haven't yet had my fill.
I want to ask you something:
Think back to early on-- like after your first year with your p-doc. Would the thought of having to leave him have brought you to near panic and distress, to near complete loss of functionality? I don't know why I keep having these thoughts that I have to leave him. I really do have as long as I need. I could be here for 3-4 years. That is a long time to work through a lot of things.
I don't have other important corrective relationships in my life. Now is the perfect time for him to re-parent me. I want him to re-parent me. I wonder why it can't get intense. What would be wrong with that. He is probably worried about the increased suicidality. I don't have any other support groups, though. I have never had a struggle with drugs or alcohol, although I have a had a long struggle with food and sugar-abuse, although that is ever-present.
I want him to re-parent me. I want to really get better, not just put on a band-aid, which is what I feel like people are telling me. I often feel denied the access to real healing-- an access that other people get everyday by being re-parented, by being allowed to have an intense relationship. I always feel denied something, and this time it is not me denying myself (by not using the tools, etc.); it feels like others not wanting to spend time with me and help.
Posted by emmanuel98 on July 1, 2011, at 21:43:08
In reply to Re: update, posted by Annabelle Smith on July 1, 2011, at 11:07:49
> I want to ask you something:
>
> Think back to early on-- like after your first year with your p-doc. Would the thought of having to leave him have brought you to near panic and distress, to near complete loss of functionality?Yes - absolutely. I could barely stand it if he went on vacation and he takes short vacations, never more than two weeks out of the office. He has a house on the cape, so he doesn't go away at all in the summer, just takes long weekends, which is good. I never understood how people could handle their T taking off for a whole month in August, as so many do.
As far as re-parenting goes, realize that much as you may long for him to become a caring parent, he can never really give you that. Nobody can. You are no longer a child and will never have what you may have missed from your own parents. Ultimately, you need to reparent yourself, to grieve the losses of your childhood and learn to be kind and at ease with yourself. That's what he can teach you.
What I wonder about with your posts is that you don't seem to really get much out of the relationship with your T. You report leaving sessions unhappy, feeling you didn't say what you wanted to say. I never felt that way. I always found my sessions productive. They made me happy and I couldn't wait to do it again. Even today, when I've been very depressed, I usually feel happier after I see him.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on July 4, 2011, at 14:09:03
In reply to Re: update, posted by emmanuel98 on July 1, 2011, at 21:43:08
Thanks, Emmanuel.
I typed a long answer and apparently sent it to the wrong link or otherwise lost it.
All I can say is that it is very complicated with me, but I am absolutely certain that my sessions are productive and salvific for me too. I long to be in session so badly that I over-prepare for it.
I feel like I need to share all of the hurts and pains that gather all week, to bring them to him so he can make them better, can share them with me. But as they accumulate, I begin to be overwhelmed by them, to the point that after 7 days, I can no longer even focus on one. And then I come to the session and am frozen in the overwhelmedness of all of them. I think if we met twice a week-- like every 3 or 4 days, this wouldn't happen as badly. I really, really think I have nailed part of my problem with this. I am still not sure we will be able to meet that often.We meet tomorrow morning and then he is gone for 10 more days on another trip.
But my sessions DO make me feel better. They are essential to me.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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