Posted by fallsfall on October 28, 2004, at 11:14:42
In reply to Re: she sent me a card :-( » Rigby, posted by shrinking violet on October 27, 2004, at 21:25:28
>...Or maybe (most likely) she's thrilled to be rid of me and wanted to make it short and sweet.
*** Many, many, many people write on this board that they think that their therapists will be happier if they leave. Why wouldn't they be happier - we are (by definition) a bunch of "problem children"? But over and over again, if the patient is able to talk this through with their therapist, they seem to find that the therapist *doesn't* want them to "just go away". The therapist may well be frustrated, because their normal ways of doing things don't seem to be helping - but that doesn't mean that they want us to leave. Maybe you and your therapist are the exception - maybe she does want you to leave, but somehow, I doubt it. Can you see yourself as a "challenge" instead of a "problem"?
>...And, mainly, I think it's best for her if I stay away.
>
*** Your therapy isn't about what is best for her. It is about what is best for you. First of all, she can take care of herself. Therapists are trained to keep an eye on themselves, and to ask for advice (supervision) if they are getting into a difficult position. It is *her* responsibility and *her supervisor's* responsibility to decide if she is in a position that is harmful to her. She has a number of options if she decides that she does need to do something to take care of herself: Talk to her supervisor, talk to her peers, consult with your pdoc (do you have one?), ask you to go for a consultation with another therapist (this can give her a clearer picture of where you are, or an independent assessment of what your issues are), terminate you. She does have options. None of those include hoping that the patient will quit.*** Second, you really *don't know* what is best for her. You have made assumptions about how she is feeling about you and your therapy, and assumptions about what those feelings mean to her. I have had lots (and lots) of experince believing that I knew exactly what my therapist was feeling, but when I actually asked about it, I would find that my interpretation really *was wrong*. I do not believe that my therapists were lying about how they were feeling. I do believe that I interpretted their signals according to my own biases - rather than finding out from them what the actual situation was. Plus, she may experience particular emotions differently from you. The classic example for this is frustration. Frustration can be... well, frustrating. But all frustration is not bad. Sometimes it is what pushes us to reach beyond our current situation or skill set. Frustration is what allows us to keep trying until we succeed. Watch a baby who is just learning how to crawl or walk - they are incredibly frustrated! But the solution isn't to carry them to where they want to be - the solution is to let them learn how to get there.
>
>Yeah, well, I've gone through this "ripping away" with various people...Is it too much to ask to have ONE person see it through with me? And I cant blame her b/c I left first, but, I was mainly reacting to her frustration.*** It sounds to me like she *is* willing to see it through with you - if you will let her.
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>
>I'm such an idiot too...if I had just responded TO HER IN SESSION to the stuff she said, instead of having these latent reactions, this could have been avoided. I always do that...I always get hurt or angry or upset at something that happened during session *after* session, and then I usually lash out at her in email, or I quit with her...*sigh**** In the process of learning, we often go through a number of stages.
1. Believing the way we do things now is good.
2. Understanding that a change might make things better.
3. Realizing that we should have done something differently - identifying places where we could have made the change.
4. Recognizing *while* we are doing something that we really should be doing it a different way (but not being able to make the change at that point - i.e. it is too late)
5. Starting to do it the old way, but recognizing that we want to do it differently and being able to start making the change.
6. Getting ready to do it the old way, but doing it the new way instead.
7. Doing it the new way.*** These kinds of changes are non-trivial. I have spent *years* leaving a therapy session and figuring out 1 hour or 1 day or 1 week later what was happening. But I *am* getting (slowly) better at catching these things sooner. You are not a failure for not being able to respond immediately in the session - you are simply still learning.
>I'm so unbelievably sick of myself.
*** Well, the rest of us aren't sick of you.
>
*** You seem to be expecting a lot of yourself. Therapy is HARD. Talking and trusting is HARD. And there is no schedule that says when we should be able to get to certain places in therapy - it all depends on who you are, what has happened in your life so far, and who your therapist is.*** If you said "I quit because therapy wasn't helping me" or "I quit because I have other things to do with my time" or "I quit because my therapist and I don't *fit* right", then I might say "OK". But it concerns me that you have quit because you don't think it is good for *her* for you to stay.
poster:fallsfall
thread:407966
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041026/msgs/408361.html