Posted by shrinking violet on October 28, 2004, at 18:38:56
In reply to Re: she sent me a card :-( » shrinking violet, posted by fallsfall on October 28, 2004, at 11:14:42
Wow, (((Fallsfall))) I am so touched by your taking the time to write all of this, thank you. It helped immensely....I'm actually thinking of giving her another chance. ;)
>> *** Many, many, many people write on this board that they think that their therapists will be happier if they leave.... The therapist may well be frustrated, because their normal ways of doing things don't seem to be helping - but that doesn't mean that they want us to leave. Maybe you and your therapist are the exception - maybe she does want you to leave, but somehow, I doubt it. Can you see yourself as a "challenge" instead of a "problem"?I hope you're right, I really do. I hate being a challenge, though. To me, I was a challenge at first but then moved into being a problem, somehow. And it's worse b/c I honestly DO NOT want to be that way. I'm just not sure how to get myself to be different.
>> *** Your therapy isn't about what is best for her. It is about what is best for you.
I'm going to try to keep repeating that to myself; maybe eventually I'll believe it.
>> *** Second, you really *don't know* what is best for her. You have made assumptions about how she is feeling about you and your therapy, and assumptions about what those feelings mean to her.Yep, I do do that a lot. My T has often asked me to NOT assume that I know what she's feeling or thinking. But, to me, it makes sense....I'm frustrating her or angering her or making her feel such-and-such, so the solution is to remove me from the equation. I'm going to try to stop doing that, though, and at least try to ask her first (if I end up seeing her again). Thank you.
>> *** It sounds to me like she *is* willing to see it through with you - if you will let her.She's said this to me a dozen times, that she's "hanging-in there" with me, and willing to do so, etc. She hasn't shown me any different, yet somehow I think it isn't true. Hm.
>> *** These kinds of changes are non-trivial. I have spent *years* leaving a therapy session and figuring out 1 hour or 1 day or 1 week later what was happening. But I *am* getting (slowly) better at catching these things sooner. You are not a failure for not being able to respond immediately in the session - you are simply still learning.
Thank you, that was very helpful (especially the list!). The problem is, I think, that my non-responsiveness in session is making things harder, b/c I'll react without thinking (like quitting, or lashing out at her), instead of talking to her about it first.
>> *** You seem to be expecting a lot of yourself. Therapy is HARD. Talking and trusting is HARD. And there is no schedule that says when we should be able to get to certain places in therapy - it all depends on who you are, what has happened in your life so far, and who your therapist is.
Thank you. :) I guess I'm just frustrated because it's been over a year now and I still can't talk, I still react in an immature way to things that do happen, I still can't engage with her, I still get defensive, I still can't even look at her, etc. And I'm not sure WHY I'm even that way...and it isn't just with her, it's with most people, especially people who I feel have some sort of authority or who are trying to "see into" me or get something from me (like doctors, etc). And I want to fix it, I just don't know how or why it even happens, and then they (like my T, and even my doc) get frustrated and assume I don't want help, or that I'm angry with them, or that I'm mocking them, or that I'm doing it on purpose, etc. when it isn't that way AT ALL.
>> *** If you said "I quit because therapy wasn't helping me" or "I quit because I have other things to do with my time" or "I quit because my therapist and I don't *fit* right", then I might say "OK". But it concerns me that you have quit because you don't think it is good for *her* for you to stay.
True, you're right.
You've given me a LOT to think about, thank you SO MUCH.
-SV
poster:shrinking violet
thread:407966
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041026/msgs/408531.html